While She Was Sleeping

Why Are You Working So Hard?

2010-10-25T15:47:00.000-07:00

Dem-Idiocracy

2010-10-20T13:50:00.000-07:00

Mike Judge's film "Idiocracy" was a disappointment. Very little could have measured up to "Office Space", this generation's Caddy Shack in terms of quotable lines (apologies to "Napoleon Dynamite").

In the movie, two soldiers agree to some experiment where they're transported 500 years into the future. The planet is a garbage dump and the No. 1 movie in America is "Ass". Flash to a theater full of people watching a bare ass. That's all it is. And everyone is laughing.

I think Judge accurately depicted the future but missed the mark by about 494 years. I'm so disheartened by the goings-on in this world yet powerless to do a thing about it. Write a letter to your congressman ? Would you write a letter to Santa if you already knew Santa didn't exist ?

We're celebrity obsessed, simultaneously worshipping them and delighting at their downfalls. We pay men $25 million to hit a ball. Our country is corrupt to the very core. Enron ? Oh, that'll never happen again. Except that it did. The banks. Bernie Madoff. Gordon Gecko reappears. Good timing. Greed is good, he said. Good for some. Bad for most. People confuse admonishing greed with being a socialist. I'm greedy! Hasn't served me too well.The news is now one long opinion column, screamed at maximum volume. No one compromises. What will the world be like when my daughter is my age ? I shudder to think.

So, "Idiocracy"....not much different than life...RIGHT NOW.

A Summer Day In October

2010-10-09T21:48:00.000-07:00

A day I'll remember. Our little girl breezes in and gently wakes me up as mommy is leaving for work. As usual she is endearing and eager to do everything herself. She can work the Keurig coffee maker and makes me a cup. We go from there to an episode of Berenstain Bears and whip up some pancakes. Sydney sets the table ...and we fill our stomachs for a full day of fun. The day will touch 80 degrees. While the chill is still in the air, we set out to rake the yard and feed the birds. She excitedly points out the two mousetraps that performed their singular function. We head back in for an episode of the Flintstones and snacking on some nacho cheese goldfish. We adjourn to her room for an extended run at 'grocery store restaurant', an all purpose business that cooks your food and delivers it to your door, with fresh fake food veggies and fruits. And ice cream. And hotdogs. Lunch is here and the usual macaroni and cheese is the order of the day. Fueled, we change clothes and she sets off ahead of me on her Dora bicycle. She turns up her nose when I suggest we're close to having the training wheels off. As she pedals down the main drive that leads out of our neighborhood, I take note of the season in full bloom. "Fall", truly. All of the leaves are a brilliant hue of yellow and falling all around us. Picturesque. As if from a sound stage in Hollywood. We pedal off toward the 'blue park', so designated because well, it's all blue. But not before hellos are exchanged with all of the neighborhood mutts out walking and chasing tennis balls. We arrive to an audience of none, content to sift our feet gently through the warm sandbox and whatever other awful droppings must be in that Godforsaken pit of sticks and clumps. We build a sandcastle. The sun smiles down upon us. We move to the swings and do the up and down mostly in silence. When we're not silent, we're laughing alot about everything from the ladybug that took residence on my Always Sunny In Philadelphia t-shirt, to pretending that her feet smell. I watch her swing toward the sky, her little curly blond locks flying in all directions. Life in this moment is as perfect as I could want it to be. I see her little polka dot tanktop and funny shorts, happy for one more day that she could free the summer clothes from their hibernation. We come home for water. Hydrated, we remember the token we found earlier in the day while filling up the Barney Rubble bank. The token will be spent on the merry-go-round at the mall, a summer favorite. She chooses a seal this time. She wanted the horse but it was next to someone that was already aboard the ride. Sydney's shy like that. For the minute that the ride lasts, I pay keen attention to her facial expressions. She is a miracle, a blessing from God. I'm unworthy of thie responsibility but I give my heart to it everyday. I'm a fortunate man, redeemed from so many ills of my own creation that I may enjoy these moments with a deep sense of gratitude and deliverance. Most of my life was spent thinking about and planning foolishly for a tomorrow that was never promised. Yet tomorrow was today and I lived in..........today. And I am joyful. She sat on my lap and ate a slice of cheese pizza and I wrapped her in my favorite gray Champion zip up hoodie. She would think me crazy if I actually weeped as much as I weep inside my heart, tears of pure, childlike bliss. We played mini golf for the first time today in glow in the dark conditions (pictured). She loved it. And I loved watching her love it. Her tiny frame whacking the ball. Constantly placing the ball in the machine that added 'glow' to the golf ball. The merry go round was closed when the pizza was done, so Toys R Us wasn't a bad consolation prize at all. Hula hooping in the aisles without a care.This is Christmas morning every day I wake, to the little feet shuffling near me for a hug and kiss and I "cmon daddy, come downstairs with me." Well what would you like to do today, honey ? "Whatever you want to do daddy.". I should note that what I usually choose is declined for something that she really wants to do instead, but the point is kept intact that the event is secondary to just being in her midst. Amen.

WHAT'S THE POINT ?

2010-08-27T09:00:00.000-07:00

2010 - a great summer, chasing after Sydney on her bike, attending alot of great rock shows (Mayhem, Lollapalooza, American Carnage) and going to the community pool almost enough times to justify the ridiculous $500 annual gouging to retain our bond/membership in it.

Before I move on, I'm happy that Sydney's becoming a water bug and loves going. Me ? Ehh not so much. It's not like I can leave her on the side of the pool while I swim laps during the adult period where all the horrible kids have to exit the pool so the oldies can get in some weak exercise. No, it sucks because there are too many free passes and too many people in general. Case in point. I take Sydney to the very corner of the pool so she can jump off the edge, paddle around in her innertube and just be...kids are winging coosh balls around, one of them hits me twice in the back of the head. No big deal. No pain, no foul. The next one hits Sydney in the face. Also no pain, but FOUL. The teenage kids behind the act are laughing about it. I must really be getting soft. I've always been a pacifist in that regard but an aggressive kind of pacifist. Back in the day, I might've stink palmed him or found his towel and placed something foul in it. Nevertheless, yes now..what was the point of this ?

My frustration with the blog is that none of it really leaves anything concrete. Maybe I've faltered on it because I've been doing it with other people in mind, trying to entertain or enlighten someone other than myself. So whatever. I'll post when it feels right and maybe leave something for Sydney to read when the old man is gone. I figure I'd better start exercising. Since I turned the 4-0 this summer, the statistics imply I'm about half done with this world and I'd like her to enjoy her own life and not have to look after a 65 yr old invalid. Struggling with not being able to play tennis or basketball or run without pain.

So I read that the courts are seeing increasing number of lawsuits against bloggers for defamation. One gun note in New Jersey wrote something about some judges, saying they should be dealt with in a manner that would cause their end, and he was convicted of threatening judges and faces 10 years. This country is going to shit. Granted, one shouldn't say that, and the real nuts have ruined it for all us sarcastic trash talkers but seriously...Seriously !

The poll indicates what bloggers blog about most. 'Personal Musings' rated highest at 45%. A nice way of saying bloggers are a bunch of self-centered dolts that like to write about themselves. And I agree mostly.

Happy Weekend. UFC on Saturday, maybe.

Parenting

2010-03-23T08:52:00.000-07:00

I suppose some may decry that this is a wimpy style of parenting. I disagree.

From Esquire Magazine :

You don’t have to win, we were told at the positive-discipline workshop. Your child is not damaged, morally, if your child wins, if the battle is withdrawn, or, better yet, never joined. Our culture has viewed parenthood in terms of decisive moments, but it's better to view it in terms of development, as a continual process, and to be in it for the long haul. Nothing lies like the moment of truth, and if there's no powerlessness, then there are fewer power struggles. If your child has a problem with authority, it's likely that you have a problem with authority, or your lack of it. The answer is to return it to your child in the form of choices, while you set an example. Your example is your authority. Positive discipline does not mean no discipline; it means that discipline is a matter of teaching mutual respect, rather than making your child suffer. "Children do better when they feel better, not worse," is what it says on my kitchen cabinet, and so when faced with intransigence, parents have to respond by stating their expectations, repeating the rules, and then giving their children the love and support they need to follow them. Always try to include, rather than isolate; avoid labels; don't negotiate, but don't escalate, either. If your children are not doing well, either take them out of the situation or remove yourself. You — and they — can always try again.

Read more: http://www.esquire.com/features/people-who-matter-2010/barack-obama-father-0210-2#ixzz0j120iBbR

So I bought it. Positive-discipline or, more precisely, the principles and techniques of positive discipline, which means that I'm one of them: one of those guys who never raises his voice to his child, who uses the word inappropriate instead of wrong, who folds his child in a hug when she is raising hell, who "chooses his battles," who "doesn't take the bait," who "de-escalates," and who, above all, does not punish, no matter how bad — um, inappropriate — the behavior is. And you know what? It's changed my life. Our lives. We don't fight anymore. My wife and I employ kindness and firmness — positive-discipline bywords — and our daughter is happy and cooperative. It takes a lot of work, though, because, well, it's unnatural. You have to devote a lot of time to it, really your whole life. You have to be strong, because you risk appearing weak. Or maybe not — maybe I'm just avoiding confrontation. Our daughter still splashes the bathroom mirror, after all. I just have less invested in making her stop, and when she's done, I ask her, politely, to clean up. She always does.

Read more: http://www.esquire.com/features/people-who-matter-2010/barack-obama-father-0210-2#ixzz0j113QmwJ

Eric Cartman - Funniest Cartoon Character Ever ?

2010-03-19T07:16:00.000-07:00

An all time great South Park clip......

Sydney Speak

2010-03-08T08:27:00.000-08:00

A journal of favorite moments culled from my Facebook updates and Blackberry notepad, in order so that I'll never forget them.

"Can I ask you a question? What did you say to me ?"
Me : I asked you _____________
"No but then what did you ask me?"
Me : I think I only asked you one thing.
"But I shook my head two times."

"Daddy, here are some cookies." Oh thank you Sydney ! Why did you give me cookies ? "Because you had a good breakfast. Would you like to have a sticker for work today ? Don't take it off. Wear it forever and ever......daddy."

Walks in while Kim is watching CSI, "Mommy, what that dead guy doin' on TV?"

(Counting steps at the mall) - "9,10,11-teen, 12, 13, 14"

Sydney "yes daddy, we went to the cryopactor and mommy says I can never ever lay on the laying table. I freeze my head and he does the adjustments."

Me : Got your nose ! I'm going to wear it today.
"No you can't daddy. It's glued on."

"Daddy, will you help me choose things to put in my beautiful purse ?"

Sydney, I'm happy I'm not at work today and get to spend it with you. Sydney - "Yes Daddy, I do not belong at work because I am not a worker."

Me : Don't point at strangers honey.
"Well you're not a stranger daddy. Can I point at you ?"

"Let's just spend all the day long together, daddy."

"Daddy, how much ketchup do you want on your grapes ?"

"Daddy just show me the candy please. I promise I won't lick them, I"ll just look at them."........."Daddy, I don't like these pancakes, they're too mixey...(smiles)....I'm tricking you."

"Daddy, you wanna have a popsicle with your coffee ?"

Why do you have an umbrella in the house Syd ? "Because that's what we need for a picnic today and that's what girls do."

"Daddy can you fix my cup ? It's leaking out too many waters."

"But I can't help you clean up. I got poopies."

"That was fun, how about one more time ?"......no honey, past your bedtime....."How about two more times then ?"

(Pointing to the window at nap time) - "Daddy, please close that drape so the teenagers out there don't wake me up."

Syd Kid, eat all your pancakes this morning, I heard your tummy growling this morning and you're getting too skinny. "Yeah daddy I better eat good or otherwise I'll go in heaven."

What are you doing over there Sydney ? (Turns Around with digit entrenched to the first knuckle)...."I'm pickin a winner."

"Daddy, who is that man snoveling the show ?"

"Daddy, why do you have underwears on, will you pee through your pants?"....Someday, honey....someday.

"Daddy, I do not like green." Well why not honey ? What color do you like ? "Red." Well what about my eyes, do you like them Sydney? "Your eyes are hazel, daddy. I'm talking about plates. I do not like green plates. I like my Hello Kitty plate."

"We need to hide this cookie or mommy will find it and sneak it and chomp it!"

"You're a hysterical daddy."

Um yes Daddy, after my bath I will be very hungry for mac cheese and will you make it for me otherwise I will still be hungry.

"I ate at school.....I ate the school."

Oh Sydney ! You are up early. Did you get up because you heard my music playing ? "No Daddy, I came to see you because I love you and want to snuggle."

"Daddy, where is mommy's black car?"
Me : It got smashed up honey. I don't know where it is
"Well why don't you ask me where it is?"
Me : OK, where is mommy's black car ?
"It's in a cave....in a smashed up car town."

"Can you come to my school with me?"
Me : No honey, I'm too old to be in your class.
"Daddy, how many are you?"
Me : (flashes three sets of ten fingers plus nine more)
"Wow, you are BIG, how many am I?"
Me : (three spot)
"Why am I still only 3 ? And did you know I'm having a Winnie The Pooh cake for my birthday?"

Practiced all day, waited in line and our girl delivered it. What is your name ? "Sydney Boyd Triol". Were you a good girl this year ? "Well yes I was". And what would you like for Christmas, young lady ? "I would like a blue baby." (to be clear, it was a baby wearing blue in the Kohl's ad). Will lock away one of life'...s firsts in my heart forever. Proud of our girl.

"YES YES YES ! I will help you sweep daddy. You sweep and I will hold up the duster pan."

Hey honey, were you listening ? Mommy asked you to pick up your toys before bed. Will you come help me out Syd ? "No". Why won't you come help me pick up ? "Because I just love you daddy."

"Daddy, you're not pretending to eat the pretend food the right way." - after watching me pick through a plastic stew of vegetables, fruits and ice cream with a plastic fork.

"Don't put the water on the table without a lid. The kitties will knock it over and spill it, and THEY WILL NOT BE SORRY about it!"

(Yelling from down the hall, inside the loo) "DADDY ! I poopied in the toilet. Will you come light a candle or something ? It's very very stinky in here."

(When one parent lies for their sanity) - Sydney, you want me to put on Lady Gaga ? Syd "You have it in your car ? But it's in mommy's car. She said it's lost. Did you take it ? Mommy said no one should steal. I saw a raccoon building a house. Mommy didn't wear her seat belt once to the gym but she didn't get a ticket.... There were no policemans."

"Daddy can I ask you a question ? Can you be quiet now so it's my turn to talk?"

"See my Ariel panties ? Do they have them in your size ?"

"I made you something special. It's chicken lemonade HAHAHA."

"We're going to go to Sweet Tomatoes and the pet store and the book shop and that's what the deal is."

"Did you bashwash in this daddy?"

"Some daddys bald everyday and have no beards."

Sydney, you need to start eating vegetables. "Why?" Because they help you to see. "Why" Because they're good for you. "Well I don't need to eat vegetables. I can see just fine."

"NO Sawyer (the cat), NO. You are a bad, bad bad listener !!!!"

"Daddy, will you read me this book?"....I can't do it right now. I'm driving. "OK, then how about we listen to some heavy metal !"

"I'm taking a long time in here because there isn't any poop coming out of my body right now."

"I'm just make sureing."

"Daddy you have the scruff. I want you to turn into a BIG, BIG BIG BIG beard!"

Excuse me. "Why are you saying that daddy?". Because I tooted. (Leans in, whispers in my ear) "Don't tell anyone, no one, don't tell anyone in Target, okay ?"

"Daddy I'm going to make you a pretend cookie for your pretend birthday after my birthday is over."

"Sophia at the gym won't play with me anymore."......Really, why is that ? "Because she is just a stinker."

"I do not like teenagers. I don't like them because they are mean and I don't like the things they talk and they are STRANGERS !"

'HEY, what are you doing ? That means I only have one two three four....I have ONLY eleven toys in the bath !"

Do you want the bathmat in or out of the tub Sydney ? "Yeah". Well which one do you choose honey, in or out ? "Out. Because otherwise it will hurt my business."

Last Sydney Quote of 2009...Me : "Sydney, what state do we live in ?".....Sydney "State Farm."

You having a nice day Sydney ? "Yes...Daddy...Daddy...hey do you know why I'm having a good day ? Because I love you really much and was missing you but now I'm seeing you."

You like the snow Sydney ? "Oh yes, yes I do. There is hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of snow out there!"

"Daddy, can I open one present ?". I'm still thinking about it. "OK, then how about...two presents?"

"More pancake." Well you have one bite left honey. You soaked the last one with syrup. Are you still hungry ? "Yes". How about a blue bar (Nutrigrain Blueberry) ? "No" What would you like to have then ? "Blue bar (smiles)." (Sigh)

"I finished all my pancakes daddy and I was even faster than you this time."

Sydney observes an available parking spot and asks why I won't take it. After I tell her why, she asks "What is Hanny-man parking?"

"Watch out for the Coo-Wah-Tees (coyotes), they're going to sneak our mac cheese daddy."

Do you mind if we stop here Syd? "I don't mind anything with you, daddy."

Talking on her Dora phone, she says "Oh not much, it's just a lovely day with me and daddy."

"Mommy, I can't help it. I can't stop asking questions."

"Daddy, are you driving fast or slow?". Oh very slow, honey. "I was just make sureing. Then why are all these trees whooshing by so fast?"

(Whispers).."Daddy. Mommy was wearing your coat". When was that, Sydney? "Tomorrow."

"You can really kick those balloons high daddy. You are fast-inating."

"Daddy, can I have another one of these donuts if I run out of this one ? Man man boy these are good !"

Are you starting to feel better Sydney ? How is your throat ? "I'm going back to my old self, daddy."

"Mommy wrote my name on this cup, so I know who I am."

"A,B,C,D,E,F......Rain, rain go away, come again some other day."

Apeing a line from a Spongebob book that made her laugh "In a soon minute, Sandy walked by and says, I didn't recognize you in those newfangled Dungarees !"

(Kim farts) - "Was that mommy or the garbage?"

"I love you a million a dillion."

Me : Wanna go to the pet store today ? "Of course I want to go to the pet shop daddy!"

"These are your babies and these ones are mine."
Me : What are the babies' names ?
"Mine are Charlie and yours are Barbecue."

Tell It Like It Is

2010-03-04T11:31:00.000-08:00

Cribbed from a CNN.Com interview with Max Sendek, the creator of the "Where The Wild Things Are" story :

Reporter: "What do you say to parents who think the Wild Things film may be too scary?"

Sendak: "I would tell them to go to hell. That's a question I will not tolerate."

Reporter: "Because kids can handle it?"

Sendak: "If they can't handle it, go home. Or wet your pants. Do whatever you like. But it's not a question that can be answered."

Sendak: "This concentration on kids being scared, as though we as adults can't be scared. Of course we're scared. I'm scared of watching a TV show about vampires. I can't fall asleep. It never stops. We're grown-ups; we know better, but we're afraid."

Reporter: "Why is that important in art?"

Sendak: "Because it's truth. You don't want to do something that's all terrifying. I saw the most horrendous movies that were unfit for child's eyes. So what? I managed to survive."

Amen, my man.

Extra Cheese

2010-03-02T15:29:00.000-08:00

David Caruso CSI Miami One Liners - Watch more Funny Videos

Merry Christmas

2009-12-22T14:36:00.000-08:00

A letter to my family.....

Merry Christmas To All,

I fondly remember the Decembers of my youth.

Sami and I would wait for the small country that doubled as the Sears or Wards catalog and painstakingly review each page, noting in pen the items we hoped Santa might bring...a Strawberry Shortcake doll, Star Wars figures...Barbie carrying case...Space Invaders for Atari. However, the thing I remember more vividly recall than the gifts was.......the anticipation..the build up to the big day. I remember pretending to sleep on the big couch on Hooker St while Grandpa Triol made sounds on the roof. I remember being awake in one of the many beds in a big room with my cousins, barely able to contain our excitement. I remember the anticipation of getting to the big house on the water. I remember my Grandma Triol's perfume. The tree that seemed to go up forever and ever. I remember my Great Grandma Geldard's sweet rolls. I remember utilizing the area under the stairs to race toy cars. I remember eating maple brown sugar oatmeal and learning new card games. I remember through a child's eyes, the place was magic.

It couldn't get much better for a kid. Yet it did. We'd go to Grandparents Boyd's place in Renton, and the anticipation would start anew. My Uncle Jim and his wicked cool 70s mustache was on display. Sitting with my Nana, drawing Battlestar Galactica Imperial starships, watching Carol Burnett, getting "sizzys" from everyone. Watching my Grandpa's rocks glass, which dictated the start of the gift opening after it was empty. I can't see a Bloody Mary, without thinking of him. I can remember where I sat at the dinner table, the smell of the meal and the face of my Nana, who left this world too early. Still, we were blessed with more years than some people ever get to enjoy.

Yes, the anticipation. I remember shopping for the perfect tree and the run of years with white frosted trees. I remember battling (weren't we always?) Sami for prime branch opportunities for ornaments. I still have many of them. Ornaments, not the frosted trees. I remember the first time I could shop on my own, and wanting my sister to have every Strawberry Shortcake figure in the collection. I remember the stockings that leaned against our closed doors because they were too full to hang. I remember taking the items out ever so slowly, as to keep busy until the parents were properly dressed and caffeinated to withstand the frenzy.

I remember one of my favorite gifts, a series of plastic yellow goalposts, and the little helmets of each NFL team to hang upon them. From my Auntie Sue and Uncle Howard.To this day, I have them in my curio cabinet at home. I remember the winter trips to the Kingdome, sitting on the 50 with my dad. Listening to the recap on the way home. I remember Seattle 51, Kansas City 48 . I have the ticket stubs and the Steve Largent wristbands as keepsakes, some 26 years later.

The special memories, old and new that you have all been a part of, far surpass any one thing I've ever received. The decades have clicked by. My love of the Christmas season has not waned...merely changed a little. Now, my excitement is seeing our daughter come downstair in her footie pajamas, eating the chocolates from the advent calendars. Coming home from her school telling us all about Mary and Joseph. Drawing Christmas pictures. Helping us wrap gifts (not conservative with tape or paper) Watching her wonder how more gifts appeared under the tree during her nap. Smiling ear to ear as she utilized our many dress rehearsals and telling Santa "My name is Sydney Boyd Triol. Yes, I've been a good girl this year. I would like a blue baby this year (clothing, not skin color !)" Picture below.

My wish would be to be in many places at once to enjoy you all in person. Alas, that's not possible. But I carry my love for you all in my heart this Christmas, while I listen to Bing Crosby, decorate the tree and wake up in thanks for another day to live.

Many have had a very difficult year. Many have had to confront what's truly important vs. what we surround ourselves with to mask our pain, insecurities, material things, vanity. What we really need I think was answered in the Beam's Christmas card wish..."Faith, Hope and Love". I feel all three of those in abundance this Christmas season. I will toast a glass to all of you, all who've come and gone before us and all the little ones in our family who reignite our love of the season through their eyes and experiences.

Merry Christmas,

Rob, Kim & Sydney

YAY HOOS

2009-12-01T08:25:00.000-08:00

I miss my Grandma Triol and her enthusiastic use of the word "Hoodlum". I'm just sayin'.

Yahoo.Com reported today that after FOUR years, Britney Spears fell from the top of their most searched list. I'd say that's a sign of hope for our fellow man if the story ended there. But no. No. 1 is Michael Jackson, former child star driven to death by the demons of vanity, drug use, general weirdness, rotten parents. Dude never stood a chance. Our society is generally fascinated with the death of a major celebrity, perhaps a crisis of faith that we could fathom an uber person actually dying like the rest of us. It was probably criminal what happened to him (ruled a homicide), and the deadbeat dad doctor who put the needle in will forevermore be known for that (whether or not he did it, that's the way we do things now), but none of it is going to bring him back. Remember him for his music or his other shit...the one unchangeable is that he's history. Why do we care where he's finally buried, and what a panel of "experts" have to say about it all ?

Yes, the world is in dark times. Not the economy or terror or Sarah Palin's new book. No. Number two most searched item is all that is "Twilight". The world is not ending because Twilight made 140MM in the first week and is just another in the tween trend game (see "Jonas", "Miley", etc). I'm just whining because bad taste trumps things like Arrested Development, taken from us too early.

We are willing ourselves into a medicated state. Go rent "Idiocracy" as a sometimes funny cautionary tale about where we're headed. We spend our days trying to glean news about Michael Jackson, the WWE (No. 3), Britney (No. 5), Nascar (No. 9) American Idol (No. 7). Generally speaking, the users of yahoo.com spend the limited time we have here, sucking at the teet of the classless. Note that I've excluded Megan Fox (No. 4) and Kim Kardashian (No. 8) from my diatribe. I confess I've searched on these two (though not on yahoo.com). MJ dead, WWE a fake, badly acted soap opera that is run by an egomaniac that looks the other way while guys are leaving families behind at young ages (Hercules, Rick Rude, Brian Pillman, Owen Hart, Curt Hennig, the list is endless). American Idol. Rev me up. A numbingly stupid "competition" designed to humiliate fame seekers (not feeling pity for them, they willingly do it because being on TV is supposed to mean something). Idol generates middle of the road garbage, wholly unoriginal and lame. Come see the stars of American Idol on ice, performing the songs of real musicians at the United Center !

I celebrate our freedom to look at what we want. We buy up the tabloid mags to see what Tiger's alleged mistress looks like. Why is this crap so interesting ? Why do we allow devils like TMZ to hector people into a hermit's life ? We make ourselves feel better by saying "they signed up for this life." We like to see the uber person fall a few notches, to be like us, adulterers, liars, fakers, etc.

And it's all fucking pathetic.

HUMAN RESOURCES IS WORTHLESS

2009-11-24T08:16:00.000-08:00

Here's the proof, on today's global e-mail. We are clearly such a stupid people that we require props to understand weight. HR is good for doling out severances, creating fake seminars for things like assertiveness and gender equity. They do not care for the man, and I'm cool with that. I just wish they'd stop pretending that they're relevant.

Holiday Meal Portion Control
United States

It's easy to forget good nutrition when you're out at holiday parties or catching up with friends over the holidays. Whether you're at home, a restaurant, or a holiday party, remember these portion sizes so you can still enjoy good food but also benefit from good nutrition:

3oz of meat = size of a deck of cards
1oz of meat = size of a matchbook
1 cup of rice or pasta = size of a tennis ball

By keeping your portions in control, you can keep your commitment to better health and manage your weight throughout the holiday season!

WAKING UP

2009-11-18T06:41:00.000-08:00

Two Sundays back it started with a little throat tickle. Can't remember the last time I missed consecutive days of work due to illness. Hibernated. Laid around, mostly coughed until my eyes looked like a cartoon character being choked.

Back at work today. Halls Vitamin C, pop, pop, pop, pop. Not much changes. The VP brought in his boss for a visit. I must have missed the all employee notice of her arrival. He's just sensitive like that.

What the hell was my point ? Oh yes, waking up. Waking up after being down and out for an extended period of time with new perspective. Time to quit the caffeine. Time to treat my body more respectfully. Smaller portions, better choices. Balance, baby. Not something I'm naturally good with.

I've missed the routine with my family. The kid last night, patting the spot next to her, "C'mon Daddy !", reaching back and stroking the stubble on my face to make sure I was still there. These are the things that matter. I endeavor to take from this illness a new respect for my life, to stop wasting so much time on activities and people that add nothing to my life.

And that's one to grow on (cue NBC rainbow and colorful stars).

CARDINAL SIN

2009-10-09T14:35:00.000-07:00

The great and not so great about sports, all tucked into the NLDS tilt last night (not including Matt Holliday's gaffe)

The Great
From FoxSports.Com :

Then Franklin walked Russell Martin to load the bases. Still two out, with Loretta pinch hitting in the ninth spot. Loretta is 38, born not 20 miles from Dodger Stadium. The Dodgers, who he rooted for as a kid, are his seventh major league team. The sum total of his postseason experience is three games with the Padres in 2005. Most interesting, however were Loretta's career numbers against Ryan Franklin : 0 for 15.

He knew it too. He'd seen the stat sheet before the series. "I didn't feel nervous," he recalled. "I felt excited and energized"

Second pitch of the at bat, he hit to win the game. "Biggest hit I ever had," he said.

The unscripted drama that makes unlikely heroes is just one thing that makes sports so compelling.

The Not So Great
The faker/poser/Mannywood Dodger fanbase left 5,000 empty seats at Chavez Ravine last night.

I turned on the postgame news conference with the losing manager. First question....."Tony, do you feel confident you can win the next three games?". Well, the Dodgers just beat their two Cy Young candidates and lost in terrible fashion. Naturally he said they are confident.

A whole industry of stupid questions to fill time. No, they are not confident. Yes, the series will be over in 4 at the most. No one but Pujols scares Torre.

Then they kick it to the studio and Cal Ripken says "They just need to win the next three out of four". Hey Cal, it's a best of 3 out of 5. They're down 2-0. By my high school level math skills, they need to win 3 out of THREE. And no one corrected him.

THE STORY OF ANVIL

2009-10-09T14:17:00.000-07:00

New to DVD this week, "Anvil : The Story of Anvil".

As a huge fan of both heavy metal and documentaries, the trailer seized my interest. The movie itself is very funny and heartfelt, about long suffering true friendship, nice guys, bad luck, persistence, dreaming big and doing what you really want to do with your life.

Very enjoyable. Go rent it.

BOOK REVIEW

2009-10-09T13:42:00.000-07:00

"My Lobotomy" - By Howard Dully and Charles Fleming
-----4 Stars

"Today, I count myself lucky. I'm lucky to have survived Freeman, and to have survived my childhood and the aftermath of the surgery. I've gone through a lot - institutionalization, homelessness, alcoholism, drug addiction, having a criminal record, and an overall sense of being unloved and unlovable. But I don't feel those things today. I feel blessed. I feel happy and grateful that I have lived long enough to tell my story."

A fast read at 282 pages. Describes Dully's childhood in the 1950's. He was very close to his mother. The mother died giving birth to his disabled little brother. Father remarried. The stepmother abused him constantly. Couldn't control him for things deemed abhorrent (though normal for puberty years, she was big on control issues) and went looking for a fix. Consulted Dr. Walter Freeman. After a few appointments, he'd agreed to give 12 year old Howard Dully a lobotomy.

The transorbital lobotomy, a procedure featuring ice picks used to scramble your frontal lobe (inserted through the opening above the eyes). In the wake of World War II, many people returned to the states pretty messed up in the head. The country had no useful science for dealing with them so many were put into asylums. The asylums were overflowing. The country welcomed a way to return these people to society. Many did, though severely brain damaged. Many others didn't survive the surgery.
Dully did. Scientists would later marvel at how he survived. At 12, his brain hadn't stopped growing. It simply grew around the dead spots/damage caused by the lobotomy.

It's a tale of survival and redemption against incredibly steep odds. He is ultimately profiled by NPR for what started as a feature on lobotomy doctor, but ends up being about his life. He gets hired to interview the families and survivors. His life traverses through every part of hell. His journey culminates in a trip to Washington D.C. to view his patient file. It validates everything he thought and feared about his stepmother's motivations. And he interviews his elderly father, a lifelong workaholic, absentee dad. His dad's responses are secondary to Dully getting to express himself.

"When my stepmother saw the operation didn't turn me into a vegetable, she got me out of the house. I was made a ward of the state. I took me years to get my life together. Through it all I've been haunted by questions ? Did I do something to deserve this ? Can I ever be normal ? And, most of all: Why did my dad let this happen? In forty-four years, we've never discussed it once -- not even after my stepmother died. It took me a year of working on this project before I even got up the courage to write him a letter."

SEEN AND HEARD

2009-10-09T12:07:00.000-07:00

"I do highly apologize that you don't want that anymore" ---DirectTV rep, fumbling over her scripted response to my request.

Last season, I stupidly purchased an entire season of NBA games. I figured it'd be nice to have a game available when my Detroit Pistons loving pal came over. We watched 2 1/2 total games.

DirectTV automatically renews you in four installments.

The rep, despite "highly apologizing", wasn't near done with me. They employ the ruse that it will take some time to process my request so they use that time to pepper you with hackneyed sales pitches. I wrote down exactly what she said.

"I would hate for you to miss all these games" -- She said this after asking me why I was canceling and I responded "I have no interest in watching them". Really, dummy? The statement was delivered with drone like insincerity, uttered in a sing-songy tone. I can almost see the post-it notes on her computer instructing her to "Smile" and "Project Voice!"

"Being that the season starts October 27th AND the season has not yet started, I can credit your account." - Someone needs to work on their present/future tense scripting. I get that the remark is supposed to have the effect of making the customer feel accomodated, looked after. It doesn't work here. It feels obnoxious and I'm starting to steam. I keep my voice flat and don't grab a temptation to unload a torrent of sarcasm upon this poor monkey.

"While I have you here, I'd like to interest you in 2 for 1 Premium Channels. You'll get Starz and Showtime and a new movie each week." -- Still maintaining, I don't mention that their "new" movie has already been out on DVD for weeks. And all the other bull they show dates back to 1982 most nights. So I merely say "no thanks, not interested."

"Would you like a 3 month free trial of Starz and Showtime?" - The answer returns the same....."No thanks". Unsatisfied, she asks me "You don't want it ? It would be free !" -- I offer another thanks but no thanks, knowing that "Free" does not equal the call I will have to make at 3 mos, 1 day to stop them from auto-billing my account.

"Will you hold a moment while I process your request?" - I'm pretty sure she notices the break in courtesy. I ask her "did I have a choice?" and more pointedly ask "If I've already told you I want to cancel the NBA League Pass and you understand that, is there some reason I have to stay on hold and wait for you to actually cancel it ?". Her voice jumps a notch and snidely offers "If you want your account credited, you have to stay on the line or call back later to cancel ? Do you want to call back later?"

I wait her out and 15 minutes after I dialed the number, my request has been processed. She asks me if there's anything else she can do for me ? Somehow, I summon the poise required to keep from asking her about the "I highly apologize" line and hang up. She should have saved that line for the end of the call. It would have fit better.

MOVING "FORWARD"

2009-10-09T07:28:00.000-07:00

I was too busy to blog much this week.

There was actual "busy", closing the company books on September, hanging with Sydney, sitting on 75th St construction delays for 45 minutes to spend one hour at church. Then there's the other "busy"-- downloading music, sinking into a burrito coma, and playing Facebook applications thare are more compulsive than competitive. Really, it's just a sinkhole sized waste of time.

Wasting all this time keeps me very busy. Too busy really, to open all the "WORLD IS COMING TO AN END!" e-mails from the likes of family members and friends. Saying "hello" and clicking "forward" take about the same period of time, though the forward button has kicked Hello's ass for years. I guess it's a good lesson to remain true to myself, to make secondary any desires I may have for affirmation or an F you or a response of any kind. Then there's the holiday generated spam that is recycled year over year. Yes, I love God. No, I don't need an analogy of scooping out a pumpkin's yucky parts to illustrate that he loves and transforms me. And last I checked, we have to want to be changed and want to participate. In my 39 years of eviscerating pumpkins, the jack o'lantern community has been really quiet about their wishes on this annual ritual, so I can't speak to their interest in being repeatedly shanked in the skull.

Nope. Don't miss him yet. And no thank you for sending that on, church acquaintance. Don't confuse that with Demo love or the current state of the USA. Both suck possibly as bad as all the e-mails claim. Both parties can (but won't) share blame for what we've wrought. So I know things aren't so good. I merely choose not to spam my entire address book with the shit because I lack the currency of genius, solution and influence to effect anything on a large scale. That's the thing about us. We bitch, moan, cry, scream, pant and froth about N-O-T-H-I-N-G. Nothing comes of the "tea parties", online petitions nor letters to your representative. Most have even stopped pretending to care. I know so many people with imaginary problems piled higher than their head. They're drowning a little bit everyday, know it a little bit and don't wand a life preserver. Our liberty and future are controlled by a minority lacking a primary interest in the benefit of the majority. That fact doesn't appear to be in any danger of going away.

Winter resolution : I shall not open any e-mail with "FWD" in the subject line. I can't glean from my excellent memory, a single sustained laugh or positive emotion that came from one.
Even those with the best intentions can chill you.

I received one titled "FWD : The Price Of Children" that used math to determine the cost of a child. It was something like $160,000 for a kid from birth to 18 but broken down, only $24.24 a day and cheers you on to consider "Don't have a child if you want to be rich" and then reveals its purpose, through cute pictures of tots and epic awful music to say "You are the opposite. You are rich if you have kids."

I felt hurt, considering my relationship with the sender of the e-mail and the hypocrisy between the sender's decades long behavior toward me. Just as I did when the e-mail came about the man who threw rocks into the water everyday, until he dropped one and it cracked, revealing a pearl inside. The message was predictably something like "Don't throw away what may be a blessing." And again, the message was sent to me, who felt thrown away his entire life. Ouch, right ?

Then you've got the absurd. Last year it was the the "Obama is foreign born" nonsense. Or more offputting, the altered photo of Obama bending over to pick up a bucket of KFC. That one came from the church acquaintance. Now comes a fake letter from Nancy Reagan to John Hinckley, in light of Hinckley allegedly being close to release. Hinckley shot Ronald Reagan, with intentions of assasinating him. Now stay with this because it's gut busting funny. Old Nancy is forgiving him for shooting Ronny....with a P.S. saying that Obama is sleeping with Jodie Foster.

You may recall that Hinckley was obsessed with Jodie Foster. So the joke, which is really funny is, Hinckley will get the letter, get pissed that Obama is with Foster and when he gets out, attempt to kill Obama. Yeah, you see..... stalking and attempted murder is comedy gold.

See, now I'm complaining. It's contagious. All I need to do is ask each of these angry coots to stop it. Looking through it all for a shred of credibility is a fool's errand.

I received another titled "FWD : To The Congress". Well, jerkoff - I don't see the congress CC'd on the e-mail. Worse than the integrity flaw, these e-mails are extremely long and uninteresting. If you're going to offend me, I ask only that you also entertain me. And don't the haters know we like our news in USA Today like graphs, so as not to hurt our heads ?

The "Congress" speculates that Cash For Clunkers was a colossal failure, citing big profits for foreign car makers. It argues that it took "good dependable cars" and traded them in for higher priced Japanese vehicles. I suspect there may be some merit there but no statistics are used to support that claim. But we do know how good and dependable the American cars have been. Take a flight over greater Detroit, I'll bet things don't look that good or busy.

I'll end this long one by including the last paragraph of the FWD...."So with a 100% failure rate and "services"you shove down our throats that are failing faster, you want Americans to believe you can be trusted with healthcare? With all due respect, are you crazy ? I THINK YOU ARE AND WILL NOT VOTE ANY OF YOU LIBERALS BACK INTO OFFICE!!!"

I have some thoughts on this :

The Top 10 "Clunkers" were all Detroit brands.
Were the Clunkheads forced to buy cars they couldn't afford ?
Four of the top ten new purchases were American. No stats on volume.
People were buying foreign cars before the Clunkers program. This isn't new.
The senders of this angst didn't vote Demo the first time, so to say you're not voting them back into office doesn't really provide an original insight.
Multiple use of the exclamation point is poor grammar.

The forward moves nothing forward. They should call it something different.

THEY DOTH PROTEST

2009-10-08T07:05:00.000-07:00

Citizens of Naperville can sleep again !

This scourge of a man, this blight on Naperville's glory is getting the boot. After eight years of protesting something or other, the city voted 6-1 to eject Scott Huber from his little sidewalk shanty town, Population: 1 . Over the years his little hut grew into an expanse that Naperville deemed unacceptable. This unwashed mass had become a nuisance, a threat to potential commerce. And if there's anything Naperville covets, it's commerce. One need only look at the likes of Bar Louie and Jimmy's, jamming their establishments past capacity to push that sweet, sweet liquor to the kids. And the police that surround the joints, shootin' that DUI fish in a barrel.

So folks, next time you're in Naperville, support your local community and blow a snot rocket on Mr. Huber. To be clear, I don't consider Huber a scourge or a blight. I'm taking cheapshots at the porcelain fragile psyche of Naperville's money machine. He's apparently been offered assistance, which he refuses. It's been suggested that he protest from a park. He counters that he can't protest to an audience of none. Unfortunately, I think the years on the streets have damaged Huber's brain and he believes that people are buying what he's selling. Twenty one people voted him for Mayor a couple years ago. This is no David vs. Goliath. He is either enamored of his dubious celebrity and has no desire to improve his life, or he's sufficiently deranged to think Naperville is going to pay him reparations for alleged vandalism and the loss of his business. Dude's been there EIGHT YEARS. How about just drawing a line on the sidewalk that he can't cross, so that no pedestrians are required to step into traffic to get around him and risk getting mowed down by a Lexus full of girls dressed like prostitutes in a hurry to spend, spend, spend !

I've watched this story with interest. Rumors of the special ordinance "banning sleeping, camping and stowing personal property downtown", authored because of him though denied by officials. The calls of citizens who feel Mr. Huber brings great "character" to Naperville. The calls of those who believe he should not get to squat tax-free. But to hear Mr. Huber, he is not squatting. He is not a bum. He is protesting. He doesn't have a job. He isn't looking for one. He doesn't have a mailing address. By my definition, he's a bum. Maybe he's just both, the rarely seen protesting bum.

Police Chief David Dial wrote in a December Naperville Sun.“One person even called to state that she moved to Naperville because she did not want to see homeless people."

That sounds about right.

The Trib :

Huber complained to the council Tuesday that the new law is designed solely for the purpose of removing him from the downtown sidewalk, and he reserved his harshest comments for Councilman Richard Furstenau. (I agree with Huber - haven't seen anyone else with personal property and a blog post on the sidewalk)

"Councilman Furstenau, you and your supporting colleagues are wrong and have gone too far," Huber said. "There is a hostile bias in this community and its citizenry against yours truly. It needs investigation. It's been going on since I came to this community. Let's stop playing games and deal with the reality of my presence and not self-serving and antagonistic allegations that ... create truly unlawful laws." (Mr. Huber, I think they ARE dealing with the reality of your presense, by 10/31 to be the reality of your absence)

Most council members said they were ready to proceed with the proposed ordinance, which city attorneys said passes constitutional muster.

"We've talked about this, and we have allowed something to go on that maybe we shouldn't have allowed to go on as long as we did," Furstenau said. "I am very concerned about what has happened and about citizens using city rights of way for camping grounds. That needs to change." (I grew up in the wrong era. I never got to collect donations or blog when my family took my camping - we roughed it)

Only Councilman Robert Fieseler objected to the proposed law, urging the city to instead enforce an existing 1994 law that regulates the encroachment of "stuff, not people" in the right of way, he said. (Fieseler, dissenting on technicality alone so as not to offend his more humane voting public)

"I think we already have the ability to remove what most residents find most objectionable, which is the personal property that is on the sidewalk," Fieseler said. (Stats please on those who called their councilmen complaining of not being able to walk on the sidewalk. I call B.S.)

Naperville resident David Sinker, who owns the Comedy Shrine comedy club in downtown Naperville, urged the council to approve the regulations.

"All I see is a man who has held not an eight-year protest but an eight-year pout, and this council has allowed him to pout for eight years, and his time is up," said Sinker, a former writer for "The Jenny Jones Show." "End it." (They opted to include his quote AFTER he told them Jenny Jones once employed him?)

WEIRD SCIENCE

2009-10-06T14:23:00.000-07:00

When Alisa Morris adopted a kitten that she named Caterack in the summer of 1979, she had no idea that the 5-week-old ball of fluff who was blind in her left eye would still be staring back at her some 30 years later.

-- Story from Today.MSNBC.com, cribbed from something called “peoplepets.com.”

Please No…Please. If ours makes another fifteen years, he’ll have to find someone else to drive him to the vet. The story goes, a salon coworker brings in a box of kittens. The last unclaimed kitten, with his dark as night fur, crossed eyes and protruding fanged teeth gets claimed by Kim’s pal Laurel. The cat would take the name “Zeekie” (proof that cats are unable to object) and remain in her care for several years. When they relocated to Atlanta, the cats relocated to our home. I did not object. It’s been a good run.

Morris, who "celebrates and thanks God every day Caterack is here," takes special care to make sure her senior pet is comfortable in her old age. "She let's me hold her and brush her. I brush her every day and I watch TV and I hold her," she says, adding that the cat loves to lay on jeans. "She'll let you do anything to her.

The cat’s only friend is Kim. He hides behind my clothing in the closet, during the hours she is away from the house. He steps cautiously into rooms as if entering them for the very first time. He will sit in the sink and howl. Turn on the faucet for him. Sometimes he drinks. More often, he bolts and howls from another location. The living arrangement gets sour when that howling disrupts my sleep. If there are enough nights of howling in a given week, the logical conclusion is….he must be in pain. Let’s take him to the vet for tests. For the last month, he’s going twice a week for laser treatments. This is for the diagnosis…errr I’m sorry. I meant, this is for the random speculation that his kidneys are on the blink.

Sydney and I are readying for another adventurous Saturday when the phone rings….”Can you take Zeekie to the vet ? In an hour ?.”………

My little buddy is broadcasting from the booth in the backseat…”Daddy, you never went to the vet.” I smile weakly and tell her yes, I’ve been there. One time. That was when Daddy helped Zoya get to heaven. Undaunted, she presses on...”Did she bring any toys with her ? How did she get there ? Who drove her ? Can she get out ?” Some people I know, they hate the “WHY” phase. I love the questions and the chatter ….“Daddy, I still have my front claws!” I adore how curious and playful she is. That’s more than I can say for the cat.

Of the several possibilities, we’re shuttled into the very same room where I held Zoya and spent the worst part of my 39th birthday. The technician enters and starts with the questions :

Your wife says he hasn’t pooped in three to five days ?
What's his stool look like ?
Is he urinating okay ?
Is he eating ?

After whiffing on the first question, I tell her that I’m an uninformed party to these behaviors. I'm not around during the day. When I'm cleaning the litter box, I don't play Quality Control Manager and stare into the piles. The actual veterinarian comes in and asks the same set of questions. I make a mental note of her name badge….last name "GRIMM"…this doesn’t look good for old Zeekie. She removes him for a rectal and returns with the report that he didn’t much care for it. Can I go now?

We return at 2pm to retrieve him. Grimm reports that he’s not dehydrated, nor has he lost weight. I ask her the question about the kidneys. She states that the cat doesn’t have a treatment-needed kidney problem. REALLY ? That invoice in my den for $248 ? Are they giving him f....cking psychotherapy ?

The questions again....I tell Grimm that I don’t make it a big priority to monitor the cat’s piss levels. I tell Grimm that the cat has no trouble jumping up on tables and vanities, so I suspect he is not whimpering due to arthritis. Don't they have Catvil for that ? So Dr. Grimm, I shall not ensure the litter box is "shallow so he doesn't have to climb up a high pile." At this point, I'm almost seriously looking for the hidden cameras. Good one...who's punking me ? Only the good doc finds nothing amusing about it. The howling, it's just his thing. Look up "skittish" and you'll see him running from the food bowl he'd just finished crying for.

Grimm cuts to the chase “We’re stumped, really. The only thing I can suggest is that we put him on ANTI-DEPRESSANTS, you know….. change his BRAIN CHEMISTRY.”

I returned home and suggested to Kim that we cut bait on the voodoo dart throwing and just live with it.

Guiness Book states the record for longevity in cats is 38 years.

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/33094898/ns/today-today_pets_and_animals?GT1=43001

Zoya - We Miss Ya

FLAVOR OF THE DAY

2009-10-02T09:12:00.000-07:00

Don't get me wrong - I'll eat a free lunch. I don't even care where it's from. The fact that it'll be a dipped Big Beef with fries from Portillo's.......Batter Up.

I'm eligible for this freebie because I'm here today. The comped eats come courtesy of a group celebration to send off a co-worker who is taking maternity leave after today. This will be her 2nd child.

Permission was not secured in advance, to jackhammer someone's T&E card for this fiasco. I'm no scrooge. The employee is generally held in high regard. However, it's nothing more than an equity move The other co-worker got his pizza, cake and gift for his upcoming nuptials so it's only fair. Those were the words of the employee charged with putting this together.

Here's why I call it a fiasco. I learned today that the company is fronting the tab for THREE cards and TWO gifts. One of the gifts........is for her first child because she's going to be a big sister. Now that we have a precedent, I'm filing a gift claim for putting my cat to sleep and Sydney's last two birthdays. And a giftcard for Kim's stomach ache Thursday. I stated my displeasure with the precedent and asked the party planner to give me the names of the people who thought this through. My prevailing hunch was confirmed when she immediately averted her eyes from me and muttered something like "it was the other girls." It was her idea all along.

Can't get a paper coffee cup anymore, but we'll order flowers for the employee who's husband's third aunt has shingles. No, not really, but pretty close.

GLORY

2009-10-02T07:07:00.000-07:00

No negativity today. Drove to work today with the horns of the Buena Vista Social Club in my ears and the rich color of autumn all around me. The windows rolled down to deliver the cool air, a perfect compliment to the creature comfort of a seat heater, warming the small of my back. A very enjoyable drive.

I was drawn to a 67 year old sermon today. It's patchy in parts but a great read overall. I've included some pieces of it I found especially relevant for my life today.

Excerpts from "The Weight Of Glory", from a sermon given by C.S. Lewis, 1942. Full text is here........
http://www.doxaweb.com/assets/doxa.pdf

...."These things - the beauty, the memory of our own past--are good images of what we really desire; but if they are mistaken for the thing itself they turn into dumb idols, breaking the hearts of their worshippers. For they are not the thing itself; they are only the scent of a flower we have not found, the echo of a tune we have not heard, news from a country we have not yet visited."

Later....."Here, then, is the desire, still wandering and uncertain of its object and still largely unable to see that object in the direction where it really lies. Our sacred books give some account of the object. It is of course, a symbolic account. Heaven is, by definition, outside our experience, but all intelligible descriptions must be of things within our own experience. The scriptural imagery has authority. It comes to us from writers who were closer to God than we, and it has stood the test of Christian experience through the centuries.

"For it must be true, as an old writer says, that he who has God and everything else has no more than he who has God only."

"I suddenly remembered that no one can enter heaven except as a child; and nothing is so obvious in a child---not in a conceited child, but in a good child--as its great and undisguised pleasure in being praised. Apparently what I had mistaken for humility had, all these years, prevented me from understanding what is in fact the humblest, the most childlike, the most creaturely of pleasures--nay, the specific pleasure of the inferior: the pleasure a beast before men, a child before its father, a pupil before his teacher, a creature before its Creator. I am not forgetting how horribly this most innocent desire is parodied in our human ambitions, or how very quickly, in my own experience, the lawful pleasure of praise from those whom it was my duty to please turns into the deadly poison of self-admiration."

YOU WOULDN'T LIKE ME WHEN I'M ANGRY

2009-10-01T12:59:00.000-07:00

Race Ya To The Courthouse !

Erik Sofge, based out of the Boston area, is a frequent contributor to Popular Mechanics and Slate.com. He specializes in everything scientific and technical. - MSN Auto Section's bio on one of their contributors.

What Sofge possesses in science and technology, he lacks in common sense . He submitted a write-up on the 10 most ticketed vehicles in the U.S. of A.

"Ask the average person to take a guess at the top 10, and the response is a hypothetical rogue's gallery of muscle cars, high-performance roadsters and European exotics. Fact is, the vehicles most often ticketed by law enforcement here in the United States are more run-of-the-mill than race car."

"According to San Francisco-based insurance analysts Quality Planning, half of the 10 worst traffic offenders are youthful nameplates from Toyota, and only two so-called performance brands even make the list. "There are no Ferraris [in this bunch]," says Tim Cox, a spokesperson for the company. Quality Planning compiled its list of the most misbehaving cars by surveying 1.7 million tickets issued between 2007 and 2008, and calculating the average number of moving violations across all models, for a national average of 0.23 tickets per 100,000 miles."

It's a dumb survey. Younger drivers + Impatience + Aggressiveness = Ticketed Driver. It has less to do with the car than with the demographic of that car's driver. The quote about the Ferrari peaked my curiosity.

According to Motortend. Com, Ferrari sold around 6,500 cars in 2008.

I don't have the figures for the No. 10 most ticketed car, the Toyota Matrix, though I'm confident many more than 6,500 were sold last year. The numbers alone would suggest that naturally, Ferrari would not make the cut.

Further, I suspect a high number of those Ferraris were purchased in Europe, where the laws on say, the Autobahn are not the same as I-205 in Portland or any of the various tollways in Illinois. Therefore, you'd likely see fewer tickets where a specific vehicle is located primarily in countries with looser traffic rules. I'm surely not suggesting that the traffic courts in the USA are overrun with lazy county employees, moving at the speed of syrup, creating forty forms and three floors where one and one would do just fine. Happily issuing continuances so the cash register keeps rocking. The extra po-po presence you typically see toward the end of the month ? Not a quota...just coincidence. An eerily consistent coincidence. And now I see the Red Light cameras in use, ready to photograph any vehicle that commits an infraction. It's hard to quantify how I feel about those, but here's a try. I can choose to believe that the claim that they've been installed for public safety. I don't choose to believe that because it isn't true. It's a money maker first, unsafe driving deterrent second, if that. The tickets will clog the courtrooms and the city's coffers. That's all it is.

And like the MESS in Chicago created by leasing out the parking meters to a private company, you may rely on it that from what I saw yesterday, the camera flashing every two seconds, indiscriminately....there'll be problems.

That's something you hardly ever hear together - Illinois and Problems. The Tollway for instance...the cash collecting big brother that's always under construction to slow working contractors who earned those jobs the Illinois way. The Chicago Tribune recently sat down with the new Tollway chief. Her answers, if you wish to call them that, effectively capture the spirit of Illinois government and why I'd vacate this state tomorrow if I could.

Q Some think the tollway should have been eliminated a long time ago. How you address this perception?

A I think it's too early for me to respond. ... I hear what you're saying, but I don't know that there's any factual basis for it. Is it that people just don't like to pay tolls? Are they too high? Are they not getting good service? Is it because other roads are free, so do we make other roads pay? Or do we make the tollway free? ... There's no question with Open Road Tolling that the tollway has the responsibility to make sure that what we do in terms of enforcement is fair and just and expeditious and efficient.

The new Poo-Bah replies to a straightforward question with five questions of her own. I'll answer those. No, I don't like to pay the tolls. The roads are ALWAYS in disrepair. Delays are ALWAYS present. Yes, they're too high. Why do I have to KEEP paying for a road ? Wasn't this supposed to go away years ago after the roads were fixed ? I love the third question "is it because other roads are free, so do we make other roads pay?", framed in the form of a threat "don't bitch about the tolls or we could easily toll all of them". "Are they not getting good service?" I'd have liked it if the interview probed her idea of what service is provided ? Some mute slug stands there and counts your change ? If you own an I-Pass, you cruise through. If adding tollway lanes doesn't cut down on congestion, was that a service ? The roads ? To hell with that. The roads are always in crappy shape. SERVICE ? Typical Illinois politicking.

Q The tollway's administration building in Downers Grove is commonly referred to as the Taj Mahal, even by employees. That connotes a certain tone of excess for a public agency. How will you deal with this perception?

A I hope the tollways and oases and parts of the system are well-built and maintained. The headquarters is already built. It is what it is and part of it is used by tollway users when they come in to appeal their fines and penalties. The building serves a public purpose.

WAS THAT AN ANSWER ? "It is what it is"..."The building serves a public purpose.". Is that purpose to create an opulent atmosphere that rubs the scofflaws nose in its excess ? Do they serve the offenders filet mignon while they wait two hours to have their citation called ?

I wrote the interviewer a letter, asking for his perspective. Will post if I get a response. Whatever the outcome, we need not await it to conclude one clear truth. The State of Illinois does not give two shits about the People of Illinois.

TRICK OR TREAT

2009-09-29T07:21:00.000-07:00

"If begging should unfortunately be thy lot, knock at the large gates only" - Arabian Proverb.

"Never stand begging for what you have the power to earn"- Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra, Spanish writer, author of the masterwork 'El Quijote', 1547-1616

The well dressed, chubby cheeked hispanic boy was there everyday. He'd hold eye contact and ask, as I walked by him "Wanna buy some M&M's?" When I worked in Chicago, I'd walk six blocks on my lunch break to the nearby Jewel for their deli chicken and jo-jos. When I'd secured my bag o' grease, he'd hit me up again. Did he think my answer would change ? Did he remember me?

The day arrived that I'd had enough of his schtick. I peppered him with abuse about him being out there, peddling his wares for $1.00 when the Jewel twenty paces from him sold the same thing for half that. So then, Spanky, why should I buy from you ? He never offered an answer. However, he did remember me from then on, and never asked again. Maybe my diatribe stemmed from the old Cub Scout and Little Leaguer in me, going door to door with my box of Van Duyne Chocolate Bars, selling my cuteness with my rehearsed script (intro, product, why I'm selling it, what it benefits). I'd memorized my lines, and I appreciate my mom's insistence that I do that. My sales acumen didn't translate to the upper part of the prize pyramid - a cool red dodgeball or a black Huffy with sweet mag wheels, but it was an affirming experience. I can't say the same for my lack of grace in handling the young man and his M&M's.

Throw a dart into the wind and it'll hit someone championing a cause. In the mail, I'll have five different packets of address labels - March of Dimes, Breast Cancer, etc. Dominick's wants you to donate a dollar to literacy. Hot Topic wants a dollar for young musicians. The firefighters who stand in the middle of busy intersections with their boots. The toothless guy at the light of US30/US34, with a Costco cylinder full of fun sized snacks. I turn to watch the other motorists collective panic to roll up windows and lock doors. HE'S COMING, HE'S COMING !!!! Go to the fake phone call, or the "I can't see you!" thousand yard straight ahead stare. The Cub Scout troop blocks my entrance to the pancake house, peddling fourteen varieties of popcorn. Here's a five'er. No thanks on the corn. Knock knock - oh it's the kid shelling out the Avon catalogs.

Work is no refuge from it. Hey ! The guy who's worked here two years and made no effort to get to know anyone ? Well he's getting married...you wanna throw in for a group gift ? Wanna buy a football square for the confidence pool ? The crazy laugh-talker next door is going on maternity leave...got a 10 spot for some diapers ? Here comes the Little Orphan Annie look-a-like from church with her catalog of crap. Never too early to get those holiday cookies ! Almost to the office...damnit. There's a guy in a pink vest..."Help Special Needs Children."

I applaud those who give of themselves for those less fortunate. I get it. Times are tough. I volunteer for Big Brothers Big Sisters. The money they typically get from the United Way to fund their programs ? Down some 80%. But what is it about the M&M's ? All these guys sell them. Can't find a Payday or a Snickers in there somewhere ? I know some of the guys in Chicago get boxes from the homeless shelter. What they make above cost (returned to the shelter) is there's to keep. So it's a hustle. You respect my choice not to buy, we're cool. You stick your head into the small space where the window is rolled down -- not cool. Stand in the median, making your boot visible if I want to jumpshot some money into it. Cool. Standing in front of moving traffic, making me late, not cool.

I realized that a person can't put their own conditions and ideas on charity. For years, I'd deboard at Union Station and make the walk to work. In all climates was this man Roy, who sold the Streetwise homeless newspaper. He was there at 7:30am and 5:30pm, without fail with a song in his heart and a broad smile for everyone who passed. There was genuine warmth in the hustle. I got to know him a little. We'd share a Big Mac, kind words, a hug.. I'd put extra money in a card for him during the holidays.

It made ME feel good about myself. I tried to help him with a resume'. The more I gave, the more he asked for. The longer he remained on the street, the deeper his struggle between choosing faith or suicide. I considered hiring him. I decided not to, because I didn't want to put my reputation on the line for him. I didn't know enough to make my little bubble comfortable. I changed jobs and lost track of him. I avoided walking where I thought he might be. I was burned out on shelling out. Then we reconnected. I started helping him again. A moving truck, an apartment deposit. A week later, his radiator broke, destroying all his clothes. Needed more money.

I lost faith that anything I could provide would be sufficient to sustain him for more than a few days. I stopped returning his calls. Out of guilt I'd called Streetwise months later. He wasn't registered as a paper vendor anymore.

I wonder what happened to the guy with the big smile and the song in his heart. I pray wherever he is, he has peace.

IF THE SEVEN DWARFS HAD A BLOG

2009-09-28T10:07:00.000-07:00

Dopey : Junk mail promising cash states "Online Data Entry Institute Earn $300+ A Day Or More! Start working immediately, guarenteed. No Education, special skills or experience required. You can be working from the comfort of your own home."

The author must not regard the ability to spell as a special skill. And how dare they assume my home is comfortable. The nerve !

Grumpy : Thumbs down to Morton's Steakhouse for their subpar service Saturday night. Forgot our drinks and brought Mrs. Triol a well done steak (ordered medium pink, came out gray). The coconut shrimp and garlic mash are always top notch and the two Goose Island 312s were frosty cold, but for $175, I expected something better than Outback Steakhouse on the level of customer attention.

Doc : The missus has complained of back pain for five consecutive days. I used to see the chiropractor, after waiting four months to get a 2nd opinion on what turned out to be a ruptured achilles...
They put me in a little room to watch a 20 yr old VHS tape featuring the doc from Back To The Future, showing me mockups of the spine and how it works. Hey Doc, I don't give a flying f..ck about the science. You know how to make me feel better ? Do it already.

Happy : I have generally unhappy memories of fishing with my family. Getting roused from my sleep to get in a cold, wet dingy, trolling around for trout, sea run cutthroat - usually nothing to show for it. My good memories are limited to cod fishing with my cousin Hayden. We could drift right by a spot and they'd hit the bait immediately. After being shut out last month at Lake LaSalle, we discovered that it was the worms the catfish liked. Caught 14 of them on still waters. I love the peace and quiet and the company of a good friend.

Bashful - she must have been, because I don't remember her. More junk mail from the unkillable Classmates.Com reads "See What's New With Rena Shupp". Open it and it asks "Remember Rena ?" Well, no....I don't. As a rule, I try not to make eye contact with one of my neighbors and I see him everyday. I don't remember Rena. If my experience with some other Gresham High alumni is any indication, I'm not in any hurry to remember Rena.

Sneezy - I really enjoy sneezing. Good feeling. If I can't catch enough sunlight to stare at in order to induce one, I'll just rip out some nose hair. Always works. Good times.

Sleepy - Full bladder wakes me at 3am. The kid throws a diaper on the bed and declares "I'm wet" at 4am. The cat with the kidney problem starts howling at 5am. I contemplate until 5:52am, the intellect necessary to figure out how to turn back time. No answer comes so I go downstairs and think about stretching my legs. I turn on Sportcenter and stretch them out with a blanket and Brett Favre's last second heave puts goose bumps on my arms. I don't laugh when Chris Berman calls Frank Gore's leg injury "An Inconvenient Truth". An HR rep is coming from Denver today, so I do the suit and tie and arrive right at 8am. The office coffee is as dreadful as it always is, and the Transportation Coordinator walks by in deck shoes and an old t-shirt, looking like she came straight from the campsite. Atta girl.

ZERO TOLERANCE

2009-09-28T08:59:00.000-07:00

The wind is really stirring up the mountains of unsold commodity right outside my window. The sand kicking around in circles gives it the feel of Tatooine out there, without the really cool parts like Tusken Raiders, Jawas, Landspeeders and Uncle Owen as a human marshmellow.

The nuisance is back today from a short vacation (she'd never know it's more of a vacation for me than her). The downside of the time away is that she's recharged the annoyance meter to 11.
No, I don't want to see the 250 photos of your friend's wedding, nor did I want to help you edit your bridesmaid's speech, nor do I understand how you are taking some kind of perverse credit (?) for your daughter's election to homecoming court (I actually do understand where it comes from, but it makes it no less nauseating to hear the same announcement repeated to 12 different co-workers)

"It's cold outside" - uttered right after I'd stepped back inside. NO SHIT ?

"It's right there" - pointing to the corner of my desk where I the employee saw me see her place the papers I needed...you know...so I wouldn't forget it or fail to see it.

"I put _____ on credit hold and (sales person) called me asking "did you call and tell them they're on hold ? How many times have you called them?" This is the typical "bitch about it without a solution" mantra. I instruct her that in the future, she should point salesperson to the expensive system that allows them to see our phone activity. To that, the reply comes..."EXACTLY." I feel aggravation and pity in equal measure. Living such a desperate for attention, closed off to any advice. Yes'd and I Know'd, head nodding in full agreement to a thought I haven't yet completed Confirming understanding of certain concepts that I know very well the employee has NO knowledge of at all.. Oh, you know already ? What am I doing here, talking ? I've tried every approach, from tons of attention and praise to closing my door so I won't get her walking by to announce that yes, the e-mail is on its way ! The spittle from my sneeze hasn't hit my laptop monitor before a hearty BLESS YOU makes its way around the wall.

I'd say the upside of the employee's codependency is the great holiday and birthday gift cards, if it weren't for the unspoken understanding that you in turn will spend the same amount if not more (because you're the boss) for their birthdays. The real upside - the employee will agree to anything -- like the time I recently convinced her that our former VP's middle name is Socrates.

GREETINGS

2009-09-28T08:06:00.000-07:00

Summer: We've been like Sid and Nancy for months now.
Tom: Summer, Sid stabbed Nancy, seven times with a kitchen knife, I mean we have some disagreements but I hardly think I'm Sid Vicious.
Summer: No I'm Sid.
Tom: Oh, so I'm Nancy...
[Pancakes arrive]
Summer: Let's just eat and we'll talk about it later. Mmm, that is good, I'm really glad we did this. I love these pancakes... what?
[Tom gets up and walks away from the table]
Summer: Tom, don't go! You're still my best friend!

I really enjoyed "(500) Days of Summer", an unconventionally cute little movie - alot of laughs, moments of substance (without taking itself too seriously) and great supporting performances. It's also got cute little nerd fantasy girl Zoey Deschanel in it, finally given a role to showcase her talents. The soundtrack is also superb (The Smiths figure prominently).
The movie doesn't follow the guy gets girl, guy loses girl, guy gets girl typical story arc. And it's told out of chronological order. I imagine that scared off those who prefer that the trailer give away all of the plot details. For my cash, GI Joe was infinitely more confusing than a story told out of order. People wearing leather and blue tooths dropping into frame, kicking people, disappearing, uttering 4th grade level dialogue and of course, no stinker is ever truly rank without a feature performance by a Wayans brother. Simply put, many people complain when the see a movie they've seen a 100 times before, but then complain when a new movie doesn't fit that comfortable understanding. Still, it's made 31 million on a 7.5 million dollar budget. There's hope yet, we're not all as dumb and fat as the humans portrayed in "Wall-E" (didn't see the mass appeal, thumbs down for me).
The male lead in the movie works for a greeting card company, penning sentiments he doesn't quite believe in. I got to thinking about this movie because I was at the local Dominick's Friday night. After scoring a rare, legit deal on the Value Card (18 oz Golden Double Stuff Oreos, $1.99), I cruised the greeting card aisle looking for a Just Because to go with a dozen yellow roses. Next to the Sympathy section (one could argue Kim should get one of those for marrying me), my eyes fell on a hilarious "occasion.". Behind a handful of cards, the tab read.............."Troubled Relationship" and below that "It's Not Perfect, But It's Ours".

God help me should that day come when I'm going into a grocery store thinking "boy, my relationship is troubled and no, it's not perfect but darn it, It's Ours. I sure hope there's a card that captures all of those thoughts for me so I don't have to tax myself creatively." Anymore it's ridiculous how specific these cards are. You'll read one with seven paragraphs going "Does the author know my relationship ? This is spot on ! And then it'll end with something like "I'm sorry the cat's missing because I left the garage door open last night."

I like that Troubled Relationship cards are still out there because that means we're not quite to the age when E-Cards universally qualify as a "thoughtful gesture." Nothing like a pre-made card that you add your friends e-mail to that says "I was thinking of you today on your special day, but just not enough to get off my fat ass and spring for $4.00 and a few original sentiments."

Isn't it still hard to find work ? You'd never know by the giant 'tude on the squatty cashier with the nose piercing with her eyes to the floor like I just caught her sniffing her fingers. I had a good indication she was going through the motions, when after bagging my roses, card and oreos, asked "Would you like any help to your car tonight?"

TAKIN' IT TO THE STREETS

2009-09-25T20:00:00.000-07:00

----Token Shot of Elisabeth Shue playing a hooker in "Leaving Las Vegas" - decent flick but on the level of Schindler's List as far as repeat views go.

A poll of 113 men who buy sex in Chicago :

Religious Affiliation :

Catholic 36%
No Affiliation 44%

Looks like the Catholics still aren't reading much of the good book.

The article profiles advocates who are trying to make sure the Po Po arrest the "john" as well as the prostitute. They take it further in saying "if you treat her as a victim and offer her services and support, it's less likely she will return to prostitution, and that's the shift in our law that we are advocating." The other belief is that by holding the men accountable who are fueling the demand for the sex trade, and by helping women escape it - prostitution would plummet. What will all the sex hungry Olympic visitors do for their fix ? Egads.

Bold statement. I do agree - they need help. Getting into something like this as a teenager...it doesn't really lead to big things like the white picket fence and a dental plan, despite what Julia Roberts and Richard Gere would have you believe.

So here's the stat. Advocate says "johns" account for only 25% of the 4,000 - 5,000 annual prostitution related arrests and pimps less than 1%. Is this compelling stuff? A pimp usually has a large stable of ho's. Let's say 15 to 1. Of course it's going to be less than one percent. We haven't evolved to the point where a Ho can get one on one representation.....yet.

And as long as HBO keeps pumping out shows about theme parks for pervs like "Moonlite Bunny Ranch", Cathouse 1 & 2 (tagline suggestion for No. 3 "This time, it's impersonal), the oldest business in the world will continue to thrive.

I can't decide what is more baffling -- that the guys on this show agree to be filmed or just how off the charts heinous the "talent" is. I used to have a "den mother" who looked after my Cub Scout troop. She was very uh...witchy in her appearance. My mom once said "she looks like she fell out of an ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down." You could put that sentence above the headboard of every whore in the joint as a corporate Mission Statement.

PORK N BEANS

2009-09-24T14:11:00.000-07:00

"....But that doesn't make Semenya's case any less troubling, poignant or compelling. Maybe that's because it reinforces gender stereotypes even as it appears to defy them. For those who champion women's potential and their equality with men, it was exciting to see the powerful Semenya win a race by a wide margin. But to learn that this woman won -- for lack of a better way of putting it -- because she competed at least partly on male terms sours the whole experience. It seems unfair to the other female runners, and worse, it forces a recognition of the irreducible fact that male hormones make you more physically powerful than female ones."-- Meghan Daum - on the firestorm over Caster Semenya's 800 meter win and discovery that she is "intersex".

Forces a recognition that men are more powerful ? How many years now has the WNBA been around ? I figured the first two inch vertical layup off the wrong foot confirmed that one.

Intersex = has male and female characteristics. She has internal testicles and lacks ovaries or a uterus

Daum adds "Some have speculated that Semenya's particular condition is something called partial androgen insensitivity syndrome, which occurs in one of every 130,000 births. You do the math: In its most common form, being born intersex is rare but not vanishingly rare; by some measures, it's on the order of being born with red hair."

Haven't the gingers suffered enough ? What are the odds of being both redheaded and a stepchild ? Redheaded, stepchild and hidden nutsac ?
Did you know that an anagram for Caster Semenya is Necessary Meat ? I'm just sayin'.

"The City That Works"

2009-09-24T13:52:00.000-07:00

Cook County prosecutors have subpoenaed county financial records in what sources said Thursday was a widening criminal investigation that began with questions about County Board Preident Todd Stroger's hiring and quick promotion (from $48,000 to $61,000 in four months) of a former steakhouse busboy. Stroger hired Tony Cole, who for a time worked for Donna Dunnings, Stroger's cousin (of course) and the county chief financial officer until Stroger forced her to resign in April, after she'd twice bailed Cole out of jail.

Ever check out the fantastic FX show "The Shield" ? Ever think "no way that's possible?"....Yes, Way.

Four former Chicago police officers implicated in the Special Operations Section scandal have been charged, a sign that the state and federal probes of one of the city's biggest police corruption scandals ever is coming to a head. The men are to be arraigned on charges of robbery, home invasion and official misconduct, for several years acting under the guise of busting street gangs and rounding up guns. They're expected to eventually plead guilty (they're ratting out the ringleader for a lesser sentence). SOS was once one of the department's elite crime-fighting units, praised as the best at making gang and drug arrests. Though while racking up arrests in the 1990's and early 2000s, they were tallying THOUSANDS of complaints of false arrest and thefts.

Now, I'm sure this is just a big, silly misunderstanding. Still, things didn't work out too well for the guys on the Strike Team in The Shield. I originally wrote what happened to them, but in the event you have the time for a great TV series, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Shield, Netflix that action.

There's a reasonable chance you'll end up in prison with some of the perps you put away. Good luck with that.

Triple Your Gay

2009-09-24T12:12:00.000-07:00

GAY TO THE FIRST POWER

I can only wait so long.

I checked with the one person in the office who's not in danger of an immediate heart attack and he said no, the drink wasn't his.

I waited four days after first seeing the object of my affection, so lonely there, next to the aged packets of Arby's Sauce, french dressing and ketchup.

So I freed the strawberries n cream protein shake from the inside door of its chilly prison. And it was magically delicious.

Still, whose idea was it to call it MUSCLE MILK ? Reminds me of the gag in "Tropic Thunder", where the black soldier tries to launch his energy drink called "Booty Sweat" - but is actually super gay. Only....in the reverse. If they settled on Muscle Milk, I dread the thought of what some of the discarded names may have looked like ? Dick Dairy ? Homo Ogenize ? That's just off the top of the noggin', folks. I've concluded that the makers of Muscle Milk are conducting some kind of covert conversion stuff because now I want to listen to a Cher CD. WTF ?

GAY TO THE 2ND POWER

Construction is an outwardly manly man's kind of business (despite our former sales manager's falsetto and JC Penney holiday sweater collection). So this being a salt of the earth kind of place, it's funny to see an e-mail from a finance colleague discussing credit holds :

"Sending trucks away at the yards or having them dump their loads is time consuming and very unproductive"

Glad he didn't forget to put "trucks" in there. Uh huh huh...he said "LOADS".

Free Video Hosting

GAY TO THE THIRD POWER

I play in a golf tournament every year. The rules require that all tee shots off the first hole are logged. The man with the shortest tee shot "wins" the "Dick Out Award". The prize is that you walk the entire hole with your junk exposed. Put 75 guys together, many who travel from out of state to play in this tourney and the result is dragging our pork n beans out for all to see? How is this funny and not completely homoerotic? It reeks of an excuse to re-enact middle school PE shower time. I don't get it at all. Very, very, very gay. Hole In Hole In One Gay.

A Fox By Any Name

2009-09-24T11:35:00.000-07:00

"The direction's slackly indecisive and visually drab, and in the middle of it is a thinly conceived antagonist played by Megan Fox. Honestly, she's a pretty bad actress. She doesn't seem to get Cody's (director) sense of humor. At all." - Michael Phillips, Tribune Film Critic.

Megan Fox...Visually Drab ? Get some glasses, Mike ! Or you're watching the cinematography of an ironic horror movie flick while Megan's front and center. Get some perspective, Mike ! Not even Fox calls herself a good actress. They don't put her on the poster to get people flocking to her method acting. Geez. The opening shot of her on the motorcycle in Transformers 2 was the only memorable shot from that mess of a movie.

From Entertainment Weekly, a mostly useless piece of puff garbage. But check this interview done during the press junkets for T-2. She proves to have as much candor and humor as good looks. She doesn't pretend to be something she isn't. And she's working it. To that I say, bravo. I haven't seen her new movie yet. If I do, she'll be the reason I do.

I watched this twice. I think she was talking. Can't remember. I don't think she gives a crap.

When we met up with Fox poolside in Los Angeles last week, she greeted us in a bikini top under a white T-shirt, snug sweatpants, and dark aviator sunglasses (geez)

ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY: Transformers turned you into an overnight star. Looking back, how do you feel about the movie? MEGAN FOX: I'm terrible in it. It's my first real movie and it's not honest and not realistic. The movie wasn't bad, I just wasn't proud about what I did.

What percentage of your range have people seen so far? Seven percent. On the new one, I tried. But unless you're a seasoned veteran, working with Michael Bay is not about an acting experience.

You up for a third Transformers?Sure. I mean, I can't s--- on this movie because it did give me a career and open all these doors for me. But I don't want to blow smoke up people's ass. People are well aware that this is not a movie about acting. And once you realize that, it becomes almost fun because you can be in the moment and go, ''All right, I know that when he calls Action! I'm either going to be running or screaming, or both.''

Do you think you're a good actress?I think I could be. If I really buckle down, I think one day I could be a very good actress. But so far, I haven't done anything yet.

Is all the attention mysterious? Yes. I don't feel like I had to climb a ladder, so it doesn't feel like I've earned it.

When you were growing up and wanting to be an actress, you must have wanted to be famous one day, right? Well, yeah, because that's how you measure success in Hollywood, really. But you have no idea what this life is like until you are living it. I used to sit back and think, ''Please, Britney Spears has the best life ever — she has everything she could ever want!'' But she has one of the worst lives. Her life is a living f---ing nightmare. I have panic attacks thinking about her life.

ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY: You've only done a couple of movies, so you're still mostly known as a sex symbol rather than an actress.MEGAN FOX: It doesn't bother me. I don't know why someone would complain about that. That just means that the bar has been set pretty low. People don't expect me to do anything that's worth watching. So I can only be an overachiever. I think all women in Hollywood are known as sex symbols. That's what our purpose is in this business. You're merchandised, you're a product. You're sold and it's based on sex. But that's okay. I think women should be empowered by that, not degraded.

Do you think you're good-looking? Well, I'm clearly not ugly.

And you've got a lot of confidence.I think most people are extremely insecure. As far as girls go, I have a really badass personality. I'm smart and I can be really funny and interesting and I can go toe-to-toe with anybody in a conversation. So I'm not afraid to speak, and I think that's what people read as this überconfidence. I have a mouth and I'm not afraid to use it (geez)
I don't understand why people don't have a f---ing sense of humor. Always assume that I'm being sarcastic. Like when I said those things about High School Musical. I didn't really mean that it's about pedophilia. But if you get high and you watch it, that is what that f---ing movie is about!

Did you watch that high?Yes, and it blew my mind.
You also said that when you go to Hollywood parties you feel like chum to these creepy older guys...I notice them circling me and deciding what their plan of attack is going to be, and I think that's because I have this image of this little sex kitten — this oversexed wild child. So they think that I'm ready to throw down. And so everybody wants to try and, like, get in there. And I'm actually not that way at all.

Your first film was the 2001 Olsen twins straight-to-DVD movie Holiday in the Sun. Have you watched it lately? Oh, f--- no! I would kill myself!

That's The Spirit

2009-09-24T11:17:00.000-07:00

"One thing you don't do is give up drinking. Especially if you lose your job or your stock portfolio is in the toilet." -- Ann Gilpin, analyst at Morningstar inc.

Something tells me she's not on Alcoholics Anonymous' shortlist of keynote speakers for their annual meeting.

Based on Ann's wisdom (and correct observation), perhaps it should be called Alcoholics Unanimous.

She goes on to say that liquor prices appear to be on a broad upward trajectory, and that might complicate efforts by drinkers to pinch pennies. In hard economic times, she said, people may trade down to cheaper brands, but even those prices are rising.

I guess this means my brother in-law will be selling more plasma and platelets for this winter's inventory of Busch and Keystone Light. Vaya con Dios and your now expensive piss beer, Kurt.

Cry Me A River Card

2009-09-22T13:36:00.000-07:00

SLOT MACHINE
A coin-operated device, used by low-lifes, cretins, old ladies with blue hair, and idiots who like ringing bells and flashing lights. The sole purpose of a slot machine is to redistribute wealth from the poor and stupid to the rich. --as described by Urban Dictionary.Com

The author need not be so redundant. Everyone knows old ladies are cretins !

MASHANTUCKET, Conn. -- The world’s largest Indian gaming casino is juggling a known debt of $1.4 billion.

The Mashantucket Pequot Tribal Nation has a loan payment due Tuesday and members of the tribe met Monday to discuss the situation.

Foxwoods Resort Casino is one of the largest casino destinations in the world and is owned by the Mahantucket Pequot Tribe and partners with MGM in the MGM Grand Casino on the sprawling reservation in Ledyard.

The downturn in the economy has had a tremendous impact on the gaming industry. In July, the casino said slot revenue dropped 13 percent compared to a year ago.

Now...let's all listen for the collective sniffle of sympathy for the casinos, those purveyors of fairness!

Incidentally, the video clip for this article ....not an indian in sight ! I guess folks have resorted to faking their own deaths for insurance money or robbing banks ...ya know, things with better odds of success.

Monopoly Money

2009-09-22T09:50:00.000-07:00

March 2009 - a customer is invoiced for the $12,000 they've just purchased. This customer has not made a purchase in nearly three years. The product is delivered to a site in Chicago. No questions are asked. Thirty days later, an insurance company sues them for seven figures. There is no answer at any of their numbers.

August 2009 - the balance is written off to bad debt. The business is notified to stop making large sales to unknown entities without engaging some minimal underwriting / sniff test opportunity.

September 2009 - the same business unit issues an invoice for $10,000 to a customer. The billed amount comes to 10 X their assigned buying limit. Their TOTAL purchases for all of 2008 was $730.08.

Credit notifies business to cease selling the customer until an application is filled out.
No app is received. One week later, application is filled out. Sales rep indicates the customer is aggressively opposed to signing a personal guaranty (that sound you hear is the red flag going up the pole).
I tell sales rep "we're not off to a good start. I'll call you when the credit references on the app are returned."
Less than an hour later, the rep calls, "Did you get anything on those references?". Remembering that I stated that I'd call him, I fantasize about my head exploding. Seems the customer wants to buy more product.............now.
The first reference is in. Over 75% of their balance is past due. The word SLOW is circled. These are the good references ?
Customer somehow (I know how) gets my number and calls direct. As I begin to recite the reason(s) why we're not yet agreeing to sell him, he cuts me off and shouts 'LOOK, WE'RE ON A DEADLINE, WE'RE NOT GOING TO SCREW YOU OVER OKAY?' I do love the defensiveness. Doesn't alarm me at all, right ?

I will not spend any righteous anger on this. It is a chase after nothing. We will either collect the balance, or write it off. The outcome of the transaction will not in any measurable way change the way business is conducted. That is the truth. Just like this old favorite !

http://espanol.video.yahoo.com/watch/3720198/10223420

It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown. Football Season. en Yahoo! Video

You Are Grumpy And It Is About The Money

2009-09-22T09:27:00.000-07:00

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that. -- George Carlin

When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny? -- George Carlin

"I'm normally a very positive person, BUT........" --heard in a recent meeting from the most negative guy in the company. There is no close second. The guy is a whining, griping, curmudgeonly bitching machine.

If you have to announce that you are something, you are probably not what you say you are. It works in the opposite use too. Like a player who signs for $100 million and promptly announces, "it's not about the money."....the same guy who tells his reps to broadcast his charitable deeds, have his friends say "he does all sorts of things that never get reported" and then promptly invites a camera crew to his appearance at a children's hospital.

MARBLE MOUTH

2009-09-22T08:33:00.000-07:00

Mrs. Triol likes the letter "Y". It is an all purpose add-on when used to describe something in the extreme, like "I don't like that dress, it's too orange(y)", and "I really like this dress, it's very flow(y). For years, I've faced down the death threats that accompany my gentle corrections. I can't count how many times I've been told "YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!". Yes, dear I do.

As the years go by, I take fewer shots. For example, last night she offered "this thing already broke and I'd just boughten it a week ago", I opted to stay quiet.

The corporate environment is no real improvement. Daily, there are the misuses of like sounding words like effect/affect and the more offensive except/accept. I resist a reply like "I accept that you didn't pay attention in your classes except for P.E.".

Fancy Pants E-Mailer
"The fax number has changed at the scalehouse.Please feel free to pass this on to anyone else I may not have included" -- self-promoting co-worker

Well, you either either did or did not include specific co-workers. There is no "may". Now get thee to a schoolhouse and go learn yourself something useful, like how to leave stirring sticks on your desk so I stop using your scissors to mix the cream into my coffee.

Singularly Sloppy
"I will make sure you are receiving this type of messages....in order to stay informed on related issues & updates." -- unnamed IT professional

Where do I start ? How about here :

"This" is used for singular nouns that are close to the speaker.
"These" is used for plural nouns that are close to the speaker.

And again, same guy...........
"It appears several changes were made to Invoice format." -- response to angry end users after major structural changes were made, with no advance notice or consultation.

Appears? People just can't be too cute when it comes to e-mail. He attached a file that clearly illustrates all the changes, so it does not APPEAR that they were made. They....were....made. It merely appears that someone is protecting his job security by acknowledging a problem in a passive manner, for the purpose of distancing himself from the author of the changes. In the same e-mail, he writes "I am investigating with IT and FSC AR about these changes".

Well asshole, you ARE in the IT department. They are you. You are they. Or is it this are you ? You are these ? So it appears that you've dropped the appearance of a problem. The problems are actual, not perceived.

His title ? Naturally and hysterically, "Process Improvement Manager".

Duh

2009-09-21T13:09:00.000-07:00

The Obvious, For $100 please.
Decided to try the McDonald's Angus Burger today. Shaggy haired hooligan takes my order. Ten minutes go by. I put down the sports page and walk up the counter, next to my still empty tray. Shaggy looks at me and asks "Still waiting on that Angus burger ?". No sir, I'm up here because I WANT TO MAKE A NEW FRIEND. His co-worker delivers the beef frisbee and says "there ya go, sorry for the wait.". Sorry ? Is sorry going to bring me my fries because I don't seem to see any on the tray. I do not say this. I think it. Instead I calmly ask her if my fries are somehow contained inside the carton with the hamburger. No verbal reply follows. She delivers a box of perfectly room temperature potatoes. I should have walked out after I walked in, when Shaggy greeted me with a point of his finger and said "You, next."

The Obvious, for $200 please.
The guy outside the Woodfield Mall JC Penney on Sunday. Store opens at 11am and at 10:48am, Though no one has approached since the last time he did it (2 minutes prior) he insists on trying the doors, yanking to and fro yelling through the glass, can't they open the damned doors !?!?!

The Obvious for $300 please.
Drunk guy at The Foundry last night, who set things down at our table and began to speak before realizing that he stopped one table short. And then attempted to make us believe we looked just like his two drunk friends a foot behind us. Bonus Points for the hand to mouth gesture he made upon seeing a shot of Eli Manning's wife flashed on the screen and he utters "Oh Yeah is that going to be Tony Romo's next GUZZLER," and bathing in the accolades of his buddies for his tremendous wit.

The Not So Obvious
Sydney : I like your shirt daddy.
Me : Thanks honey, is it really cool ?
Sydney : It's not really cool, just a little bit cool.

Me : Sydney, what do you want to do when you get older ?
Sydney : (pauses to consider)....I want to get a present.

Sydney-isms :

"I'm exciting that I got a new head band."
"I like this lotion really much."
"I told my friend Ava that you shaved more of your beard."
"I was crying when I got to the new gym because I wanted to go to the old gym, but then I got a gumball and I wasn't crying anymore".
"I made a new friend today." That's nice honey, what's her name ? "I don't know."
"Your car smells like an airplane"
"My friend said a bad word at my house. She said sh................it"

Lunch Soundtrack

2009-09-21T12:55:00.000-07:00

Elburn, IL - Ding....I push open the door, and a sound alerts the zombie lidded employees like a cattle prod that a customer has arrived. One of them, in a tone suitable for a greeter at a funeral home, mumbles "Welcome to Subway", if only because the manager might be listening. Welcome to Anywhere USA.

I shuffle past photos to my right, images of food that in my years of patronage, I've never seen. No photos of the browning lettuce. No illustration of an empty onion bin, save for the remaining two/three reserved for my sammich. Instead, there is a block of ham in the foreground of one shot, inviting appetite with perfect cuts laying on top of one another. In the background, blocks of salami, roast beef. All of it looks FRESH. As I'm considering this, I adjust my eyes to the sterile lighting. Despite the presence of three sandwich artists, the line isn't really moving. Customer number two, wide as a train, is indecisive on which heart killing condiments she wants added to her five dollar footlong. I ponder the Harvest Grain Sun Chips but opt for Cool Ranch Doritos. I spend some time fondling each bag, forever in search of the one with three or four extras in it.

At some point I take stock of how depressing this experience is. There are maybe six customers and four employees. All ten of us seem catatonic as we go about the business of sandwich making and eating. This feeling is furthered by my realization that the speakers are playing Alanis Morrissette's "You Live, You Learn" :

I recommend getting your heart trampled on to anyone
I recommend walking around naked in your living room
Swallow it down (what a jagged little pill)
It feels so good (swimming in your stomach)
Wait until the dust settles

You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn

As the song ends, a Subway spot reminds me that I'm in Subway and the eating here is FRESH. The disembodied voice urges me to consider a FRESH platter of cookies. As I bite into the not quite fresh wheat bread, good taste is pummeled by a rock block from hell, the Barenaked Ladies "One Week", followed by the Friends theme. My last bite proves too difficult, a mustardy smidgeon breaks free, keeping my streak intact of ruining white shirts.

I wondered about sandwich maker no. 2. She seemed to grin in my direction as I approached the spread of fixings. Turns out, the girl in front of me was a friend of hers. Seems pleasantry is reserved only for those they know. Sandwich maker number one, (her qualifications limited to cutting the bread and peeling the limp meat from its waxy paper home) looks positively hateful. Perhaps her promotion to Vegetable Asker was delayed. Per usual, I have to ask No. 2 to add more than the thumbnail of mustard she's squirted onto the greying roast beef.

I make my way to my seat. I try to concentrate on my book. It takes me a few minutes to identify the coke machine as the source of the incessant 'CLANK, CLANK, CLANK, CLANK'. No one else seems to notice. I wonder if others are making mental notes for a blog I'll never see. My guess is no for the girl in the Northern Illinois t-shirt who absentmindedly wags a cucumber at no one in particular for several minutes.

A behemoth grazes to my right, leaning very far forward, concentrating on the blanks of a Subway job application. My guess, she pays for two seats if/when she flies. Definitely not in harmony with the Jared image. Dressed professionally in her jean shorts, flip flops and lime green hoodie declaring 'I LOVE___ she gets stumped and phones a friend for some info. I can't make out what she loves (though my guess is : TRANSFAT) until she gets up to demonstrate her interest in a position. I was treated to her exposed backside for the better part of my meal, her backside goose pimpling like an undercooked chicken. Her freaky big hands tug the sweater down to reveal 'I LOVE D.C.' My guess this time, that stands for District of Columbia. Because it sure as hell isn't "Diet Coke".

Mothballs, Hairballs

2009-09-19T13:08:00.000-07:00

I suppose the thinking was, Mrs. Triol wanted to clear enough room in our trashed garage for both of our vehicles to fit.

So it was, many months ago, she independently decided to rent a storage unit. For $86 a month, we have a space that holds the same CRAP that previously resided in our home for no charge.

As I work to undo this (read : throwing shit away), I've stumbled on some real winners....things I've never seen in our nearly ten years of marriage. Things such as.............this...

To be fair, one of the recommendations on the back, from a Dr. Michael W Fox (seriously) breathlessly praises "Establishes a new frontier for the veterinary profession..Essential reading for all who live with cats.". The good doc takes 226 pages to either confirm or debunk the obvious on the feline...Attitude - dismissive, Emotions - random button and Psychology ??? Here's an excerpt from the back "Dr. Dodman provides hope regarding CAT PANIC ATTACKS, EATING DISORDERS, litter box aversion to phobias and DEPRESSION." Negro, Please !!!! Are we measuring depression in an animal that is awake 3-4 hours a day at best ?

So we live with them....at least that's cleared up now. I wonder if this book has anything in it that could have prevented the necessity of sending Zoya into that good night on my 39th birthday ? That wasn't fun. Apparently the cost of gullibility reads $15, plus of course the pro-rated cost to store this item. Not to forget the shabby chair and ottoman that we purchased from Men's Wearhouse when Sydney was born. That item occupies some sweet real estate in storage. Mrs. Triol says "maybe we can get $200 for it.". Yes, well maybe we can leave it by a dumpster and get closer to $86 extra each month. That's exactly what happened to the old scratching post the cats never used. I left it right next to the sign that said "Resident Dumping Only : Violators Will Be Prosecuted."

In Mrs. Triol's defense, I did unearth a Steve Francis bobblehead doll, too. When did I think that'd be worth saving ?

Doofus of the Day - guy who writes my e-bay account to inquire about the four $85 hockey tickets that will go to waste tonight. He writes "Meet me in NW Indiana and I'll give you $30 for the pair?"

In other animal news, and a cheap reason to post a gratuitous shot of Ms. Simpson, our gal Jessica lost her maltese this week at the hands of a wild coyote (thanks for clearing that up People magazine...are there coyotes of the domesticated variety ?). Jessica has offered a REWARD for the return of her dog. I did consider the absurdity of this statement when it posted 9/15....the hilarity confirmed when The Soup host Joel McHale offered "so there are coyotes that read fliers."

Tweet follower "barbshadow" wrote Jessica : "Pooor thing :( I hope you can find her- I cant believe it,". Something tells me Barb, her pain would not be lessened by finding what's left of old Daisy.

Here's the money, an old shot of her flashing the Bill K friendly peace sign.

Book + Friend's Suicide = Camera Time !

2009-09-15T07:01:00.000-07:00

I read recently that since his arrest, over 90% of those polled think either 1) Blago is just as unlikeable or 2) he's an even bigger douche. I guess even for Blago, it's tough to overcome taped audio of him auctioning a political position.

Campbell Brown...Who is this woman ? I have no idea. She's someone with a show and a platform that advertises "No Bias, No Bull". You be the judge. Though we all know who Blago is (opportunist, camera whore, a fallen man), and who he claims he is (tireless warrior for the common man), he is certainly bringing "The Bull" and there can be no question that she's bringing "The Bias". Still, funny stuff...

Denying wrongdoing all the way to the Big House. This is grimly entertaining, watching this interviewer make no attempt to hide her skepticism and disgust at Blago. Watching Blago go directly into "talking point mode", just speaking from a tired script.

This is regrettably another very public example of what fallen men look like. Men who can never quench their thirst for money, position and power.....

Panera

2009-09-10T13:36:00.000-07:00

Nice leisurely work lunch today.

Tried the *New* Summer Corn Chowder Bread Bowl. That's going to be a problem, later. The bread bowl is a good deal but the soup to bread ratio errs too much on the starchy side. The cashier could have been Marg Helgenburger's stunt double...in a good way. CAUTION : COUGAR MANNING PANERA REGISTER.

Chased it with three Diet Pepsi. Love the post 12-1pm all you can Wi-Fi, and the people watching is always superb. Today's highlight was the toddler who twice got ON a table behind his mother and jumped up and down on it. I turned off my headphones briefly to confirm that he was indeed, yelling. She made no attempt to rescue the other diners from her demon spawn's yelping. Runner Up went to a late comer, guy who left his table to take a call and paced left to right, right to left directly in front of my table for ten minutes. I wasn't quick enough to devise a plan to stinkpalm him so a frustrated WTF look would have to do....not that he paid any attention.

Very friendly greeter, bonus points for it being girl + baseball cap (a form of kryptonite for me) and free sample tray of treats. I opted for a blondie, a little condensed brick of sugar heaven. Bonus Round -- I'm given a dixie cup sized portion of Pumpkin Spice something. It's warm and caramel(y) and an out of body experience.

Left the charger at home, so I'd better make use of the remaining 52 minute of battery power to do important tasks -- like checking facebook to see what a guy ate that I haven't talked to in person in 12 years.

<--not this Blondie. That'd be weird. Though after the corn chowder, the tide may indeed be high.

A Picture Worth 134 Words

2009-09-09T19:36:00.000-07:00

Suddenly,

I'm not half the man I used to be

There's a shadow hanging over me

Oh, yesterday came suddenly

.--The Beatles, "Yesterday"

Let It Be
"You can hear the phlegm in his voice," Hemmert (the Tony Soprano tranny on the right) says as she listens to John Lennon, who had a head cold at the time. "It's great."
Really ? Later, the guy on the left, probably on break from hosting a Magic : The Gathering tournament, intones "I don't like the separation of the instruments. I want it to mush together."

Blech...

The Tribune herded together four prominent Beatles fans to try out the new re-releases in their remastered glory. Two of the unfabulous four are committing felonious offenses to good taste (sideburns and grown out receding hairline, complimenting the five-head, flavor saver below lower lip, slimming hemp looking shirt). Also, when a still shot of your arm resembles a turkey neck, I'd recommend mixing in a DIET Pepsi eh.

Cut That Meat !

2009-09-09T14:17:00.000-07:00

Intelligent...check.
Prepared...check.
Dedicated....check.
Charitable...check.
Focused....check.
Clutch...check.
NFL Champion....check.

Despite all these positive traits/achievements, the think I like most about Peyton Manning is that he GETS it. He takes his job seriously. He doesn't take himself seriously. Since he first started with the commercials...the best of which I'll include below, he's been Madison Ave gold.

Saturday Night Live anymore...they're good for about two skits before the show loses steam. However, during the Peyton hosted episode two years ago, I watched until the end and glad I did. Usually the last skit is a total bust, an insult to filler. This one however is the exception. Enjoy.

Foot In Mouth Disease

2009-09-09T07:11:00.000-07:00

Peter Gibbons: Let me ask you something. When you come in on Monday and you're not feeling real well, does anyone ever say to you, "Sounds like someone has a case of the Mondays"?
Lawrence: No. No, man. Shit, no, man. I believe you'd get your ass kicked sayin' something like that, man.
--Office Space, 1999

Tired and Tiresome

I hereby nominate into forced retirement :

The use of the term "Happy Camper". I went camping this year. I didn't hear the phrase in use.

The letter "a" used in a sentence such as "any time a tournament has a Tiger Woods in it, there's going to be a big turnout." There is only one Tiger Woods. Only the Golden Bear has won more tournaments. Dispense with the cute and make the point. If you want to use "a" in this context, say perhaps, "any time a tournament has a Sergio Garcia in it, you know you'll get to see a fancy euro sissy spit the bit in the clutch."
Speaking of Sergio, he gets idiot of the week award for being quoted as saying, after playing six consecutive tournaments, he is really tired. It's no wonder that this top ten talent hasn't been able to win a major in his career. He probably had enough energy to deposit the $410,000 he pulled from those six events.

It's All Relative

The Trib Watchdog group posted the expense accounts of all the city alderman. The big spenders were predictably called out.

Alderman Walter Burnett Jr (27th Ward) paid his mother Dorothy Burnett nearly $20,000 and said it was for work in his ward office on issues related to seniors, public housing and human services. "I have no problem helping my mother. That's my mother. If it weren't for her, I wouldn't be here. If I could get her Mayor Daley's job, I would do it." Remove your foot from your talkbox sir. Help your mom ? Great. Use some of your $106,000 salary for that. We all know your Ma didn't do jack shit for the "City That Works"...Pfft.

Four Degrees of Stinking Corruption
Alderman George Cardenas (12th Ward) paid $10,000 to college student Matt Sanchez. Matt's pappy Al is a former Streets and Sanitation commissioner awaiting sentencing for rigging city hiring to help workers from the defunct Hispanic Democratic Organization. That pro-Daley group helped elect....you got it........Cardenas.

"I met the kid, interviewed the kid, was very impressed. Look at what he got paid. It's a summer job. Give me a break."

Though no mention of what Matt Sanchez actually DID, let's not miss the point. He got 10 Gs. Nice summer gig if you can get it. I'm sure his resume' was just the best one in the pile and that the process was completely objective. His relation to his dad, and dad's relation to the HDO and the HDOs relation to Daley....just a coincidence. Dude makes 10 large sound like a lifeguard or an admin assistant pull that down on the regular. Pull your foot outta your mouth Georgie.

People Say The Craziest Things

2009-09-09T06:28:00.000-07:00

This week's award for tolerance goes to...........

"Like I was telling _____, I'm not prejudice at all but, I was taking my daughter to this town an hour and forty minutes away for her volleyball game, and this town...it was by a river, and there were all these grungy looking hispanics around. I was kinda creeped out, ya know ? We ran to the car afterward." -- the morning update from the attention starved, not at all prejudiced co-worker.

Paying It Forward

Same co-worker.........."so I'm going to be doing a bible study with little kids"...........Me : Oh yeah ? What will you be doing ? Her..."oh, playing dvds and making crafts for God or whatever."

Maybe she can explain to her young audience why she's still calling her farm's Halloween spectacle a "Spook House".

Chance Meetings
Picked up a Chicago Reader at the Disc Replay near my house. The cover had a photo of an old time baseball player so it peaked my interest. As I was tossing it out, I happened upon the back section. They should really call it "Family Friendly" -- contains lurid photos of women (actual, no doubt) pleading for you to call their chat line. Sections on full body massages. Some more to the point (escorts). One section that both amused and terrified me...the "I SAW YOU" section. A sampling I'll call Run For Your Life, parts 1 through 4:

I pointed at him and shrugged my shoulders : "These cabbies. Right?" You laughed your ass off. And, for a moment, I thought of running up to your silver sedan to ask you out. Please don't be married. Those looking to steal my organs, need not apply. Note : I know...process the shock that someone with game like "These cabbies, right?" is still single ? Oh cruel world !!!
I saw you sitting with your friend and a bunch of kids. You were wearing glasses and a purple top. I kept glancing down from my seat and made eye contact a couple of times. I would like a chance to get to know you , since I noticed you sitting by the window before I got on the train. You were on the 6:58 Southwest Service train on August 17th and got off at Oak Lawn. Note : His attention to detail is not creepy at all, though I thought they caught old Buffalo Bill at the end of that movie.
I have seen you on the train going toward Chicago. Beautiful, petite and busty. You had two tattoos on your right shoulder, that's a turn on. You look about fifty and I am thirty-five. I'll bet you are a real cougar. I have seen you with an older man about seventy-five. I can take better care of you than he, you know what I mean. Note : He goes on to add that he is extremely handsome, a pin stripe suit wearing successful attorney. What he doesn't explain is what he means by taking care of her. Ted Bundy, your table is ready.
Walmart on Touhy 8/28/09 - I walked passed you in the electronics section when you looked at me. I smiled, giggled and walked by. Note : The rest of his plea is unworthy of reproduction. GIGGLED ? I'm sorry, was that......GIGGLED ? Even "chuckled" or "chortled" would have got a pass but GIGGLED ? Your man card please...thank you.

Gag Reflex

Watch the 2 minutes of this. I dare you to try and hold down your breakfast.

The Ice Man

2009-09-08T06:03:00.000-07:00

What does man gain from all his labor at which he toils under the sun? -- Ecclesiastes 1:3

All things are wearisome, more than one can say. The eye never has enough of seeing, nor the ear its fill of hearing. What has been will be again, what has been done will be done again; there is nothing new under the sun. Is there anything of which one can say, "Look! This is something new"? It was here already, long ago; it was here before our time. There is no remembrance of men of old, and even those who are yet to come will not be remembered by those who follow. - Ecclesiastes 1:8-11

Good perspective on balance.........

Cold Front

Pouring a cup of coffee for a co-worker. Standard, sterile three day weekend small talk ensues. Co-worker says it'd be nice to have another day off. At that moment, a corner office upper cruster trudges in. Ram rod posture, no expression. I say to co-worker jokingly, "hey, there's the guy you want to ask about that."

With unblinking dead eyes, skin that hasn't seen the sun all summer and facial expression frozen in a look of preoccupation , he responds in a tone reminiscent of Ferris Bueller's teacher...."......no.....two days was enough. Didn't need the third day. I'm ready to be back in the office.."

Mr. Crusty's "office" is a desk littered with stacks of important looking papers, walls adorned with egg shaped awards and glass plaques commemorating awards earned years ago. No family photos. Private person? Work-Life Balance? The rare exchange of small talk seems to have the effect of actual, physical pain on Crusty......Must.......Get.........Back..........To.........Desk. Crusty has boasted to some that the money spent on toys for the kids goes up as the time spent at home plummets.

Pity a man whose affirmation comes from work but is loathed at home. At what price, the trappings of a big house that is not at all a home but merely a place to lay one's head between flights.

Perseverance

2009-09-06T06:40:00.000-07:00

"...I think you're in a good situation. I still feel like you're holding down your spot. You didn't do anything to lose the position you had. Just keep going. Come out and ball against Cleveland." ---Alfred Rideau, father of Bears WR Brandon Rideau

"He likes to talk to make me feel comfortable. He makes me focus on what's ahead of me, not what's behind." - Brandon Rideau.

Every young man should hear three things from his father....1) I love you, 2) I'm proud of you and 3) You're good at ________.

Rideau was cut this weekend. marking the 5th such time (and third by the Bears). From ChicagoBears.Com, Rideau excelled in training camp, but he had what he described in his own words as “a mediocre preseason” before breaking two tackles on an 18-yard touchdown reception Thursday night against the Browns.

Check on this guy in 5-10 years and see what he's doing. Something tells me he's going to be alright.

Shell Game

2009-09-04T13:35:00.000-07:00

Todd Stroger Deborah Sims
Nepotism and County Robbery

Deborah Sims graduated from John M. Harlan High School in Chicago, IL and later went on to attend Central YMCA College, Olive Harvey College, and Harold Washington College in Chicago, IL.

I wonder if Olive Harvey College and her time as a Youth Service Coordinator in any significant way prepared her to make informed decisions on a multi-billion dollar budget.

Sims cast the necessary 4th vote to uphold County Board President Todd Stroger's tax hike in Cook County. Chicago has the highest sales tax in the country. The vote was 13-4 in favor of reversing the tax hike. In my understanding of Chicago politics, it makes perfect sense that 4 out of 13 is sufficient to carry forward the personal interests of a guy who rode the gravy train of nepotism into office after daddy Stroger died while in office.

The rationale for a veto on the attempt to roll back the tax increase ? The hospitals need the money. Stroger said this on the same day the independent Health and Hospitals System announced that next year's budget asks for $74 million LESS in county taxes. As for Deborah Sims, as far back as oh...JULY, she'd voted to reverse the tax as well.

From Chicago Sun-Times :

Until Tuesday, Sims was among the 14 commissioners -- the required four-fifths majority -- lined up to override Stroger's veto of the proposed half-penny rollback. But she jumped ship and the measure failed 13-4, sending the board and Stroger into an election season with the sales tax hike on their back.

"This is a decision I made talking to my God, whether I fall on the sword or not this is the decision I made and I will live with it," Sims said before casting her "no" vote.

Commissioner Larry Suffredin, a Democrat whose district includes the Far North Side and northern suburbs of Cook County, fired back at the meeting, saying: "What's going on here is politics, what's going on here is threats."

Sims later said she wasn't threatened to change her mind nor would she be swayed by threats.

Just a day later, all the coverage is on a couple crank phone threats made on her voicemail...

An angry caller left racist and hate-filled phone messages -- even saying "I pray to God you get AIDS and die" -- at the office of Cook County Commissioner Deborah Sims after she cast the deciding vote upholding a controversial sales tax.

The money.....she's blaming other board members for going on a radio show and raising a fuss about her vote.

Stroger ? In the wake of the vote, Stroger was asked about his chances for re-election next year. "I always think I have a great chance because I tell you the truth," Stroger said. "I do what I say I am going to do. I don't have to play politics."

That's the arrogance of a man who knew going in, that he had the necessary four votes. I say rename it "Crook County". It's clear that these people have no interest in the welfare of anyone but themselves, their paid family members and their donors.

Liar Liar, Your Money Is On Fire

2009-09-03T14:11:00.000-07:00

Now comes the mea culpa from Chris Brown for smacking Rihanna Were this a genuine expression of regret, I'd write the "all in favor of second chances" blog. However, this is not a genuine apology. but rather a transparent attempt by his camp to resurrect his wholesome image and by extension, his economic future. The clever, if unconvincing preppy attire (bowtie?) was a weak effort to turn our new understanding of Mr. Brown into the inoffensive, family friendly guy he's been marketed to be. But then his eyebrows start moving. And he opens his mouth.

You can hunt around - there are many good books and websites on the body language of a liar. You don't, however need to know which quadrant the eyes move to when the person is intending to deceive, to tell that this abuser knows exactly what he did and remembers it very well. Judge for yourself. Note when asked to recount the details, he can't make eye contact and pitches the amnesia defense.

Basically a puff piece. Cocooned between mommy and the high paid suit next to him, he fumbles on a question he had to know was coming. I'm sure old Larry told him straight away what it would be, in compliance with the "we'll give you the exclusive but in turn, you will throw your usual guest softballs". Still, I believe I have this right...he says "Umm...No. I don't...I don't...it's like, it's crazy, I mean, like wow.".

Seems the general public doesn't like the unrepentant, forgetful abuser. It probably hurt his position a little that his victim was a platinum record selling R&B sensation.

Wasting precious little time (Chris, your future's on line 1 ) his publicist hastily releases this mouthful of b.s. :

"There have been reports on the Internet that I didn't remember what happened that night with Rihanna. I want to try and set things straight. That 30 seconds of the interview they used of me was taken from a one hour interview during which that same question was asked something like 4 or 5 times -- and when you look at the entire interview you will see it is not representative of what I said. The first four times - or how ever many times it was - I gave the same answer -- which was that I didn't think it was appropriate for me to talk about what happened that night. I said it was not right for me and it really wasn't fair to Rihanna. The fifth time - or whatever it was - I just misspoke. I was asked, "Do you remember doing it?" and I said, "No." Of course I remember what happened. Several times during the interview, my mother said that I came to her right afterwards and told her everything. But it was and still is a blur. And yes, I still can't believe it happened because it is not me or who I am or is what happened like anything I have ever done before. As I have said several times previously, I am ashamed of and sorry for what happened that night and I wish I could relive that moment and change things, but I can't. I take full responsibility for my actions. What I have to do now is to prove to the world that this was an isolated incident and that is not who I am and I intend to do so by my behavior now and in the future."

Pray this guy gets real about his issues, eh.

Tipping Point

2009-09-03T07:44:00.000-07:00

Lunched with two colleagues yesterday at peak mid-day dining time. Even so, the Red Robin had only one other diner.

The cheese fries appetizer came out undercooked and underwhelming. My strawberry lemonade arrived in a glass with a chip in it right where my upper lip came to rest. I kindly asked for another glass. She removed it and delivered a fresh one without remark. The BBQ chicken wrap was right down the fairway of average.

The waitress arrived with the bill and mumbled "here you go, no rush". Her body language however suggested "I would love for you three to leave immediately so I can return to my silent misery.". She was clearly unhappy with something.

The Syd Kid and I met up with our pal Scott for the Mac-Cheese at "Buffalos". Now this waitress, she made eye contact and actually talked to us. What about ? How much she hates her job. Her service was special, only if you compare it to her Red Robin counterpart. She made the scripted visit (they typically come by after a few bites) and ask "everything good here? need another coke?", and then finish with a "still working here ? Need a box?" Instantly forgettable. I frequently like to try and crack a joke or shock them out of their rehearsed stupor. And often it's met with bewilderment. Yet some are thrilled to have a customer with a pulse and a sense of humor to break up the monotony.

Now to my point. Our family eats out too much. Too busy, too tired, so we opt for the easy fix. I've taken to Restaurant.Com to vet the rumors of big savings. Things like $25 gift cert for $4-$10.

Domo 77 in Aurora. You can get $25 cert for $10. So far so good. Now comes the rub.....

Min purchase is $35. Take the cheapest thing on the menu (excluding kid's meal). $13.75 for a vegetable dinner. Let's assume Kim and I go there and have one each (big assumption, because I don't abide the vegetable). That's $27.50. Not QUITE to the $35. So we have to order more food that we don't want, in order to recognize our ummm...already paid for savings ?
The offer excludes any specials, promotions and Saturday dining. To their credit, most of the participating restaurants also exclude Fridays. Naturally, alcohol is excluded from offer.
The offer required a minimum 18% gratuity to the pre-discounted check amount.

I've always been a good to great tipper, if you're comparing to the average schmo. Not boasting.I guess dating waitresses made me sensitive to the whole racket. I always leave an extra $5 at the Old Country Buffet for example, since the typical slob in her section leaves food all over the floor and has no problem leaving nothing at all. The service anywhere has to be very bad for me to leave anything less than 20%. But I digress.

I like the idea of choice. I like the idea that I don't have to tip 18% if I get poor service or subpar food. Those choices are removed when you opt to go restaurant.com savings. Where is the restaurant's motivation to give you a good experience when the 18% is already in the bag ? Return business ? Very few seem to give a crap about whether or not you come back. Maybe the participating restaurant grudgingly signs up to restaurant.com and builds in a safety net because they already view that customer as a tightwad ?

Says Jimmy Lambatos, owner of Baur's Ristorante in Denver, "You have to remind customers the tip is not included and we're a fine dining restaurant. I'm not sure bargain hunters appreciate that our food is worth full price. People who understand, feel weird..it doesn't always come across well. You got to ask yourself, Is it worth it?"

A local participant, Walter Payton's Roundhouse (also required 18% tip), says "We specialize in delicious and reasonably priced cuisine, including our house specialties and other customer favorites." Now, I've never enjoyed Walter's. Both food and service were nothing special. I went looking for some online consensus of the place. I'm in the minority.Most give it rave reviews. This one however....didn't.

After paying over $120 for a meal, they wanted to charge a cover for the band that was playing. Needless to say, we left after the rude bouncer told us we couldn't finish our beers there until we paid the cover charge. Oh high school drop out bouncer...way to go, you just cause that place all of our potential future business.

I do love this review.

Establishes his/her expectation that $120 should kick in some privilege. My thought - you already dished $120 for food. What was the cover, another $5 ? It's like when my dad would take me to ribs for my birthday, pay $85 for the tab and leave a $2 tip. Situational cheapskates are worse than whole hog cheapskates.
The band's gotta get paid. The restaurant doesn't advertise "pay $100 for your chow and watch the band free !"
My favorite part...undresses the bouncer by pegging him as uneducated. Did you demand proof of his graduation, or are bouncers generally regarded as the drop out sort ? I know alot of weightlifters who have good jobs and supplement their income with bouncing. I've talked to any number of degreed cab drivers. This nasty summation of the bouncer removes the diner's credibility in total and tells me much about his/her worldview.
Correction...my favorite part...He calls him a high school drop out and says "you just cause that place all of our potential future business". I particulary like the clunky present/future tense sentence structure. Graduated with high honors, no doubt. And "potential future"....umm....potential is something not yet realized...the future is not yet realized. You were so busy tryin' to sound so darn fallutin and fancy that you expose yourself as the dim bulb jerk that you are.

Choice is good. Like..you have a choice to hate your job and pollute the customer's experience, or appreciate that you've got one at all.

Music To My Years

2009-09-02T12:31:00.000-07:00

A. I'm getting old.

B. These are the end of days.

C. I am long winded.

D. All Of The Above

Turn It Up to 11

Tailgating. Barbecue in the summer air. The crunch of boots on gravel. Friend loses wedding ring. A malcontent spits at security. Unsatisfied, throws empty water bottle . Spotted. Six heavies remove him from the pit by his hair. His friend threatens me for taunting him with "Yeah man, keep resisting! You're going to defeat all SIX of them. Good riddance!"

Kim naively wanders to the pit's edge...in open toed sandals. Two toenails are still growing back.

We get to within 3 feet of Korn's lead singer. Soaked in sweat. Hard to breathe. Can't move. Throat, raw from singing. Two encores. Threw up from exhaustion. Truly an all-time great concert experience.

King Obvious for $500, Alex.
“Since the great majority of newspapers offer their content for free on the Web, readers are inclined to go there for their news and that hurts circulation,” said John Morton, a president of Morton Research Inc. in Silver Spring, Maryland. “These declines should continue at this pace until papers figure out a way to charge for their online content.”

Sounds like the way I used to fill my stomach on the Costco free samples. My comrade in gluttony Chad and I would cruise the perimeter, on the lookout for any shift change on the choads handing out the freebies, that might yield another pizza bite or slice of summer sausage. Like a commercial you can eat. I'll browse the product, but ain't no way I'm buyin', yo ! Shameful though it may be, I cut my teeth flying solo at the Mall 205 Hickory Farms when I was just a wee youth. I'd stand there and chew the food and ask a couple leading questions to show my interest (do you think I could try one more?)...maybe even take one, walk around the store and leave it near the cheese wheels.

http://www.allowe.com/Humor/audio/BudLite/Mr%20Supermarket%20Free%20Sample%20Guy.mp3 / Mr. Supermarket Free Sample Guy !

Now where was I ? Oh yes, newspapers as a source of information. I pulled that quote from an online source (Bloomberg.Com). See ? Spit and you'll hit a bankrupt newspaper. As of March '09, the Top 25 subscription paid newspapers were posting subscription decreases. New York Post down 20%. Who isn't reading the paper anymore...or better question, who is ?

A recent "On The Town" survey by the Chicago Tribune (down 7.5%) polled readers "Sit or Stand at a concert?" This is the question that inspired today's blog.

"The Sitters Have It...and how" is the headline describing the 66.5% of voters who stated they SIT at a concert. It caught my attention because I completely disagree. Granted, I go to heavy metal festivals and small club shows. Since first tasting the energy of the dense ball of humanity that is a floor (gen admission) crowd, I've been hooked on the sweat and adrenaline and closeness to the performers. Being in a seat, even 20 rows back doesn't do it for me. I strongly suspect the demographic (of existing newspaper subscribers) are not buying Slayer tickets.

Two big problems with the survey. 1st -The online version (which allows you to vote) indicates that 815 people voted.

Forgetting for a second that newspapers are notorious for lying about their circulation statistics...they lay claim to 500,000 paid readers. That rounds up to zero percent of their readers as a sample size. One more thought. Last I checked, the older generation still favored traditional media over digital. You're likely to get many "sitters" from that sample. (The same sample that gladly sits on their hands though paying $300 for the likes of Elton John, Billy Joel, and Paul McCartney Farewell Tours. Farewell, that is, until next year when they see a small country they want to finance. Capitalizing on our collective remembrance of a happier time. So Paul sings "You think people would have had enough of silly love songs", and the cash register tilts once more.)

2nd problem - the online version of the question is quite different from the printed...

Printed - "If there are a passel of seats, but the music moves you and the urge to stand hits, what should you do?"

Online - "Is it OK to stand and dance at a concert when everyone around you is sitting down?"

I guess there were 274 jackasses who'd have no problem being the lone stander, doing the white man's overbite and snapping their fingers.

Turn It Up to 12

First concert experience, saw something called "Hipsway" in the '80's at the now defunct Starry Night in Portland, Oregon. Friends Tracey, Kelsey and I waited through 40 minutes of forgettable synth filler until their hit, "The Honeythief."

From there it got bigger (Beastie Boys, Run DMC) and louder (Judas Priest, Megadeth). The last time I sat at a show was for Sarah McLachlan, an impossibly romantic artist that used to be my go to CD when feeling sorry for myself qualified as a hobby. After that, never again.

There is yet one thing more objectionable than sitting. And I read the war stories from the whiners, "I was on crutches at REM in the balcony at House of Blues and these people were in front of me"...Yeah ? Well don't go to a concert with a busted wheel ! That isn't it. Though R.E.M and crutches ? Shame On You. R.E.M. sucks !!! Though I'm sure you teared up during "Everybody Hurts."

During Rockstar Mayhem this summer, I take notice of two young women sitting down, texting. That isn't it either, though I gave them two pennies (lightly, to the temple, brushback pitch) for each one of my thoughts (Stand..and Up) They were sitting AND filming the ONE song they recognized on THEIR PHONES. And post it on YouTube. Shame on me for being preoccupied with them for even a minute.

Enjoying the show ? We pay for our seats, get the real deal in front of us (after hours of scorching heat and middling bands and $10 beer) and post our diluted, phone viewed experience onto YouTube. We don't have attention deficit. We have no attention at all. Two of my most devoted readers even cop to skimming the blog. Not that the writing you know, wasn't top notch. It's just that the material can't compete with the clutter in their heads. I know the feeling.

R.E.M. did have one thing right..."It's The End Of The World As We Know It....."...I'm still working on "feeling fine" about it.

Saab Story

2009-08-31T13:59:00.000-07:00

Got A Light ?

We bought a 2005 Saab 9-3 from CarMax in August 2008. I buy from them because I know nothing about cars. Their colorfully illustrated guarantees are considerably more appealing than going to a lot. The following is not an indictment of their practices.

Yet.

At the two month mark of the honeymoon, the ignition is turned and she tells me something's wrong :

CarMax replaced it for free. A month and a few days later, the right low beam joined old lefty in the light hereafter. CarMax replaced it for free as well -- "goodwill per service manager."

After one of these replacements, I was told that the part for this special xenon headlight is $200. .Labor to replace it runs a tidy ransom too, because the wizards at GM/Saab made the car so that the entire front bumper assembly must be removed to replace the light. Had I known any of this, I'd likely be driving a different vehicle today. The $83 synthetic oil changes and premium gas requirement are annoyances too.

The photo above was taken last week. Yahtzee, eh ? Left light is out again.

One obvious contributor..if the car is running, the lights are on....at all times. Bright sunny skies at 12pm ? They're on.... I'll have to assume the position to get this "feature" manually changed so that I can turn them on and off. If that fix follows form, they probably need to remove the engine to do that. Still, probably cheaper than having a headlight go out every six months.

Bag It And Tag It

2009-08-31T09:27:00.000-07:00

This is the funniest thing I saw all weekend.......

This is a real invention.

Get Thee To A Brewery

2009-08-31T08:21:00.000-07:00

Sporting News Aug 30th, 2009

Chiefs' Kingdom Collapses with Cassel's Fall

Hurts So Good

The 2nd annual beer bet..could it start any better ? If this were softball, the ump would be calling the slaughter rule during pre-game warmup.

Last season, friend Matt sends a now infamous e-mail, citing his predictions for how the NFL season would stack up. He lists playoff teams. One of them is the Detroit Lions. I respond back with a list of maybe 10 teams that I believe will finish better than the NFC's perennial bottom feeders. He chooses a team from that list -the Oakland Raiders. One of us proposes we place a pint of beer on the outcome. Detroit would roll on to a historic 0-16 finish and I would savor a Blue Moon on draft, each sip a conquering flavor of sweet victory.

You've gotta feel sorry for him. This year, he's all over KC. And wanted me to take the Raiders again. After telling him no, he replies :

Well then pick a TEAM that you want. Teams that are out in my mind are
Pats, Steelers, Chargers, Giants, Panthers & Colts. You want Dolphins or maybe the Niners? Or do you want me to pick another team?

I took the Dolphins....This year, he'll be flying a proper NW microbrew to my welcoming embrace....the inimitably delish, Pyramid Apricot Ale.

An online Fox Sports poll asks readers today...."Which team has the better QB?"

Chicago with Jay Cutler
Denver with Kyle Orton

Including my vote, there are 45,772 of them. Ninety-four percent of them voted Cutler. The other 6% were for Denver/Orton. That means there are 2,746 villages with an idiot in each. And one of them has a marketing job with Comcast.

Comcast commercial this morning......"it's been a great season in Chicago as both teams head down the stretch in the hunt for a playoff spot." I would love to try what Comcast is smoking. OK - they air the games and want people to tune in, and something like "tune in to see the guys from Double A play out the string" probably won't juice the viewership. Jose Contreras and Crazy Carlos Z both yielded 10+ hits in 3.1 innings in important weekend games.

Both Sox and Cubs go 11-16 in August. Both fail to win more than two consecutive games. Great season....hunting for a playoff spot ? There's a segment on 670AM The Score that goes like this..."Who You Crappin'?"...Comcast...Who You Crappin'? Zambrano quoted as saying "I pitched OK". Carlos..who you crappin ?

What's Old Is New....To Some

2009-08-28T07:03:00.000-07:00

Hey, hey, easy kids. Everybody in the car. Boat leaves in two minutes... or perhaps you don't want to see the second largest ball of twine on the face of the earth, which is only four short hours away? -- Clark W Griswold

It gnawed at me a while - that I'm seeing fewer movies that interest me. Getting older, recognizing the recycled ideas of movies I've already seen that were far superior. Realizing that I'm aging past the prime demographic. Twilight ? One such moment of clarity --the trailers for a talking turd called Johnson Family Vacation a few years ago. It appeared to be a replica of the classic National Lampoon's Vacation, The 1983 original had Christie Brinkley (Beverly D'Angelo was no slouch either), Wally World, Randy Quaid, a dead Aunt Edna strapped to the top of a station wagon and a super theme song..."holiday rooooooooooad"

The original, R.I.P John Hughes :

The new celebrity must be everything to everyone (clothing lines, record labels, fragrances, sex tapes). To wit, the star wattage of Johnson Family Vacation included two stand up comics, a teenage rapper and the little sister of the gratingly ominipresent Beyonce'Knowles. It rated 6% fresh on Rottentomatoes.com (5 fresh, 84 rotten reviews). I don't have time to read them but here are some entertaining beatdowns :

re the opening credits had ended, I was counting down the minutes until I could get back to raping old tile adhesive off my kitchen floor
A shambles like this just oozes contempt for both its performers and its audience -- something that's even more unfunny than the movie itself.
The direction on Johnson Family Vacation is numbingly slack; the synapses between the scenes don't spark effortlessly, as they should, and the whole enterprise feels dragged-down and belabored.
...Cedric the Entertainer simply cannot act.

It bombed, right ? Guess again. $12 million to make, grossed $33 million.

Now today comes Halloween 2 redux, 28 years after the first. This one has big serial killer shoes to fill. The first one was effective in scaring you by what it DIDN'T show you. Rare is the horror movie today that uses that to great effect. Not that these follow that line of reasoning, but my picks for 2009's Big, Dumb and Fun go to Drag Me To Hell, The Orphan, and A Perfect Getaway. Worst goes to The Unborn (what I saw of it before walking out).

Since seeing Jaws at 5 years old, I've been hooked on the movie theater experience. The advent of home theater has not diminished that. Neither has the overpriced, over buttered, undercooked concessions. My family, they hate a loud movie. And many of them are, because I'm a man and I like to hear that helicopter move from speaker a to speaker b. Two minutes in...."oh uhhh...can you PLEASE turn that down?." I go to a movie, by myself, sometimes in the middle of a workday. I have a row of seats to myself, no one in my face, and all the popcorn and Raisinets I can put down. I see a good many movies that I know won't be great, won't make me consider the big questions in life. I see many others that do. I like em moving, funny, violent, sad, romantic. I don't like the sweeping period pieces, the biographical or the musical. I enjoy movies that are so good because they are so bad. With the help of the folks at Classic Ogden 6, I even proposed marriage in a theater, by way of a cleverly placed digital slide placed between pre-show trivia slides.

And I don't mind paying $10 for a movie. The concessions are another story, but in fairness, they don't charge me for the movie I walk into after the first, bathed in the sweet neon anonymity of a 30 theater behemoth.

Border(s) War

2009-08-27T14:40:00.001-07:00

Today's entreaty read :

Super Coupon: Save Over $47‏

Here's how you save that money :

Buy one hardcover book that costs over $35 (save $10)
Buy one computer book (save $10)
Buy two children's books (save $5)
Buy one biography or history book (save $5)
Buy one CD over $10 (save $5)
Buy one DVD over $10 (save $5)
Buy one backpack (save $5)
Buy a bag of coffee (get a free small coke)

Now let's say (if I didn't already own it) I purchase "Team of Rivals", the biography/history book about Abe Lincoln's administration, in hardcover which happens to drop in at exactly $35..hmm...

Think they'd give me the $10 off ? $35 is $35. I'm sure they've got some way to exclude the tax portion from counting toward the purchase. Let's say for a moment they do give the $10 off. Since it's a history book, would they then allow an additional $5 (see above) ?

See below :

One Super Coupon per customer during the valid period. Cannot use more than one coupon per item

And please buy some combination of these before 8/30. Or is a combination allowed per the above statement ?

Seeking fun, I called the Naperville Borders. I explained the situation and employee says "is it exactly $35? They might allow it.". In the spirit of wasting his time with no intention of buying a book I already possess, I tell him I'm going to need a firm answer if I'm driving all the way in. After a short period on hold "yes, it's fine. Tax isn't included but we'll allow it." I then ask him if I can combine the $5 off history book coupon. "No, but if you want to buy a separate history book, you can use the $5 coupon."

I considered some other questions like "If I buy a backpack and put a bag of coffee and two children's books in it, can I forego the small coke and use the $12 overall cash equivalent toward a 2010 Hello Kitty calendar?"

Checked this option today :

No, I would prefer not to receive any emails about exclusive sales, special offers, or announcements from Borders

Just Shop and Compare -- "Star Wars Trilogy Gold Box 4 Discs"

Borders $72.99 (free shipping) - traded today at $3.14/share

Target $57.69 (+ $2 shipping) - traded today at $47.29/share

Amazon $49.99 (free shipping) - traded at $84.31/share

Walmart $48.32 (free shipping) - traded at $51.25/share

Borders --- last to catch on to online commerce, highest prices, loads of dead inventory (see "highest prices" - who do you know that pays $20 for a CD ?). Maybe it's diversity in product lines. Or we've become so damn stupid that we don't read books anymore. Borders is in a huge hurry to dump their CDs and DVDs, creating extra space for their overpriced children's section - another product that the three other entities offer at lower prices.

It reminds me of the time I visited a struggling printer. They had a lease and maintenance agreement on a photocopier out front. They pleaded to me "we don't understand. There are more copies made each month, our volume is great, and we're losing money." Their copies were free up to 2,000 copies. Beyond that, the repair contract called for us to charge them 2.5 cents a copy. They'd made 12,000 copies that month.

They were charging their customers 1 cent a copy. Dop !

They were married former schoolteachers just learning their way. The business folded. I predict that in the not so distant future....so will Borders.

Larry The King

2009-08-27T10:56:00.000-07:00

Old Man Jokes :

In the wake of Michael Jackson's death, death rumors on the Internet have surfaced for celebrities such as Britney Spears, Miley Cyrus, and Jeff Goldblum. And yesterday there was an Internet rumor that Larry King was still alive

Historians will digitally scan the Dead Sea Scrolls to put on the Internet. And to avoid a writer's strike, they'll set up a residual deal with Larry King.

A woman accused of hiding a decaying corpse on her toilet so she could continue collecting her Social Security was convicted of a misdemeanor, a prosecutor said Monday. Authorities say they will now turn their attention to another possible case of a corpse being used to collect Social Security when Wednesday they question the wife of Larry King.

Speaking of Mrs. King - nice work Larry.

USA Today used to run a Larry King column. He'd muse about things that interested him, or just write things like "I like the Dodgers chances this year." I guess with longevity, you get a pass for being a hack. Recently read an interview where the famously known atheist mentions among other things :

He misremembers how many times he's been married (8 times, 7 women).
Grudgingly admires the cajones of people like Bernie Madoff (who took him for $1 million in the Ponzi scheme)
He was caught lying about personally knowing Sandy Koufax.
Doesn't prepare questions for his guests. Thirty minutes before going on the air, he doesn't even know who the guest is (it shows, Larry)

Watch Larry gets woodshedded by Jerry Seinfeld

:

BIG IDEAS

Former Bear QB Kyle Orton, in response to a question about who will have more TDs this year, he or Jay Cutler, says "I don't care. I don't think touchdown passes necessarily equal wins" True Kyle, but it DOES help a little (apologies to Trent Dilfer).
I'd prefer if the airlines would bake the $15 bag fee into the price of my airline ticket. My idea of vacation doesn't start with swiping my credit card for wanting to have clothes and toiletries for my travels. Well what if it's more than one bag ? Note how many bags you'll be bringing. Lie about it ? Get tazed.
McDonald's "Chicken Selects". Nasty. Did any of the chickens select the option marked "grind me up into playdough textured, gravel encrusted breading"? Hurried through a six pack, while surrounded by a motley crew of customers looking every bit the featured mutants of "The Hills Have Eyes", set to "Love Will Lead You Back" by Taylor Dayne. If I ever come back, it will be love that led me, not the chicken selects. They advertise them as "premium chicken breast strips", likely because their flavor equivalent, "Zeekie's Litter Box Basket" didn't test as well.

Kids. I ask Sydney very seriously, what do you want to do when you get older ? Her answer "Get a present."
Don't ever eat one of Subway's "Pizza in 90 seconds". It tastes every bit of 30 seconds.

Quarterback On Clearance

2009-08-27T07:58:00.000-07:00

Times change.

Rex Grossman no longer stinks up the building on Lake Shore.

The Sun Times muckraker Jay Mariotti pissed off every athlete and coach in the area before "quitting" to go revolutionize sports talk on the internet........echo....echo.....I no longer see his groaner headlines when Rex was rehabbing "Rexual Healing", throwing interceptions "Train Rex" or "Gross, Man" and jumping on his bandwagon "Rex The Wonder QB".

One of his highlights here as described by that giant of online journalism, Wikipedia :

Controversy
At Soxfest in early 2004, Chicago White Sox broadcaster "the Hawk" Ken Harrelson called Marriotti "the biggest sports fraud", adding that he had never seen him in the White Sox club house.[4] Trading barbs through the media, the two were eventually involved in a physical altercation in July 2004 at the Metrodome. Afterward on his radio show, Marriotti threatened to "pinch Hawk's beak off".[

I was cruising the clearance aisle at JC Penney this week (as is my compulsion) and found a Rex replica jersey. It was marked down to $40 from $80. HUH ? You can find those on E-Bay for $9.99 and they get nary a page view or sniff.

At last check, Grossman is listed 3rd in the vaunted Houston Texans QB carousel behind Dan Orlovsky, the former Detroit Lion perhaps best known for this cerebral piece of work :

Dan Orlovsky Safety "Dumbest QB Ever!!" Lions vs. Vikings
by ilthf

http://ballhype.com/video/dan_orlovsky_safety_dumbest_qb_ever_lions_vs_vikings/

At least the guy's 6'5", 230 lbs. Rex liked to take chances behind a line he couldn't see over. Rex is listed at 6'1". I have a feeling that's a minor fabrication. Reminds me of a time I waited outside Portland's Memorial Coliseum after a WWF show and the 6'7" Hulk Hogan walked by me, eye level.

I remember the faker hoopla when no one wanted to pick up Rex. "He guided the Bears to the Super Bowl !", said some. Those people forgot his 11 for 26 contribution to the 39-14 conference championship win vs. New Orleans and his uh..performance in the big game.

During their 13-3 season, the only one in which Grossman played every game, he threw 23 TDs and 20 INT. I suppose for Chicago's standards, that's Marino-esque. Except Marino never went 148 QB rating vs. DET, then 1.3 and 0.0 vs. MIN and GB respectively. Who can forget his brazen admission that he wasn't ready to play GB, becoming the first guy since 1984 (Richard Todd) to have 3INT and 2 completed passes. Completely pissed down his leg on national television.

Stat don't lie, yo.

http://sports.yahoo.com/nfl/players/6358/gamelog;_ylt=At2Z.RSa1H8mOOspX5pznmf.uLYF?year=2006

Here's what qualifies as close to the last word on his career :

Rex Grossman out for a month
Posted by Gregg Rosenthal on August 16, 2009 7:02 PM ET
Rex Grossman's first appearance with the Texans made his former teammate Kyle Orton's debut with Denver look fun by comparison.Now trying to revive his career as a reserve in Houston, the quarterback formerly known as Sexy Rexy lasted five plays. He threw a long incompletion, fumbled a snap, handed off three times, and then left the game with a hamstring injury.Now he's scheduled to think about his dreadful performance for the next four-to-five weeks as he recovers from the injury.Texans coach Gary Kubiak says the team will look for another quarterback in the meantime, but the relatively short recovery period should keep Grossman's spot on the team secure. We think.

Close the book on another 5 cent head, little guy drafted by the Bears out of a major college program with hype exceeding ability.

Funny article from the Super Bowl, arguing that Rex should have received Co-MVP of the game.

http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/playoffs06/columns/story?columnist=smith_michael&id=2754613

Good luck selling your gear, JC Penney.

Sports Opera

2009-08-27T06:23:00.000-07:00

I was reminded this morning why I no longer regularly tune in to sports radio :

Timeline

7:42 -- turn radio on. Mike & Mike on ESPN (no little Mike today) discussing Michael Vick's upcoming preseason start. A brief mention of how he won't be in game shape. Initiate discussion of the NAACP's plan to march in support of Vick and the host's opinion that an organization like that should devote their time to more worthwhile causes (since he's already had his right to work restored). This line of discussion drones on while they do reader e-mail until 7:48.

7:48 - 7:53 -- commercials for banks, motor oil products, erectile dysfunction and free credit report.com.

7:54 - 7:57 -- more pre-season talk, play given to the nice things Jay Cutler is now saying about the man he feuded with to get out of Denver because the coach tried to bring in another quarterback without telling him. The hosts express shock that a mere two months later, Cutler is praising the guy. The segment wraps with the conclusion that he's just playing nice since the game's coming up, he can expected to be booed by Denver fans and that he ultimately got what he wanted by getting out of there.

7:58 -- more commercials. The DUI commercials are getting more brazen and entertaining, as they've hired one of those monster truck rally voiceover guys to implore "DRU DRU DRUNK !!! GET DRUNK AND DRIVE AND P-P-P-PAY THE PRICE.......YEAHHHHHHH". Sound of cash registers in Naperville/Aurora not heard here.

8:00am -- a Chicago Sportscenter update. They give the local baseball scores with brief recap and play the Milton Bradley "Everyone hates me at Wrigley Field" quote and "all they prove by continuing to boo is that they are idiots"...that a way Milton. That approach worked out well for LaTroy Hawkins. Both of you offered racism as a reason you are hated in Chicago. Derrek Lee's never mentioned that. Oh yes. Well Derrek doesn't stink and doesn't flap his mouth. That's why Chicago hates you, Milton.

8:02 - 8:09 -- segment focuses solely on the revelation that not everyone in the locker room likes old #4 in Minny-sota. Unnamed players support Tavaris Jackson, others Sage Rosenfels. I agree. If I supported either one of those chumps, I'd stay nameless too. And if you're a prima donna wideout doing that, well, way to play the "I might get the ball a bunch from Brett so I'll just stab him in the back without being named for now."

No statistics shared, no mention of the wild card races, none of the stuff that would make me want to listen. I guess traditional sports have officially gone the way of pro wrestling with their long story arcs and little action. I'm sure after I got out of the car, next up was the audio feed of Rick Pitino's gold digger, and his subsequent press conference denouncing it.

There was one bit on the way home last night that made me laugh.. They were taking reader suggestions for Chicago related movie titles and one was "Kill Bill : The Story Of the Chicago Blackhawks resurrection."

I Know You Didn't Ask - I'm Going To Tell You Anyway, Because I Have A Blog Damnit, And That Gives Me A License To Undress Your Veiled Shortcomings

2009-08-26T12:20:00.000-07:00

Have you ever wondered about the person who seeks the written wisdom of an advice columnist for guidance ? I have. Have they no other yentas (A word I first heard, loved and took from my friend at williamt.com) they can discuss these pressing affairs with? Do they already know that the subject of their anguish is so infinitely inane that no one but a total stranger would want to listen to it.

Uhh...hey total stranger, I need your help and because your photo's in a failing newspaper, I trust you completely.

Unemployment, Health Care, Military Spending, Cubs on list for heart transplant, the cost of beer about to go up....take your pick...Cucumbers and learning to share ?

This from today's Tribune :

Dear Amy:

This year my cucumber plants produced more cukes than I could eat myself, so I brought some to work to share. My e-mail to the group said "help yourself." There were enough cucumbers for everyone if each person took only one. However, some people took more than one -- one person took four; another took three.

I was surprised because it seemed obvious to me that a person shouldn't take that many. I'd like to be able to do this again, but I already feel bad that some people didn't get any cucumbers. Should I ask around and see if I can bring more for those who were deprived? Should I specify in the future that people should take only one cucumber until everyone has had a chance to take one? This has taken some of the fun out of sharing with people, and I'd appreciate your guidance.

The writer signs the letter "Confused Co-Worker", no doubt to shield their true identity, should one of about twelve remaining avid advice column readers happen to be one of the "cuke" horders.

Dissecting the letter.... "Confused" normally, under regular harvest volumes, has no inclination whatsoever to part with his/her portion for a co-worker's benefit. It's only when there's a surplus that sharing takes on altruistic importance. Second, he/she failed to specify that there were conditions embedded in "help yourself". Third, it must have come to the gardener's attention that someone got left out of the bounty (see the birthday cake scene with Milton in Office Space, please). Or worse, "Confused" walked around to count who took what....."one person took four". Well Confused, you didn't mention taking action, but I can only hope you punched that greedy S.O.B. right in their veggie lusting cake hole.

Seriously though, you're tracking your generosity ? I used to know a guy who'd eat lunch with me and suddenly say something like "hey why don't you pick this up. You still owe me 78 cents from that Pepsi I bought you at Maui Taco four years ago."

A cucumber runs about 99 cents. If you feel that terrible about those who were "deprived" of your green thumbed genius, go forth to the grocery and pluck some fine ones for the have-nots. And then just shut up.. And stop writing people about your petty problems. At least you've got a job...and a garden. Too bad the snooty Whole Foods doesn't sell Organic Common Sense, or Free Range Wisdom.

Now "Confused", the next time you end up with a couple extra ears of corn, or perhaps some acorn squash, keep it to yourself because after all, your cube mates are clearly a bunch of classless, ill mannered ingrates.

Now good day, you. I must be going, (no joke), a co-worker delivered a jar of homemade hot salsa to me today and I'm dead certain I'm going to be asked at 8am tomorrow how it tasted.

Mail Bag

2009-08-26T07:33:00.001-07:00

Part 1

This week in spam :

Dating 101: Are Bad Dating Habits Keeping You Single?‏
Are you a mother and going back to school? Check out your scholarship options.
Hay! Women's and Men's Western Boots 25 Percent Off!‏
Cheap health coverage for the self employed‏
En1arge Y0urManhood At No C0st‏

In summary, this is who I really am........

I am a self employed single mother with bad judgment and a small penis, looking to further my education.

Bullseye, marketers !

Part 2

I am sending you this FREE WINNER so you can win again..‏

LISTEN AND LISTEN CLOSELYI am giving you this FREE INFORMATION on tonight's Preseason Game as a gift! Take the over 38 points on Lions/Browns tonight.

Whether you bet it big, small or not at all...that's up to you.....But the INFORMATION I have on this game is Huge and Legitimate...I know you get alot of emails...I am aware you may have dealt with your share of services...But going into this football season you should be looking for someone like me that can actually win....Someone that is PROVEN !I am the #1 Most Respected Guy in Vegas!Some of you have seen me in person...Some of you have followed my emails...Some of you are getting this the first time..Whatever the case may be...Just know I am here for you best interest...And want to make you as much as I can..And I have the tools and sources to do it...Remember, Talk is cheapin the sports information business...so that is why I want to reach out again to all serious players and fill your pockets with some cash!Like I always say to everyone..I really don't care what you bet on my games But don't waste what I am about to give you again tonight from the Vegas Strip.Tonight's in the Preseason Take Detroit / Cleveland over 38 It's a Gift from me to you...You probably won't even need 4 quarters to get the cash on this game...It will be a convincing winner....AND WHEN IT WINS Either call me direct at 1-800-471-8898 to discuss what I can do for you...OR Check me out online for a discounted package(MY DISCOUNTS WILL END THIS MONDAY)http://www.thegamblersreport.com/al-merritt.asp

Al Merritt # 1 Vegas Insider

FINAL SCORE
Cleveland 27, Detroit 10 -- 37 points.

Well, Al.....I give you a yellow smiley face for the Dr. Seuss like start to your promise. And the ALL CAPS on the important stuff is a nice, original touch.

"It will be a convincing winner".....

Al, I still need some convincing that 37 is greater than 38. I imagine this "free gift" was something akin to walking in on an unflushed turd, for the poor, pitiable addict who's wagering on player tryouts disguised as preaseason games...and featuring the Detroit Lions.

Save The Planet Update

2009-08-25T14:38:00.000-07:00

In our upstairs bathroom, a silent killer hangs, waiting for opportunity. It does not hold water. It drips, leaving large pools of H2O on the tile. It forces us to put down bath towels and do more laundry. I received a sound whipping after questioning the wisdom of spending $33 to save the world....because that's what this unassuming piece of cloth is going to do. Buy one ! I just got the greatest idea to e-mail this company and blog the resulting response. I want to see their response to my issue with the following claim :

The cotton shower curtain resists mildew and mold by drying quickly and not trapping moisture against the inside of the tub like plastic liners do. After showering simply spread the curtain out so air can dry it, try not to leave it gathered at one end of the tub.

So the teasing started after I stepped from the bath and almost took a header a few weeks ago. It was written off as Rob being dramatic again. Her point of reference there is the first time I went snowboarding and bounced my brain off the slope all day and reported to my mother that I thought I had a concussion...to which Kim chastised me "Oh c'mon, you just got your bell rung !"

My refrain became "Save the World, Kill the Husband".

Kim was giving a bath to Sydney last night and was positioned on her knees, with her hands busy washing Syd's hair. Both knees slipped and she spilled forward headfirst into the tub.

Her comment "I already know what you're going to say when I tell you this."

What should I have said ? That we should update our wills because we have inanimate objects in our abode, trying to kill us ?

Won't You Please Be My (Bad) Neighbor ?

2009-08-25T08:08:00.000-07:00

I recently read where some landlord is litigating an old tenant for blasting them in Twitterworld...as was their due, by putting the screws to their former renter, said renter's followers went up from something like 8 to 800. Even so I'll leave the parties nameless here.

The Triols were notified via strongly worded form letter about an apparent violation of our townhome agreement. The actual agreement exceeds the cumulative length of Moby Dick and War and Peace combined, so no, I haven't read it.

The offending item ? A small plastic toy kitchen. The warning stated that it was being "stored" on our porch. And I'd better write back to them pronto and remove the eyesore from the premises or I might be fined or frowny faced at or some crap.

The once quiet little place on the edge of "good Aurora" has been infiltrated by evildoers, starting with some hoodlum (a bow to my Grandmother's favorite word) removing the "O"from the sign identifying our area as "Country Homes" and later the M and S from Homes. The association has tried removing the wooden letters in favor of paint, but the crotch/hooker loving vandals won't cease.

At the mouth of our property resides a revolving door of drug dealing teens. Always a different dilapidated heap parked outside. The soft pink glow of a boa constrictor's heat lamp ever present. A small cross where an animal named "Cosmo" was buried. You'd think it was a county courthouse, as much as the Aurora P.D. are there with their meddling questions and curiosity.

A few years ago, a new family moved into the neighborhood. A few days later, a UPS package left on the porch was tampered with. Oddly, the only items removed from the care package were photographs....creeeeeepy. Then one day, Kim comes home to find the garage door open and the teenage son of new family "putting a picture back up on the wall that fell". We visited the parents that evening and since, all packages have arrived intact. I'm sure it was just a........coincidence. The local blue and whites have been to his place numerous times as well, one time running in that direction on foot. Finally, last week another new neighbor got an escort home by the flashing lights. Presumption is shoplifting.

Last week, I heard some commotion and looked out the front window to see some thug juniors crossing our lawn. I couldn't even start my Chris Webber throat cutting signal before the guy raises up and gives me a "You wanna go?" tilt of the head. I walk over to the side of the house and spot him again before he repeats the gesture, then turns and runs. Cars are going in the garage from now on.....

While the 'hood descends into anarchy, at least the townhome association, always prompt when cashing my $195 check every month (for what services I haven't yet discerned) can rest easy that the Toy Kitchen incident has been peacefully resolved.

The Devil's Mailman

2009-08-25T06:46:00.001-07:00

Wouldn't it be easier for Borders to tell me what I CAN purchase with this coupon ? Read below..
Valid with Borders Rewards membership only. Certain exclusions apply. Coupon cannot be combined with any other offer, including but not limited to “buy one, get one 50% off” offers. Excludes previous purchases, special orders, gift cards, newspapers, magazines, comics, coupon books, eBooks, digital downloads, vinyl LPs, self-publishing programs, Smartbox products, Rosetta Stone® software, shipping, and all electronics, including but not limited to the Sony® Reader and the Zune™. May not be combined with other coupons, sale pricing, or corporate, classroom, or other group discounts. Original coupon must be relinquished at time of purchase. Single-use coupon. One coupon per customer during the valid period. Void if copied, transferred, and where prohibited by law. Any other use constitutes fraud. Cash value .01¢. Not redeemable for cash. Valid in U.S. stores and at Borders.com through 8/26/09 midnight ET.

By my count, there are 22 exclusions to the offer. And I counted "all electronics" as only one exclusion. This is really confusing...because the coupon states it is "exclusive". Perhaps they got the root meaning wrong. Because, other than a single full priced book (already marked up to reflect your 25% savings), I can't think of a thing they haven't covered in their disclaimer.

I also like the bum's rush they put on you to spend it in 48 hours from the date they spam it to you. Silly Borders. By this point I know I will have another one of these by tomorrow tucked into my hotmail stocking.

So I can't save money on the only three things I buy from them...

Buy One Get One 50% off
Metal Hammer magazine and either Rides or Slam for my friends in Cook County Jail.
Vinyl LPs...........because THIS IS 1977. Was that someone's idea of a joke ? Where's their protection against someone wanting to use this offer to purchase Leo Sayer's Greatest Hits on 8-Track ?

Pig Out

2009-08-24T19:14:00.001-07:00

“Advertising: the science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it.” -- Stephen Leacock (Canadian humorist 1869-1944)

I challenge you to tell the difference !

First up.....the item that is currently struggling to find its way to my small intestine (despite appearances, this is what the Baconator looked like prior to consumption):

Now...the promotional photo that appears on their menu :

No difference whatsoever.

Except maybe the crushed to nothing bun, grayish paper thin "meat", nonexistent cheese and bacon the consistency of a lotioned fruit rollup. It's really time to rethink the "finish what's on your plate" philosophy. That saying used to apply to having a plate, where the object upon it actually RESEMBLED food. This abomination was essentially a gut plugging, 800 calorie buffalo chip. I thought it disgusting enough to photograph, but not repulsive enough to turn away ?

I need to make and sustain some thoughtful food choices. I am not the teenage latch key kid anymore who was served fast food 4-5 times a week. I am not the 20 something that played in basketball leagues and ran and played tennis. My physical activity level is at an all time low. My achilles and bad knee have more or less negated my three favorite ways to exercise (not including "my jaw"). Eat better, eat less....... Right after I have the chil queso appetizer and boneless meal witth cagun wedges at Buffalo Wild Wings tomorrow.

Movie Review

2009-08-24T08:48:00.000-07:00

G.I. Joe - The Rise of Cobra - 1/2 out of 5 stars

And don't get me started on the acting. It's not like we have Academy Award-winning actors here, but some of the performances are unquestionably cringe-inducing, especially from Tatum, who is more lifeless than the plastic toy he is attempting to portray..So, now you know, “G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra” is about as uncomfortable to sit through as running in a marathon with a bad case of the trots -- some guy from a little Wisconsin newspaper, adequately summing up my feelings.

I understood going in that I'm about 25 years removed from the target age that the marketers care about. I didn't hate it through that filter.

Saw it in Arizona with best buddy Tom. My options were Funny People or GI Joe. To that point, the makers of Funny People seemed to be bucking the trend of putting actual funny parts in the trailer. I saw variations on the same trailer. My unamused response was unvaried. So Joe seemed the better choice. As we stood in line, Tom mused "oh man, I just have a feeling that this is going to be really bad." To paraphrase Adam Sandler in the Wedding Singer.. "something that could have been brought to my attention YESTERDAY !"

Doing the math....movie's made $120 million so far. Taking out variance for matinee prices, at least 12,023,500 people have lost two hours of their lives bearing witness to the equivalent of hot garbage sliding down a wall.

Why I hated it.....opening scene, there are no white or black hats, figuratively speaking. People pop in without introduction to join this huge firefight for a briefcase. Instantly forgettable dialogue peppered with HUGE groaners from Marlon Wayans, fresh from his Oscar turns in Scary Movie 1,2,3,4 and 5, White Chicks and Little Man. He hams it up as a super soldier named "Ripchord", yelling 'MOUNT UP' and participating in hysterical exchanges like this :

Duke: [after crashing into cars while running in the accelerator suits] Okay, that was crazy... What happened to you?
Ripcord: I went through the train. What happened to you?
Duke: I jumped over it.
Ripcord: [pause] You can do that?
Duke: I told you to read that manual.
Ripcord: There's a manual?

And a decent percentage of those in attendance were actually laughing.

There was a scene that I alone laughed it. Maybe 200 people in the theater. Only me. About halfway through, the director gives a long scene to the mad scientist, showing how the Vipers (read : bad guys) are being injected with Nanomites (I told you not to ask). The nanomites allow them to feel no pain, no morality....nothing. They are just killing machines. They demonstrate this by having one guy insert his forearm into a plexiglass box occupied by a laughably bad CGI cobra snake. Of course, it bites him and he doesn't flinch or blink.

A short time later, the Vipers are fully armored and in battle vs. the Joes. As they are shot, punched, and generally disposed of, each of them HOWLS IN PAIN as they bounce off walls. Uh wha wha wha WHAT !?!?!

The half star is for the appearance of a brunette Sienna Miller, despite her equally awful dialogue. Transformers 2 gets one full star out of 5, though Megan Fox is a good deal sexier than Sienna.

I've been watching Dennis Quaid on and off for 20+ years. I thought it started with Innerspace, until IMDB reminded me that he appeared in Jaws 3-D. That film was memorable to me for two things. 1) The shark explodes at the end and all the teeth and guts come flying at you. 2) I failed to summon the guts to put my arm around Monica Moretti. The credits rolled and it was time to wait for my mom to come pick us up.

Back to Quaid. He's been coasting on the gruff and grizzled act for too long. Looking back over his ledger, I've enjoyed some of the movies he's "starred" in, though I can't remember a single thing about his acting. The exceptions that I remember both tap the father/son heart strings.....Frequency and The Rookie.

Dennis should cash his check for GI Joe with a bag over his head, and not merely for that beret he's wearing. He at least had the good sense to get his ass kicked by the baddies and disappear from view for a good portion of the movie.

Not all was lost. A movie this bad ? It was fun to eat pizza afterward (real pepperoni!) with friends Tom and Lori and recap all the awful sequences.

If you want to see dumb action that is equally unrealistic but far more fun, go check out the most recent Fast & The Furious.

Randomizer

2009-08-14T11:54:00.001-07:00

Listening to "The Blend" on XM Radio at work today. Spun left faster than Barry Sanders to turn off one of my all-time hated songs, Melissa Etheridge's "Come To My Window". I went blind as I was changing the channel. Hair Nation, Ratt's "Wanted Man". Sigh - that's better. Oh no ! Song ends and Poison's "Your Mama Don't Dance" starts in. I'm back in hell !!!! Upon arrival, and name fitting, I'm sure I'll hear Simply Red's "If You Don't Know Me By Now". Just awful. That's the kind of assault you hear in elevators, dentist chairs - places you can't escape.

Absurd Tribune headline of the day that confirms my old age, printed without irony-- "BLINK-182 IS BACK--FINALLY!"

We are a lazy society. Exhibit A : We've resorted to the typing of "K" instead of "OK".

The gambling websites will never go away. Today's junk mail reveals "5th preseason lock of the week". At the very bottom, I never gambled on preseason football. Someone must have an even deeper low than me. And it's from "Free Football Newsletter". Just a hunch -- there's nothing free about it. Preseason......gambling on guys who were checking your oil and driving UPS trucks only a week ago.

Here's another gambling spam from "Casino Island" - A cocktail of bonuses - 150% - 175% - 225% + $750 extra‏. How dare they mix alcohol ideology with gambling ! I am both repulsed and enticed. 225%.....maybe ol' Bernie Madoff's running a book from the federal pokey.

Further proof that the spammers really know a target audience -- I received a REMINDER that The Wiggles are performing this weekend at the Rosemont. While we're talking gambling terms, make it a trifecta of spam with the sale notices on duckets for Barry Manilow and Kelly Clarkson. Now since I have money only for one show, I need to figure out which one to save for. Maybe the Wiggles will perform covers of Clarkson and Manilow tunes. TWOOOOOOO SHIPS THAT PASS IN THE NIGHT !

Follow the bouncing ball - Do you know who Courtney Kardashian is ? Apparently, you should.

E! News Daily devoted a good amount of time to airing the "breaking news" of her pregnancy (she's 5 months along). Courtney is a celebrity because she's on a reality show, made possible by her sister because her sister was "caught" on a "leaked" sex tape. Made possible because being Paris Hilton's best friend wasn't enough to elevate her above "club status". So now in the present, we know them all. Courtney and Chloe even got their own spin-off show. At least Reggie Bush picked the right sister. Did you follow all that ? Neither did I. Oh and the sex tape was made with a low level rapper/singer named Ray J, who also got his own show, picking up Flavor Flav's Ho scraps.

Given that Sarah Palin was painfully unqualified to hold a government office, at least (as my friend over on Williamt.com regularly observes)....she's hot. So poor choices aside, at least Kim Kardashian is as hot as she is talentless. Perhaps I'm wrong. She was on Dancing with the Stars...where she finished 7th behind such luminaries as obese former football clown Warren Sapp, once quiet and then not very quiet People magazine "I'm Gay" cover boy Lance N'Sync Bass, 100 yr old Susan Lucci (who never wins anything) and 200 year old Crypt Keeper Cloris Leachman. Those are just the people I actually recognize.

There is one redeeming feature of the Kardashians show. Patriarch Bruce Jenner and his poster boy face that nonverbally warns of the perils of plastic surgery with his visage a combination of surprised expression and burn victim.

You Make The Call

2009-08-14T11:22:00.000-07:00

As a boy, I used to love the "IBM presents : You Make The Call" during NFL games.

Then I grew up. Now I take a quiz at work to ensure global compliance with sexual harassment rules. It's titled "You Be The Judge". A sampling of some of my favorite questions, answered Yes, No, or It Depends :

A female worker is subject to lengthy stares by her male co-workers when she doesn't wear a bra under her uniform. Is this sexual harassment ? Comment : No bra ? What company is this ? Based upon the winter headlights that are left on by one of my current co-workers, I would insist that it is ME who is the offended party ! I want to meet the person that wrote this question. To quote the great Michael Scott of Dunder Mifflin Paper Company to Pam Beasley "take the top button down, let em breathe a little huh". My TV Crush.......below.

An employee puts a picture of a naked person ("person" -- how very PC) in their tool box or locker. Another employee sees it and complains. The supervisor says it's unfortunate but there is nothing he can do since it is int he employee's locker and personal toolbox. True or False ? Comment : I once heard an employee, while waiting impatiently for the copier to start "this takes longer to warm up than my wife" and another, a geriatric ex-Marine (I mention this, because he always does) say on a conference call in response to a happy birthday wish "You're only as old as the women you feel." Offensive as this might be to some, I found working for other companies far moreso -- the way they perform a lobotomy on your personality at the door, so as not to ever say anything remotely complimentary to another employee for fear of lawsuits.

Things That Will Never Change

2009-08-04T07:54:00.000-07:00

Further proof that I live in a despicable, money grubbing, forever corrupt state. A condition, which despite several high level incarcerations (Former Gov. George Ryan), shows no sign of change.

Cicero, Illinois -- the town where Al Capone set up shop to escape the reach of the Chicago police.

Fomer Cicero Town President Betty Loren-Maltese sits in federal prison after misplacing $12 million of the town's money. Her credentials for becoming TP were limited to being married to Frank Maltese. He'd pled guilty in 1990 of mob related gambling charges and in '93, appointed her to the role after the then-Town President died. The heir apparent was Frank and since he was facing time in the pokey, she got the gig. Only in Illinois.........

Enter Larry Dominick, current Cicero Town President (re-elected Feb 2009). In 2005, he campaigned to change the town's history of nepotism. Here's Larry.......working hard ?

The Chicago Tribune reveals that on the town board (members are paid and given full health coverage) are :

Lillian Dominick - Larry's mama. She serves on the Animal Welfare Board.
Brian Dominick - Larry's little boy, no doubt qualified, is on the Housing and Real Estate Board.
Wayne Wente - Larry's nephew, also serves on HARE board.
Carol Bernhard - Larry's first wife, Cultural Affairs/Historic Sites Commission.
Ryan Chlada - Son-in-law of Larry's first wife, on the Youth Commission and Director of Special Events.
Cindy Dembrowski - Larry's sister. Deputy Liquor Commissioner.

What ARE these boards ? What do they do ? Who has profited, aside from those lucky enough to be related to Larry Dominick ?. Before Dominick, three of the boards didn't exist at all. This is all coming out because he gave his brother one of these "jobs" and some years later fired him through an intermediary after bro started asking too many questions.

I looked up the minutes from their May 2009 meeting. The list of people with important sounding titles is STAGGERING. Also noticed a Nicole Chlada (same last name as Ryan, above) as Director of the Mental Health board. There are 8 people on the Graffiti Task Force.

Spokesman Elie Montenegro responded to the investigation with this gem "Why not family members ? They can contribute to boards just like anybody else."

My nomination for best committee name -- "Vacant Building Appeals Committee"

My nomination for best title : Mike Iniquez, Director of Rat Control. His office number is cute because the last four digits spell 'RATS'. I called to suggest that he would catch many pesky rodents if he'd plant a trap on the seat of every board member in the city. Alas, he was ummm...unavailable to take my call, deadpanned his receptionist.

Seem too funny to be true ? Here's the link. http://www.thetownofcicero.com/departments/default.asp?typeID=2645

The Office

2009-07-30T08:41:00.000-07:00

Things I don't like :

Anything related to Twitter. I don't have an account. Everyone knows I can't express myself in less than 140 characters. And even if I could, who gives a crap what I'm doing RIGHT NOW !

The e-mail just received from an IT employee stating "I am currently looking into this and will get back to you soon". Now what does this say ? Why is he placing the word "currently" there? Doesn't "I am looking into this" imply that he is currently doing this ? "I Am" is a present tense statement. Conclusion : The word "currently" is fluff placed to reassure the recipient. He has no intention of looking into this for several weeks. Either that or he's writing from a script of possible responses that he's been trained to give.

Text messaging -- it's dangerous and disrespectful. I suppress the desire to inhabit the persona of Terry Tate : Office Linebacker and give a flying clothesline to people zombie walking through the mall while texting and stepping absentmindedly into my path. It's disrespectful because people don't make eye contact anymore. "yes, what you have to say to me is important, but not quite as important as the person who just hijacked our conversation with a text". You see, because we can't miss a single thing.

Parrot Heads. There is a Jimmy Buffet themed casino on Las Vegas Boulevard. There is/was a Cheeseburger in Paradise restaurant somewhere. Is it as simple as putting on a hawaiian shirt and doing a white man overbite to feel something special ? I don't get this phenomenon.

Six days ago. Slipping. Grrr... OK I'm back.

The average worker's sworn enemy, the IT department, told us in advance via cryptic global e-mail that a new firewall would take hold in July. There appear to be major soft spots in its defense, because this site is still occasionally accessible, usually in the morning. The IT police must be sleeping off the latest all-nighter of Warcraft and are late to the controls. "Now that's a good boy, isn't it?". If you don't know what that means, get to southparkstudios.com and watch the Warcraft episode.

It's been a busy week, overloaded in meaningless reporting and setting goals for 2009. What with the year half over, probably important to lock those in. Last year, we were given no goals at all and I still achieved only 82%..........of goals that didn't exist until they were made up (on the authority of leadership) at the time of self-assessment. Were it not clear that the business was going to ding everyone at least 10%, I'd think myself the dumbest cube slug this side of the Arkansas state line. To recap :

My department saved the company over 1 million dollars in a down economy, collecting down bills that were over six months delinquent and reserved for a full write-off. All of the industry (collections) key metrics were more successful than the top 99% of all departments. We were the only department to approach anything resembling success in 2008.My department consists of myself and one exceedingly attention starved analyst.

I was given an A or B on all of the objectives that I created at the time of my review. I was told, we don't want to give you all A's --- that would look bad. My review took two hours because the person administering the review frequently talked about his own review instead of mine. Not to mention sports and movie references, and the occasional objectification of female pop stars.

So I grudgingly accepted my 91%, understanding that a boss will look like a pushover who set unrealistically easy goals (or in this case, none at all) should I get 100%.

An extra 10% was deducted because the then-VP didn't want to submit high scores to his boss.

Half of a potential bonus is tied to operational goals. Since our goal was not merely to remain in the market, but to make money, I received nothing from this. We rely on sales people who give their children names with an X in it, others who are having out in the open extramarital affairs and drinking on company time and wrecking their cars and walk-in hungover with hair still wet from the shower they hastily took to get here thirty minutes late.

I'm thrilled just to pull a paycheck. In a life gone by, I once had 20 unreliable direct reports. Today I have one hyper reliable one. She just requested an extra 15 minutes to get her toes done for a wedding this weekend (then adds "remember, the one who was best friends with my husband whose other wife died"). She then adds that she really needs it because her toes are very ugly and she should call Guiness because her big toes are enormous. This information is apparently essential. Or she's meeting the quota of the 40,000 words per day that women are allegedly using to communicate. One thing on that. More statistics. Do they count sentences into that 40K total when the words are reruns of sentences just uttered moments ago. Just last night, I heard "I took stuff out to make sloppy joes for tomorrow" FOUR separate times.

The office is a big, fun petri-dish of human behavior. The delegaters, liars, people who write in ALL CAPS, the ones with the four ten hour day work schedule who never actually work 40 hours, and then there's the girl that told the whole office about the obvious cold sore on her face because she was terrified that people would whisper about it if she didn't first tell them. I guess in that regard, she had one thing right.

Snicker, It Simply Satisfies.

2009-07-23T18:52:00.000-07:00

Snicker if you will but.........

I've always been a sucker for pseudo unscripted television, but I can no longer keep up with the volume. No pun intended. Tasteless headline of the day. The "LIVE" section of the trib is discussing the new dating show on Fox (always the pioneer of classy tv). Photo caption reads "about 5,000 bachelorettes applied for the show. The contestants age in age from 21 to 37 and in weight from 180 to 279 pounds". The show is called "More To Love". The Trib piles in with the header "LOVE IN FULL BLOOM". I keep looking for the "sponsored by.....Dress Barn and Famous Dave's BBQ".

It used to be, reality television put normal people (in our fat society, normal is now obese) on television only to hack them up and award someone "The Swan". Well no more. There's another show called "Dance Your Ass Off", basically rewarding people for losing control of their lives and debasing themselves on national television in skimpy outfits.

The producer is quoted as saying "This show is like a sporting event. You're rooting for someone to find love". Huh ? Does Dwight Freeney rush the end to bring Tom Brady a rose bouquet ? Though for soccer, I'd absolutely believe that. GOOOOOOOOOOOALLLLLLLL !!!!

Same producer as "The Bachelor" so take heart, we can count on many utterings of the following :

"Amazing Journey"

"I just don't know who I'll pick (does know, coerced by producer to draw out fake tension)

"Connection" -- reality speak for "I just slept with her and I don't plan to give her a rose tonight"

Mediator will refer once during each episode to "the most dramatic rose ceremony ever".

I mean, while they're exploiting the overweight, why not just sub out the rose and hand out a bag of pork rinds, or "this ceremony brought to you by........Krispy Kreme !" I don't want to be cruel but if they're going to pretend they're really rooting for these people, they may as well go whole hog....errr bad choice of words.

Needless to say, I can't wait to see what challenges they're given for the chance to date the 330 pound bachelor. I'm sure I'll find it on the TIVO next to "Medium", better named "Tedium" for the predictably poorly acted setup that I've been trying for three years to ruin for Kim so she'll stop watching it. Sigh.

So by my count, I've lost many hours of my life on watching TV love : Daisy of Love, Flavor of Love (1 & 2), Rock of Love, Age of Love...I know I'm forgetting something....

This casting call on the link below is disturbing and hilarious...

http://www.fox.com/fod/play.php?sh=moretolove&ep=1247109751066

As is this casting photo of our bachelor looking casual.

Ahhh yes, the People magazine has arrived. With the stupid fixation on everything "vampire" in full bloom on the cover. Inside, there is a review of "More To Love"...the headline "What's the BIG deal?" Ohhhh I get it, this is a show about big people ? Sorry, they were just being so subtle, I only now just grasped it.

Well, I'd get on the treadmill but I've already eaten half a bag of BBQ chips with French Onion dip. I'll throw on a 2X black shirt to deceive myself.

O W N E D !

2009-07-22T06:24:00.000-07:00

Fun slang "Owned"-- originated from hacking control over another person or institution's computer. Later derived from one gamer inflicting humiliation on another (think "fatality" in Mortal Kombat).

Owned
To be physically or mentally disgraced in a formidible fasion.
Peter got owned by aunt Clara because he tried to steal her purse; Kicked in the nuts.

--One of over 20 urbandictionary.com entries on the word.

Alternate example from personal experience :

At which point friend Scott continued launching three pointers with the Piston's Chauncey Billups, already up 33 points in the third quarter, my already frayed composure snapped free of my being. I submitted to being owned and deftly and with force, deposited my xbox controller into the wall.

Got to thinking about this a little, after seeing this excellent shot of many people being owned while attending the Cubs / Nationals game. One can argue that one's presence alone at a Nationals game is a form of paying to be owned.

The worst offender is clearly the gentleman with eyes closed, wincing in the middle of a pirouette or a short armed jumping jack. Had he not done any of this, the tucked in, cheesey corporate guy shirt gives him owned honorable mention. At least the girl behind him has her mitt up and ready in nice form !

Cub Micah Hoffpauir owned by the marble bag on the railing and his head in the armpit of the balding ballerina.

TWO men next to one another in ORANGE shirts ? What'ssssssssssssssss up with that ?!?! I had no idea Steve Jobs and Milky from Me, Myself and Irene fame were buddies. It's cool that Milky set his mitt phaser to stun. Just look at the passion in his face. An aside here...... do I wake up one day at age fifty and all of my clothes are short sleeved polos and khaki shorts?

At my friend Jay's house, there is/was video on his TIVO from opening day. I have never viewed it. I'm certain that there is footage in it of me being owned.

The scene --- Wrigley Field, Opening Day 2008. Cubs/Reds and the catcher for Cincy pops it skyward. The ball is rising into the general direction of our section, then gravity punches in. I'm wearing my "little boy in winter" gear from Christmas If you've attended a game in April, basically I'm wearing every warm item of clothing that I own. I dab at my runny nose with my glove, then just give up as it freezes in my beard. I sit there in my self-made fat suit. About 100 feet from touch down, it's clear the ball is on target with our heads. We rise to our feet. I reach out feebly and it glances the tip of my middle digit.

Jay ends up with the ball.

Here are some more of my favorite "owned" shots.

59 ? AREN'T YOU DEAD YET ?

2009-07-20T07:38:00.000-07:00

Some laughers from the 66 year old Creed Bratton of "The Office" :

Creed: The only difference between me and a homeless man is this job. I will do whatever it takes to survive…like I did when I was a homeless man.

Creed: The guy was just hanging brain. I mean, what’s all the fuss? If that’s flashing then lock me up.

Creed (Trying to look young to impress Ryan, with jet black dyed hair) Hey brah, I been meanin' to ask you... can we get some Red Bull for these things? Sometimes a guy's gotta ride ride the Bull, am I right? Later, skater

Each summer of my exceedingly awkward pre-teen youth, there came the highly anticipated trip to Yakima, Washington. To this day, I don't think there's a damn thing to do there. That wasn't the point. My grandparents lived there ! They lived on a golf course and drove Porsches...fast. My Grandpa Boyd was the neighborhood pool manager. He taught me to swim. I taught him cannonball splash-a-bility. We'd eat dinner on their porch with the bounty from his beloved garden. I remember the hops plants that spread out for miles past their backyard, and the crackle of sound and blue flash when a bug got to close to the zapper.We watched John Wayne movies and We sipped Pepsi's out of perfect rocks glasses with perfect ice cubes. We watched every John Wayne movie, and watched hours upon hours of golf. They always had certain guys they pulled for each week.

We played card games. At their house in Renton, we always watched The Carol Burnett Show. In the Yakima house, we watched action movies. For my Grandpa, the more violent, the better. He was a big Arnold fan. Remember when I told you I'd kill you last ? I lied. Or after breaking a man's neck with his bare hands (Commando), to the stewardess "Don't disturb my friend...he's dead tired."

Each morning, as the night's dew still blanketed the course, we'd jump into his golf cart and head to the range. On days he let me drive it, I was so thrilled. I remember how cool it was that he had his own mini garage door for the cart!

Once at the range, I'd hit 70 to 100 balls each day -- drives, pitch shots, irons, woods, all of it. I'd hit them perfect, basically PGA Tour ready if you were listening to Grandpa. Afterward, he'd take me to the 19th hole and introduce me to his clubhouse friends. Grandpa loved his Bloody Marys.

When it was time to play for real, I spit the bit. I stunk. I couldn't hit straight, topped it, pulled my head, didn't bend my knees....usually all contained in the same shot. He felt I was too tall for the $25 garage sale Hogans my father had bought me, so he gave me a brand new, full set of King Cobras. These clubs could really launch a ball, if only the hands holding the clubs weren't mind. I'd watch my tiny grandma launch ball after ball dead straight down the fairway. Since most of my shots ended up wet, it followed logic that grandpa'd take me to each water hazard with the fold out ball retriever, an impossibly cool item. As a stat nut with bottle cap, baseball card and stamp collections, I quickly made lists of how many Titleists, Pings, Wilsons, etc that I'd gathered. He'd slip in a commemorative ball from Boeing or from one of his trips to Hawaii, a small gesture that always thrilled me.

I rarely played outside their company. I play more rarely still now that I'm a grownup. I still have the clubs. I'll play this weekend with a friend. I'll walk the course and have a beer and appreciate the beauty around me. I'll make a point to think of Nana and Grandpa, Golf was their passion and always part of the soundtrack of my life with them. I have one of his Hole In One plaques in my den. I miss them very much.

I don't recall if they were Tom Watson fans. My original inspiration of "59 is the new 79" was the inescapable story of Watson chasing his sixth British Open championship. This tournament is famous for humbling the usual stars, because of the way the courses play. It's believed to neutralize the advantages of club technology (Tiger Woods, your towncar is waiting).

"Going into Sunday, the 59 year old Tom Watson is 18 holes closer to victory"
"The oldest previous winner of a major was Sam Snead"
"On verge of 6th Open title, Watson suddenly looks 59 in playoff with Cink"
"How did you feel after losing to Stewart Cink ? Were you tired ?"

I get it that you don't see a dude in his 50's performing at a world class level in sports very often. Though many make an effective argument that golf is more skill than sport. John Daly, anyone ? But because it's the media, every lead begins "The 59 year old..........". By Sunday I expected to see a guy in a long black hood and robe following him with a sickle. Or more appropriately, a six foot hole just beyond the 18th green, so he could just crawl in because HE'S SOOOO OLD!. Did Turnberry employee a nurse to change his diaper? Big ups to Watson. He missed Wheel of Fortune and was an hour late for bed check at the home so he could answer the media's genius level questions. "How do you feel after suffering a soul crushing loss?" Look at this guy, how thrilled he is that he's either a) unable to care for himself and live independently or b) his family decided they didn't want to care about him.

One last thing on this. I no longer listen to sports radio for scores or insights. I listen to it purely for entertainment. A free ticket to a murder of the english language and all things that grammar finds holy. Today's irritant was reserved for the number of times I've heard this :

"If Watson had won, it would have made for a historical event".

Check that.

A historic occasion - one of great import for us all.
A historical occasion - one (probably also of great import or we wouldn't remember it) which occurred in the past.

When's the last time you heard something like "Finding the cure for beer dumps proved to be a worthwhile scientifical discovery?". Hopefully there wasn't a last time, because it sounds stupid.

OLD COOT

I appreciate my job. I also appreciate the ability to observe the work of fools in my midst.

1) The retirement age, high pants rocking, Wisconsin football loving, curmudgeonly Lou Piniella look-a-like. Informal office poll puts him at 60...close enough.A stroll by his office door at any given time reveals him leaning forward attentively, the yellowing back pillow sticking out the side of the chair like a clam tongue. Staring at weather patterns. Sage advice here -- do not stop to greet Weather Man. Sample of exchange in the kitchen this morning :

Me : Good Morning ________
WM : I don't know about that (this vague reply is employed to get you to ask "why?")
Me : Why ?
WM : Well blah blah blah this place is so messed up....(and now the payoff pitch). I was trying to fix this issue while I was here on SATURDAY.

Particular volume and emphasis is placed on the last word.

He performs no discernible tasks of any value during the ACTUAL work week. None. Zip. Nada. Then makes a huge production out of slogging here in his 13 mpg, company paid for Chevy 2500 HD. Unless that is, you define work as repeating the last few words of most statements on conference calls and peppering the silence with random profanity.

Speaker : "Production was down several thousand tons last month, due in part to weather but mostly due to our completely inadequate sales force"
Weather Man : Weather, yeah. Son of a b...tch ! Sales force.

I mentioned the office greeting. Avoid it. I broke this rule recently when I drifted over to deliver the printouts he left on the computer (color coded weather charts...not a joke). This is a verbatim recap of the exchange that ensued :

Me : Good Morning _________
WM : Jury is still out on that one.
Me : Huh ?
WM : I'm glad I'll be dead in 30 years when the bill comes due from China. (Dripping Sarcasm)Good thing we have Obama to save our butts.

His lips keep moving. My ears send signal to brain to shut it down. I put on the force field of a courtesy smile and a couple "uh huhs" and "no kiddings", and check back to recognize another tractor beam coming "Well, back in '71 it used to be that.........". The only hope at this juncture is that another co-worker will drift into it grip. Indeed, one did and I lingered only long enough to playfully ask him (unbeknownst to him) after a particularly long bellyache..."so...that was SATURDAY that all happened while you were here ?"

Quotes, Quips

2009-07-18T05:31:00.000-07:00

"The um...new shower curtain, don't leave it crumpled up when you get out. Spread it out evenly across the tub. It's organic. It's going to help out the landfills" -- my lovely wife, sheepishly explaining the new showering rules this morning.

Note : She left behind the sheet that accompanied the product. Read below. :

http://www.beanproducts.com/mm5/merchant.mvc?Screen=PROD&Store_Code=001&Product_Code=14SNL&Category_Code=

$32.95 for THIS ? Someone's got some 'splainin' to do !

Given that she leaves her two preferred lights on all day, and drives a Lexus, what have you to say, Ms. Concerned Citizen ? Where will it end, when I'm directed to the front garden to go make number two ? Yes, that's a spendid idea. Now where's my US Weekly ?

Fool You Once...Shame On You !

2009-07-17T06:00:00.001-07:00

“Only a fool tests the depth of the water with both feet“ - African Proverb

You've heard of these, probably received one or two. Dateline NBC did a sting on them. This is the unedited letter to my hotmail junk account. Enjoy.

FROM MR.KANAZORO
AMEDAUDITING AND ACCOUNTING SECTION,
BANK OF AFRICA(BOA),
OUAGADOUGOU BURKINA-FASO.
09-07-2009.

Dear Friend,

This message might meet you in utmost surprise, however,it's just my urgent need for foreign partner that made me to contact you for this transaction. I am a banker by profession from Bank of Africa (BOA) Ouagadougou, Burkina faso in west Africa and currently holding the post of Director Auditing and Accounting unit of the bank.I have the opportunity transferring the left over funds (USD $7.2M) SEVEN MILLION TWO HUNDRED THOUSAND AMERICA DOLLARS) of one of my bank customer who died along with his entire family on 26TH DECEMBER 2003 in a plane crash AT BENIN REPUBLIC.You can also confirm the genuine of the deceased death by clicking website: http://www.cnn.com/2003/WORLD/africa/12/26/benin.crash/index.html

(This will ruin the suspense, but if you simply go to Google and type "Benin Crash Victim List", the link at the top reads "Nigerian Scams" - these sample letters look familiar ? http://www.perfectsystem.co.uk/nigerian_scams.html )

The letter continues.....

Hence,i am inviting you for a business deal, I suggested that we shall shared the percentage in the ratio of 45/55 percentage. Which 45% is for you while 55% is for me as soon as we confirm the total sum into your receiving bank account. If you agree to my business proposal, further details of the transfer shall be forward to you as soon as i receive your return mail, I will be expecting your urgent response for more clarification.

I am waiting for your urgent responds.

MR.KANAZORO AMED.

Mr. Amed need not be so modest. He's looking to give me the smaller share of 7.2MM dollars ? What's not to like about that ? "This message might meet you in utmost surprise" ---Mr. Amed, I say no, it did not ! I have been waiting to receive your message for many weeks now, just idling on my home equity, buying CDs, waiting to provide you my bank account number ! And there's little I like more than cashing in on a dead family's misfortune. Cheers ! You need not mention the word "urgent" three times in two paragraphs. I was at the bank getting your money ready when I received the message --- what luck ! Just one thing....I WILL need to confirm the "genuine of the deceased death". Is there a charred body I can look over before we do this deal ?

In Need Of A Boost ?

2009-07-16T20:44:00.000-07:00

BOOST
–verb (used with object)
1. to lift or raise by pushing from behind or below.
2. to advance or aid by speaking well of; promote: She always boosts her hometown.
3. to increase; raise: to boost prices; to boost the horsepower of the car by 20 percent.
4. Slang. to steal, esp. to shoplift: Two typewriters were boosted from the office last night.
–verb (used without object)
5. Slang. to engage in stealing, esp. shoplifting.

Illinois Gov. Pat Quinn signed into law Monday a $31 billion stateside construction program for crumbling roads, mass transit and schools that will be paid for by legalizing video poker, raising fees on motorists and boosting taxes on candy, beauty products and booze.

"We know our economy needs a boost", Quinn said at the bill signing. Naturally, this is Illinois, so he held the signing at a HIGH SCHOOL. Further, he added that he's "not that big a fan" of video gambling but that local officials can put it to a vote in each of their cities.

---front page of Tuesday's Chicago Tribune.

Who's getting boosted here ?

I'd love to meet the speech writer who put these unfortunate words in the governor's piehole..."we are betting on the future of Illinois".

Was it a different Pat Quinn that wrote this letter to Rod Blagojevich, 12/17/07 ?

"We must consult with the people who elected us before taking an action that will allow wide-open gambling throughout Illinois and affect our state's quality of life for decades to come. You remember, as I do, our campaign pledge -made in 2002 and repeated in 2006--to oppose any large-scale expansion of gambling in our state."

In addition to turning my stomach, that reminds me....when do I get to vote the "Rod Blagojevich Tollway" name off the marquee ?

My favorite line of the article is this "Sales taxes increase on candy, bottled tea, dandruff shampoo and other goods beginning Sept 1st".

Doesn't he/she who is a carrier of the flaky white shoulder frosting suffer enough? I assume by now that everyone with dandruff has already been 86'd from their jobs and the shampoo isn't high on their list of necessities. And no one will notice while they're playing video poker.

So um...yeah..."boost". You pick which definition best applies. While you're thinking about it, here's a clue.....ever go to Jamba Juice ? In addition to the delightful fruit smoothie, you get one free "boost" and another if you'd like to pay for it...titles like fiber, energy, immunity...anyone believe these actually do a damn thing ? I love Jamba Juice, but I cannot provide any hard proof that I've stayed up longer or poo'd more or been sick less due to my love of Strawberry Nirvana.

Now boost yourself up onto that barstool, for soon it'll be time to play video poker. Sorrow sold separately.

The Tribune - Selling False Hope Since Forever

2009-07-16T07:24:00.000-07:00

Marissa Miller, SI Supermodel. Great Form

Have you heard about the lonesome loser
Beaten by the queen of hearts every time
Have you heard about the lonesome loser
He's a loser, but he still keeps on tryin'
Sit down, take a look at yourself
Don't you want to be somebody
Someday somebody's gonna see inside
You have to face up, you can't run and hide.
Unlucky in loveLeast that's what they say
He lost his head
And he gambled his heart away
He still keeps searching
Though there's nothing left
Staked his heart and lost
Now he has to pay the cost
---Little River Band

Loved that tune as a kid, still do. The google search for the lyrics however, brought them up under "Oldies Lyrics". Oldies ? Damn, where'd the time go ? Seems just last month I was wearing my M&M Restaurant little league uniform, running to the concession to spend all my duckets on tootsie rolls so I could pretend to be a tobacco spitting big leaguer. These are the things this song reminds me of.

Came to mind this morning after reading the Trib's "5 Negatives the Cubs need to eliminate to get back into the postseason". As is habit, we've revised down the expectations to making it. No mention of the kind of flameout that only the Cubs can achieve (and did in the last two postseason appearances).

No. 1 notes the Cub lack of clutch hitting. ONLY the Cub can go from No. 1 last year with RISP, to dead last this year (.218 avg, more K's than Hits).

Staked his heart and lost,
Now he has to pay the cost.

This is what the Cub kharma reaps for taking a chance on Milton Bradley. Much like my most hated player in the NBA, Rasheed Wallace, he's reknown for being this great clubhouse guy who has the effect of killing team performance. Cancer works that way. Has this turd ever been on a winner ? Plays out of his head on a loaded Texas team, lucks into staying healthy (coincidence on a walk year?, I think not) and gets the big paycheck from Hendry.

The heart of the team was Mark DeRosa. He also happened to be extremely versatile. Only Cub luck could work out that all of the players underperform, and several of the positions DeRosa plays end up with injuries (Aramis at 3rd).

There was a tired (topic) but spirited debate on the radio this morning about Sabermetrics vs. Human Scouting and how there should be a mix of each (duh, balance in everything, right). It made me wonder which method was employed to generate a remittance to Kosuke Fukudome, and how many of those bonzai headbands are now in mothballs. Only the Cub again, would let a guy who hit .169 in June be their LEADOFF HITTER !

Another summer of beer, half-shirts and continued disappointment.

Happy Birthday Sydney

2009-07-15T08:06:00.000-07:00

What good have I done, to deserve such a gift ? I've done nothing and you bless me anyway. Thank you Lord for your favor and mercy. Thank you for always being present in our marriage, whether I/we want(ed) you there or not. Help us to see that our pairing is first for your glory, that the child you've given us is yours first. Help us to live under your stewardship.

Psalm 103: 8-18
8 The Lord is compassionate and merciful,
slow to get angry and filled with unfailing love.
9 He will not constantly accuse us, nor remain angry forever.
10 He does not punish us for all our sins;
he does not deal harshly with us, as we deserve.
11 For his unfailing love toward those who fear him is as great as the height of the heavens above the earth.
12 He has removed our sins as far from us as the east is from the west.
13 The Lord is like a father to his children, tender and compassionate to those who fear him.
14 For he knows how weak we are; he remembers we are only dust.
15 Our days on earth are like grass; like wildflowers, we bloom and die.
16 The wind blows, and we are gone— as though we had never been here.
17 But the love of the Lord remains forever with those who fear him.
His salvation extends to the children’s children
18 of those who are faithful to his covenant, of those who obey his commandments!

In an IKEA on a day like most others, Kim suddenly informed me that she wanted to have a baby. I'm so glad she did. On my own strength I never seriously wanted children. I was plenty busy medicating with anxiety and bitterness, my inability to manage my own affairs.

The God of the impossible reigned and rained down a miracle on my life, has wiped the slate clean, forgiven me of my transgressions, given me a chance to pay attention and live for Him first. To accept that His grace is sufficient. To speak of His goodness is my purpose. To use the gifts and talents He's given me to be a good listener and encourager of others. To boldly proclaim His name.

I'm grateful that my life has changed, my perspective has broadened and blind ambition slowed. I tried to get rich because I wrongly thought I would get happy. I learned that worldly wealth for me was an appetite that couldn't be quenched. I'd always want more. The poison of my insecurity festered into cynicism. I lost my way completely.

I love you Sydney. You are my weekend adventure buddy. I love that you go to Old Country Buffet with me (I'm sorry I tricked you into thinking it was Sweet Tomatoes -- I don't like that place). I love to watch your eyes follow the animals at the pet store. I love our made up games, some new, some tried and true from my own youth. I love feeding the ducks and watching you throw whole pieces at a time. I love how you fit in the nook of my arm when we watch a show on TV.

I love you. Happy Birthday Kid.

Saying Goodbye

2009-07-09T16:14:00.000-07:00

Inevitable.

We guess she was about 15 years old Despite money, time and medication, she continued to urinate all around the ground floor of our home. She was a big part of our home, and will remain so in our memory. I never imagined her death would stir me to the extent it has.

I've never held anything/anyone before, as it dies in your arms.

She was a great, great cat. Friendly to everyone except her lifelong feline roommate Zeekie. Graced the lap of dozens, happy to doze all day long between meals. She was a fixture. I'll miss her very much.

I deeply appreciate the humane and tender care of the Green Trail Animal Clinic. The vet was so kind and understanding. I was allowed some private time to hold her and tell her (I don't pretend she understands what I"m saying - it's more for me) how much she meant to us. She snored under the anesthetic until the final shot was administered, and she was gone.

I haven't had the time nor the inspiration in many months to leave anything here. I wonder, what's the point ? Riffing on pop culture, stupid politicians, bad customer service, it's mostly all a chase after nothingness.

Zoya had a great life, first with Laurel and Brian, then with us. I will miss waking up at night and realizing she'd fallen asleep between my legs. She was a cat of immense appetite, food, chipmunks, sleep. She was Sydney's best buddy.

I doled out several cans of tuna and chin scratches last night. As the hour drew near, I couldn't summon the will to remain composed. Sure, it's a cat, right ? I'm soft. Yes, I am. Between Laurel, us and then Sydney, she really had a great three acts.

We loved you Zoya. You gave us much joy.

THIS AND THAT

2009-02-17T20:45:00.000-08:00

"A thousand words will not leave so deep an impression as one deed."

"These heroes of finance are like beads on a string; when one slips off, all the rest follow."

"Look into any man's heart you please, and you will always find, in every one, at least one black spot which he has to keep concealed." Henrik Ibsen- Prolific Norwegian Playwright

NBA - NO BRAIN AVAILABLE

The Phoenix Suns this week suspended Forward Jason Richardson after he was arrested for driving 55mph over the speed limit. His 3 year old son was in the car & not secured in a child seat.

His words….
"I just want to apologize to everybody - my teammates, my family, especially my fiancee," he said. "It's a tough time for me. I've been questioned as a basketball player, questioned as a person, but my fatherhood in question is tough, because I try to be the best father I can be, and try to keep my kids out of harm's way."

Harm’s way must be fast , for him to be speeding so quickly from it.

After being arrested Dec ’08 on suspicion of DUI, he called the incident "one stupid mistake I made," and he said he hoped it wouldn't change the public's perception of him.

If by perception J-Rich, you mean that of a gifted dunker with a me first personality and a sub .450 career shooting average, no need to worry, it hasn't changed. I wonder which will happen first; him turning his life around or me liking the NBA again someday ?

INSANITY

Muzzammil Hassan launched Bridges TV, billed as the first English-language cable channel targeting Muslims inside the United States, in 2004. At the time, Hassan said he hoped the network would balance negative portrayals of Muslims following the attacks of September 11, 2001.

Hassan was arrested in New York Thursday on charges of second degree murder after confessing to beheading his wife. His wife had filed for divorce only a week ago, citing several instances of domestic violence.

TASTELESS

An LA Times writer actually penned this in assessing Jennifer Hudson's choice of dress at the Grammy's.

Table manners
We know that Jennifer Hudson suffered a terrible tragedy and a loss beyond all human comprehension when three members of her family were slain last year. For that our heart goes out to her. But that doesn’t mean we’re gonna let her slide for wearing her dinner napkin to the Grammys. To that I say, you scumbag should find a new profession.

WE ARE A STUPID PEOPLE-PRESIDUNCE DAY EDITION
Google search hits :
Reality TV 29,000,000
Jessica Simpson 20,700,000
Lung Cancer 17,800,000
Abe Lincoln 9,560,000

I CAN'T STOMACH IT ANYMORE !

2009-02-17T20:05:00.001-08:00

This has been going on for weeks now. Virtually EVERY website I visit, I am forced to look at this faceless spare tire.

To make it worse, it comes with the "As Seen On Rachel Ray" plug. I confess, when word got round that she was having surgery on her vocal cords, I thought "would it be toooooooo much to ask?". She is just so ubiquitous, one of the evil tentacles of the Oprah empire.

Surrendering to its omnipotence, I went looking for that "one rule" that you'll lose 30lbs in 8 weeks by following. This rule is not 1) eating right or 2) working out 2+ hours a day, or any of the other things my kick-ass wife has done faithfully over a similar period of time (and lost 25 pounds). No, simply take some Acai Berry, a supplement with highly questionable benefits. No matter, both Dr. Oz and Ray are giddily cashing endorsement checks on the credibility of its promise. However.......

Açai berry supplements have been promoted in the U.S. for weight loss, as energy boosters, and as a source of antioxidants. However, according to ABC news correspondent Susan Donaldson, these products have not been evaluated by the FDA and their efficacy for weight loss is questionable.[3] In late 2008, lawyers for The Oprah Winfrey Show began investigating potential claims against supplement manufacturers who suggested that frequent Oprah guest Dr. Mehmet Oz had recommended their product or açai in general for weight loss.

So if I have this right, Oprah's MD Lietenant was pimping the berry. In light of poor reports, they backed off. Yet Ray, still sopping the biscuit in the Winfrey gravy, continues to endorse it ?

Isn't it ironic, for as much praise as Dr. Oz receives, that he hasn't yet found a pill or supplement that will keep Oprah out of the buffet line ? Maybe she needs to exclude McGriddles and Baconators from her Spring '09 "Favorite Things" list ?

We love to trick ourselves, if it will only keep the shame at bay. I ate a whole carton of pork fried rice today, and soaked it up with two diet cokes. And I once saw a co-worker eat two fast food breakfast sandwiches for breakfast every day. And every day at 11:30am, he would reach into his desk and calmly pop a Slim Fast shake. If only he'd known about the Acai Berry !

Anatomy Of A Wedding - A Groomsman's View

2009-02-16T14:03:00.000-08:00

Frank :"This is the best thing that's ever happened to me."

Beanie: "Why don't you give that six months. You don't think that's gonna change. I got a wife, kids. Do I sound like a happy guy to you Frankie? There's my wife. Now, see that: always smiling, hi honey, judging, watching. Look at the baby, look at the baby!"

Priest :"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here together to join Franklin and Marissa..."

Beanie: (coughing) Don't do it. My throat's dry, I'm sorry.

http://www.vince-vaughn.com/wav/judging.wav -- Old School

Friday afternoon – maneuvered the Saab into an empty parking spot, an equal distance from the two painted lines separating my craft from other would be shoppers. There were no vehicles to my left or right when I walked away from my vehicle. After the requisite trying on of the clothing, I emerged from the “dressing area” ready to depart the premises. No longer at the front counter, I patiently wait through the time he might be say, tying his shoe or emptying his bowels. The only patron in the store, I cool my heels for several minutes resorting to the old “ahems”… the key jangling, then loudly clearing the throat. No response. OK, fine. “HEY YOU BACK THERE? I’M READY TO LEAVE!” If there was a little malice in the delivery, it’s perhaps because I’m a modest person forced to disrobe in a vertical coffin offering a flimsy black dish towel as a changing curtain.

Walking back to my car, I take note of an XTerra positioned directly to its right; directly as in the width between your thumb and index finger. I’m seated behind the wheel when I see the occupant emerge from the driver’s seat. I am looking at her now. Apparently far sighted, she effortlessly pilots a body blow directly into my car with her door. CRACK. Calmly squeezes into the tiny area between our vehicles and walks away. I yell to get her attention but she’s a vapor, fast walking up to the Mandarin eatery that is her destination. Her only communication with me is the single word emblazoned across the ass of her pink sweatpants…….’JUICY’ – a perfect partner to the D&G spectacles that hide 80% of her face. It’s nice, seeing people in pajamas shuffling around in broad daylight, as if sleepwalking, waving the white flag on vanity.

I concede to a daydream featuring the offender’s XTerra fully aflame.

Friday night - I’m tardy for the rehearsal, forcing everyone to stand still and wait until I get there, at which time we can then all practice………standing still.

Vowing not to make the same mistake on wedding day, I arrive promptly. I spend some quality time in front of the mirror, hacking away at my face sweater so I look a little less like Tom Hanks in Castaway. And just as your car begins to make that whining noise the moment you clear the warranty window, the façade of Black Tie Formal Wear’s commitment to quality begins to crumble the moment we take some preliminary photos. Without provocation, buttons begin leaving their homes on our vests. The photographer, a veteran of these affairs, uncorks some tired attempts to lighten the mood. Crickets. Another joke. Nothing. In reference to his use of a two-step ladder to rise above his 5’3” frame, I begin asking if anyone’s brave enough to ask him what it was like to work with Willy Wonka.

There are certainties about nearly every wedding I’ve ever attended. 1) The videographer’s hair resembles dwindling strands of angel hair pasta, touching the collar of his shirt in the back, though the top has long since lost the battle to gravity (Think David Lee Roth, 2008 edition). 2) The videographer is over 45 but the earring says he doesn’t feel that old. 3) The guy driving the party bus/limo always has a trenchcoat. 4) Because it’s free, I will consume more Miller Lites on the party bus than any human rightfully should in 25 minutes time. 5) The wedding DJ is terrifically over the top in breathlessly delivering every syllable. 6) DJ will play music ill fitting for the occasion, like “Gold Digger.” 7) I will dance until I hurt.

Characters aside, it was a wonderful marriage of two very wonderful people. Cheers Jay & Rhonda !

WILL YOU ACCEPT THIS ROSE?

2009-02-09T20:02:00.001-08:00

I LOVE watching “The Bachelor” with Kim. Tonight, the single father travels to the hometowns of the remaining girls to get grilled by their families. Before we proceed, we’re dragged through a 5 minute recap of the previous week’s circus (Kim is asleep at the 20 min mark).

To the girl he doesn’t give a rose to, he declares “you are the most amazing woman I’ve ever met”. If you scratched your television set, you’d smell the cheese.

At the ten minute mark, you’ll run out of fingers, counting the amount of times the words “journey”, “connection” and “amazing” are uttered. Each week ends with “this is the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make”. Just once, I’d like to see the guy break from character and either admit how easy it is to send someone packing, or admit that the producers nudged him to keep the biggest psycho on board for at least one more round.

<--Rock of Love Psycho Kristi Jo

First up is Jillian’s motley crew. But not before she takes him through an empty winery, regales him with local myth and……….reveals her family’s darkest secrets! You know, to keep things light.

Jason sits down to profess his love for their daughter, fueled over TWO weeks by copious amounts of hard liquor and hot tub speed dating. Before he can wax, the matriarch festooned in a paisley purple curtain blouse and embalming makeup, offers to make a toast but in reality has prepared a poem that she will now hack and blubber through. I’ve started laughing and I struggle now to stop.

I hope that you may find love,

you certainly deserve to fly like a dove.
Pressure makes diamonds and you shine like one,

You bring happiness as bright as the sun,

You are as precious (voice breaking now) to us as the flowers need rain,

we will always be here for you again and (stops to cry/slobber some more) again.

The groan rising from the ground is the primal scream of dead poets everywhere.

Jason and the Grimace retire to the patio for the following interview.

Peggy : What do you think your responsibilities are to be a partner in marriage?

Jason : To be a partner, I mean, to me it’s really about the commitment, you choose to be there.

He soothes dad with this baseline winner, “She wouldn’t be here if I didn’t think we had a possible future.”

The amount of loud, drawn out courtesy laughing is stupendous. At this point, the grandmother “shows up” and declares the bachelor beautiful. Granny starts guzzling the hooch and works in a kiss on the mouth.

The 2nd debutante Molly plays a round of golf with Jason and declares that she’s never brought a guy home before. She then says to the camera (three times) that it’s a big deal to bring a guy home to her parents. Thanks, I think I got it now. The producers now work in some maudlin instrumentation. The mother brings out some funny hats to break the ice, then directs him downstairs to her craft room. She tells him she wants him to draw a picture of her daughter that he most fondly remembers. As she lords over his shoulder, laughing and judging, he appears to draw her daughter with the joker’s mouth. He earns a hug for this.

The third girl does not disappoint. He’s exposed to hula hoping, burying a bird, reincarnation hooey, the dad immediately going JC on him, and the mom telling him she saw his picture and knew she’d known him in a different life. At this point I’m leaning toward No. 3 not receiving a rose tonight.

Fourth and final hometown date takes Jason to Dallas to see Melissa. She gets a leg up by making his son a tooth fairy box. He ends up meeting her friends, since the parents opt out of being on camera. She states they are uncomfortable with the “public-ness” of it. The friends readily tell him that she’s been slumming in the guy department. A girlfriend indicates she’s also never met the folks (REALITY RED FLAG!)

OK so here we go. No. 3 (wacky uber spiritual parents) or No. 4 (parents awol) is going home.

So far, I’m right on the money (reality show watching veteran skillset). Molly (No.2) is picked first. Jillian (No.1) is picked second. Bachelor stands there for a good minute before motioning for Melissa to take the last flower. The host emerges from the shadows and tells the jilted girl to take a moment, say goodbye and (implied), get the hell out. It looks like bachelorette No. 3 will only see him again if that reincarnation thing works out.

He toasts the last three and thanks them “for this AMAZING adventure and for inviting me into your families. Each of them was AMAZINGLY fun.” He then does the next most obvious thing in reality tv. He invites them to New Zealand for overnight dates --- reality speak for “we will have dinner and adjourn to a hot tub for sex and judgment”.

Let the delicious depravity begin.

CHEWING THE FAT BELOW THE YELLOW LINE

2009-02-08T14:29:00.000-08:00

Best laugh I had yesterday.....

It's late and I'm about to tapout on the big blue barge that is our couch when an ad sneaks on. Rare is it that I don't remove the TIVO from the holster and gun down a commercial, but I'm gassed. A big fat guy in an orange t-shirt (always a slimming choice) is on his knees trying to play karate with his daughter but there's a problem.......HE'S TOO DAMN FAT. Fatty karate chops the air, pretending to participate while daydreaming about unhinging his jaw and sliding a cake inside that temple of saturated jiggle, wearing a curtain shirt with more X's on the tag than anything Jenna Jameson was ever in.. As the scene changes to a woman declaring "I want to kiss my husband under the Eiffel Tower" (can't afford to pay for two seats?), you hear "You've decided to have weight loss surgery........your reason is your own.". At this point I point the remote at the TV for a replay, laughing and disbelieving. Twas true...."your reason is your own.". Is this a some kind of tricky wordplay ? The reason should seem obvious. By this point, you've inhaled everything in your path and wouldn't dare get on the treadmill because moments after your little link sausages punch in "4.2", your third tramplines up north for eyes, obscuring your vision. By the time you can see well enough to dial down the speed, your heart is pumping a million little White Castle sliders per minute. Plus, your perspiration smells like curly fries.

We're a fat, stupid, lazy drug loving society. Pilates? How about a pill? Lose weight while you sleep! There's a reason the gym makes all it's money in January. In the last few weeks, an obnoxious add has insinuated itself into nearly every site I regularly visit. It contains some offputting photos of a stretched out stomach and blares "LOSE 30LBS IN 8 WEEKS BY FOLLOWING ONE RULE". The thing I find particulary offensive about this is that my lovely wife goes to the gym every day for two and a half hours. She doesn't piss around. She outlifts most of the men there. She grunts and curses and rages through every workout. She eats steamed asparagus and chicken like I eat Hershey's Kisses (about 7 of them today). She's lost about 23 pounds in the same period of time. Anything that promises 30 in 8 results is not a healthy way of dropping LBs.

And I checked it out -- it's a COLON CLEANSE. It wasn't a total waste of time. The celebrity tips (why is Rachel Ray a celebrity?) include such ground breakers like a) watch your portions, b) eat slowly, c) park further away from stores and d) eat more fresh food and more variety. Do they mean I won't lose weight if I keep eating baconators and hot wings every week, even if I'm clearing out my turd factory with ingestible Clorox? I tried a home kit exactly once. You know how if you try to put Visine in your eyes, and you can't stop yourself from blinking ? Well......didn't draw any deuces on the flop. Laying there with my face pressed againt the cold tile, I vowed to mix in something green every tenth meal or so...(you don't want to see what Google image brings up under "colon cleanse")

Aqua Teen Hungerforce hero Meatwad once said......."Bowel trouble y'all. Stool sample! Soft and loose, soft and loose, ya gotta gimme the juice--the metamuce." Amen, my little ball of hairy ground beef.

Here's the Realize Ad. Get yours today. Just swallow hard and look past all of the horrific side effects that come with it. Or that many people gain all the weight back. Statistics do not include those who don't survive the surgery.

http://www.realizeband.com/dtcf/pages/tv-ad.htm

Renee Williams, 29, the 841lb woman who died of a massive heart attack just weeks after having gastric bypass surgery in the Renaissance Hospital in Houston. (03/06/2007)

SAY WHAT ?

2009-02-08T14:24:00.000-08:00

From the home office in Aurora, some of the funnier things our daughter said this weekend:

"Want to have a drink of my water? There's no boogers in it"

"I'm sorry daddy. I accept your apology.--(After a little issue over her insistence on picking a certain coat over the one I chose)"

"I'm sorry that was your fault daddy."

"You better try it. You better like it"--(offering me a plate of plastic baked potatoes, corn on the cob, one hot dog, one egg and one celery stick from her play kitchen).

"I saw deers and skunks tonight"....me..."Sydney are you lying to me?"....Sydney "no daddy, I'm pullin a trick on you"

FOR 500K, PICK A TOE

2009-02-08T14:14:00.000-08:00

Proverbs 16:8

Better is a little with righteousness than great income with injustice.

Timothy 6:10 (KJV)

For the love of money is the root of all evil: which while some coveted after, they have erred from the faith, and pierced themselves through with many sorrows.

Money, get away.

Get a good job with good pay and you’re okay.

Money, its a gas.

Grab that cash with both hands and make a stash.

New car, caviar, four star daydream,

Think I’ll buy me a football team.

Money, get back.

I’m all right jack keep your hands off of my stack.

Money, it’s a hit.

Don’t give me that do goody good bullshit.

I’m in the high-fidelity first class traveling set

And I think I need a lear jet.---Pink Floyd “Money”

Here are a few recent news items that grabbed my attention :

Marcus Schrenker, 38, crashed a plane in an attempt to fake his own death to avoid prosecution for defrauding investors. He took the money and never invested the money. His wife filed for divorce. When the authorities closed in, he bailed. He intended to live on the run but when cornered, slashed his wrists.

Adolf Merckle was one of the richest men in Germany. In 2007 he was worth US$12.8 billion by most estimates (Forbes), and by December 2008 he was still worth $9.2 billion. In 2006 he was the worlds 44th richest man, moving to 96th place by December 2008, yet still one of Germany's top five richest men. Adolf Merckle committed suicide on January 5, 2009 by throwing himself in front of a train near his hometown of Blaubeuren. It was believed that his cement company was unable to make payments on a huge loan taken out to purchase an English competitor. He was 74 years old and leaves behind his wife and four children.

Martin Schur A 93-year-old former World War II medic froze to death last month in his Bay City, Michigan, home. He left over $600,000 in his will to a local hospital. His nephews reported that he was famously frugal. The size of the estate -- if it's as large as the nephew believes -- adds another tragic twist to Schur's death. The power company limited his electricity because he owed about $1,000.

Whether you live to spend it or to horde it, you’re still LIVING for it. I’m all for having, making, spending and saving a buck. I’ll also tell you that I’ve never had less of it, and I’ve never been happier.. The appetite I had for money was directly proportionate to how close I came to complete ruin. You can correctly argue that the state of our economy too, is directly proportionate to the rampant avarice of those running the country.

What are we living for anymore ?

In the days leading up to the inauguration, my father-in-law sarcastically asked me what I’d do after that Tuesday, “you know, since all the world’s problems will be solved”. You might correctly deduce from that remark that he’s both republican and tremendously ungracious in defeat. I happen to like him a lot. He’s a gentleman and a gentle man. He worked hard enough to retire early. He’s a man of God and gives countless hours of his life to serving others. He’s always doing things to keep his mind active. He’s a smart man. And…….he loved the Bush administration.

http://www.cnn.com/2009/HEALTH/01/15/social.conformity.brain/index.html

I guess he has his personal reasons for concluding that “damn liberals” are the cause of all the world’s angst. I can’t forget this because I was reminded of this at some point during every holiday & birthday gathering for the last eight years. The sippy cup filled with the viscous red rhetoric is permanently grafted to his lips. We have our worldview, and ensure this does not change by viewing, reading and listening to material that lines up nicely with that perspective. Get behind the curtain and punch those holes all the way down one side of the ticket. Know the voting record of the guy you're electing ? You can train a monkey to see an "R" or a "D" and just react to it. Yet intelligent people will defend that behavior to the end. I guess that’s why people insist that politics should never be a topic among friends. I just get bewildered when someone I respect has no desire to leave their bubble of learned, willful ignorance. I’m not a global warming nutcase. I don’t love guns. I don’t love welfare. I don’t love the idea of so many men and women sent to a death that could have been prevented if war planners hadn’t been asleep at the wheel. I’m a guy without a party. I like aspects of both party, which means I'm not invited to the party.

The No. 1 concern among voters was the economy. The war in Iraq and moral/family issues came in a distant second at 3% each, if you exclude the category marked “Other” (20%). Voters had choices that included poverty, corruption, healthcare, budget deficit, oil dependency, energy policy and education to choose from, and yet 20% picked OTHER. What might that be? Getting a new Starbucks within a block of one’s front door? I'd give honesty in leadership a little more than 3%. We're willful participants in a high stakes version of the Milgram experiment.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Milgram_experiment

The joke about Dick Cheney goes, how can he be having so many heart problems ? He has no heart at all. Look up "evil" and you'll see a sneering picture of him counting his Halliburton cash. There's a lot of blood on that money but for him it spends the same.

I’d rant some more, but I don’t want to miss this week’s episode of “I Love Money 2”. Cheers.

For the love of money

People will steal from their mother

For the love of money

People will rob their own brother

For the love of money

People can't even walk the street

Because they never know

Who in the world they're gonna beat

For that lean, mean, mean green

Almighty dollar, money

For the love of money

People will lie, Lord, they will cheat

For the love of money

People don't care who they hurt or beat

For the love of money— The O’Jays – For the love of money

FUME AND GLOOM

2009-02-06T15:03:00.000-08:00

UNCOMMON SENSE
Got an invite to attend a local Chamber of Commerce dinner. It reads “Reserve your tickets today for $80.00 per couple or $40 per person”. Now, I was more a liberal arts guy than a math wiz. Just can’t figure out which deal to go with !

IT IS WHAT IT IS

Opening shot by meeting facilitator today “We’re here to informally discuss the expectations……..of what’s expected”.

FULL OF IT

Stopped in the local Panera for a cookie and their free Wi-Fi hookup. On cue the cashier mutters a hello as I cross the area where the cattle prod zaps them to acknowledge my approach. I order said treat and he grouses to his manager, “Why are these ones together with the others?”. Manager replies “so the whole display will look more fuller”. Must not have been a written exam to get the promotion to the collared shirt.

WE HARDLY KNEW YA

Appearance in my junk folder today, an e-mail from Carnival Cruise Lines that starts “It’s only been a couple months, but we’re starting to miss you”. I’ve been on one cruise in my lifetime and that was 13 YEARS AGO. I guess one ought never let accuracy get in the way of sound marketing.

ME BEING ME

Rob broke sluggish out of the gate this morning. Rob didn’t have it together. Rob started the car, started to leave, stopped the car, walked back in the house. Rob overturned a few objects in search of ipod. Rob doesn’t work without it.

Without fail, our new sales manager asks me every morning, in a syrupy southern drawl “How’s Rob this morning?” I resist the urge to look around as if searching for some unseen individual who happens to occupy both my office and name. I don’t care for this cutesy manner of speaking. I don’t need to hear it at work. I can get my fill of it at any of a number of soul sucking eateries in the Aurora area.

<----Friday's version of "The Dell Dude" I haven’t been inside a TGI Friday’s in the same number of years since it was awesome to proclaim to your coworker, THANK GOD IT’S FRIDAY! Last I ate there, their drink menu didn’t have the prices on it (after four martinis you’re leaving for the PayDay Loan office), and you couldn’t order a dish that wasn’t slathered in their “Signature Jack Daniel’s Sauce”. The tables were arranged for maximum allowable patronage under fire code, ensuring you’d get to enjoy at least three screamed renditions of “HAPPY BIRTHDAY”, crooned by a host of unenthused flair wearing referees. That aside, if you find treble heavy, ear splitting country western music to be a delightful dining accompaniment, then I heartily recommend you try Friday’s. And for all of this, your average wait time for your tiny little square of eating space with one leg shorter than the others ---- about 45 minutes to an hour. Once seated, you’ll order seven of their watered down Friday’s Ultimate Mudslides at $10 a piece just to forget this mistake. It’ll take seven of them, just to get your blood alcohol content to the level you’d expect from one real drink. Dare you to order a double. It tastes the same, only they probably spiked a farmer’s blow into it because you asked for something special.

Rob does not abide the Friday’s. Yeah, they make White Russians too, if you like the idea of expired milk flavored mouthwash.

Younger Cop: And was there anything of value in the car?
The Dude: Oh, uh, yeah, uh... a tape deck, some Creedence tapes, and there was a, uh... uh, my briefcase.
Younger Cop: [expectant pause] In the briefcase?
The Dude: Uh, uh, papers, um, just papers, uh, you know, uh, my papers, business papers.
Younger Cop: And what do you do, sir?
The Dude: I'm unemployed.

A SUPER BOWL OF MUSINGS

2009-02-05T19:19:00.000-08:00

Early face time for Brenda Warner. Conclusion - The '09 version is more attractive than the '00 edition.

Kickers are not real football players. I suspect Pittsburgh's knows this. That would explain the frosted 1987 Lost Boys haircut on Jeff Reed. Weak.

Show it 30 times. Make the characters sing. Feature them in 3-D. And I still won't watch "Chuck", "Heroes" or "Medium". Side Note : Kim watches "Medium" I can't take it Every episode features the medium warning the police chief that something's about to happen SPOILER ALERT : Though she's always right, the program must last 48 minutes so the chief never follows the initial tip.

What price did Billy Corgan sell his soul to Hyundai for ?

The Budweiser clydesdales are still not funny.

Bruce Springsteen....more on that at the end of my list here.

Glad to see obese children now represented in our animated movies. Maybe now there's hope the application on the McDonald's trays will feature pictures of people that more closely resemble their actual employees.

Props to the Detroit fans who launched on Matt Millen for parachuting from his firing into a cake broadcasting gig.

Coca-Cola's commercials all feature their product in a chilled bottle. I've had coke in a bottle one time in the last several years. And I was in India when I consumed it.

Few people have made more money by nearly eating themsevles to death than Jared from Subway. Big ups to you man. Now will you GO AWAY ?

Time is passing me on the right. I had to explain to my friend that the coke commercial featuring Troy Polamalu was actually a remake of the Mean Joe Greene offering from the '70's.

Thoughts on the Springsteen performance :

Does the guy watching in his trailer park wince when Bruce says "coming to your beautiful home". Did he put his chicken wings down as Bruce instructed ?
Bruce's unit sliding into my living room disagreed with the french onion dip.
Hula hooping the guitar strap FIVE times was four times too many.
Steven Van Zandt has made some bad investments. How else to explain that he's been in a successful band and tv show, yet his chiclet chompers are the hue of my carpet.
I'm not certain that the fans were legitimate. The positioning of the big breasted young blond dead center wearing the red tank top, front row seemed a little dubious after the fifth shot of her in a two minute span.
A cool halftime makes for a short list. U2, Prince. That's it.

FAITHFUL READERS

2009-02-05T04:05:00.000-08:00

“Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy.” --Dale Carnegie

I'll be back, either tonight or tomorrow. Heavy demands on time this week.